2011: The Summer of Raging Hellflames

2 Jun
It's so hot.......

Delicious fried sidewalk egg by Kate Ter Haar. Click the egg to check out her Flickr PhotoStream.

This is not spring; this is summer.

 This is all-out, balls-to-the-wall sweatylicious summertime and I am completely unprepared.   It came out of nowhere.  One day I was complaining about the constant rain and the next, Mother Nature was using the sun to pound down hellfire heat on my fragile, pasty skin.

I’m not ready for this.  Already, I am overwhelmed with the constant dew on my cheeks and the greasy, grimy feeling of my SPF moisturizer.  I’m so hot that my legs are sweating.  Every so often I have to take a moment to air out the backside of my knees – the armpits of the lower body.

This is my first summer with leather furniture.  It was a hand-me –down from a classy broad who gets tired of nice things quickly and I happily hauled it away to my home.  But now that my apartment is dripping in sweat and stench, I’ve begun to stick to the couch.

Quite literally – stick to it.

If I’m not paying attention or try to get up out of urgency, I have to do a double-take to make sure my skin isn’t still attached to the chair I’m getting up from.   It’s matched with a distinct ripping sound  – not unlike peeling the casing off a tightly wrapped sausage.

In this scenario, I am the sausage.

It’s just now the beginning of June and I’m starting to really dread what July may have in store.  I made it all last summer without air conditioning of any kind.  Dave and I happily hauled the AC out of the window and used a fan, embracing the heat and naturalism.  The car doesn’t have air conditioning either, so there was no need to worry about adjustment throughout the day.   A trip to the local grocery store, however, required a sweater. 

I don’t know if I can do that again this year.  2011 is apparently the year of the flaming, enraged, summer fire dragon and I don’t know that I can compete.    I’m too poor and stubborn to kick the AC on, too fat and flabby to frequent the pool, and too modest to walk around nearly naked.

One of those is going to have to give



14 Responses to “2011: The Summer of Raging Hellflames”

  1. misswhiplash June 2, 2011 at 10:50 am #

    Poor Jackie…I feel so sorry for you..
    I had that sticking to the furniture experience when we first moved to Southern Spain.. I put towels on the chairs to stop the sticking. But when we actually bought our sofas they were all covered in cotton.

    Listen duckie..don’t worry about the flab ..there is always someone worse than you..ME!
    go for a swim!


    • Jackie June 4, 2011 at 11:06 am #

      I’m trying to work up the courage. 🙂 I think it’s lovely that you lived in Spain. I kind of aspire to be you. Also, I love Duckie. I might adopt it as my new nickname. 🙂


  2. Sausage # 2 June 2, 2011 at 12:49 pm #

    or hire an alternative… perhaps a handsome man could fan you while you sit on your newly refurbished towel couch:)


    • Jackie June 4, 2011 at 11:06 am #

      How much do you cost?


  3. Jules June 2, 2011 at 12:52 pm #

    I heard sidewalk egg complements possum or any other death-by-car critter perfectly. 🙂


    • Jackie June 4, 2011 at 11:05 am #

      That’s a Lollipop Tuesday I’m not willing to try.


  4. Gypsy Queen June 2, 2011 at 1:07 pm #

    I’ll send you some cool cloudy overcast weather from Washington if you send us some sun!!


    • Jackie June 4, 2011 at 11:05 am #

      Deal. Bottling right away.


  5. knotrune June 3, 2011 at 5:32 am #

    You need a throw for that couch! A sheet would do as a temporary measure.


    • Jackie June 4, 2011 at 11:05 am #

      I have to choose between being hotter or getting stuck. That’s poopy. WHY did people decide leather couches were a good idea?!


      • knotrune June 6, 2011 at 4:58 am #

        I’ve never been a fan either, nor leather car seats for same reason! But a cotton or linen throw is not too warm. Any fabric that you might have preferred your couch covered in could be used as a throw. Not as good as a fabric couch of course, and slippy, but better than unpeeling yourself every time you get up!


        • Jackie June 7, 2011 at 8:00 pm #

          Right? What’s the point of how nice it looks if it rips your skin off? ouuuuch. Maybe I’ll take a craft day and work myself up a little groovy no-stick throw 🙂


  6. egills June 3, 2011 at 10:01 am #

    Ouch! Just thank god your sofa isn’t in the sun or you’ll be getting 3rd degree burns when you sit down!
    Get a soft throw to sit on in the mean time…


    • Jackie June 4, 2011 at 11:03 am #

      throws are waaaaarm *whine*


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