The Fan Theory

3 Jun

Photo from ryk_neethling. Click the image to check out his Flickr PhotoStream.

I need to figure out my dad’s fan theory.

Growing up, we had a few rules.  One was no light of any kind allowed.  Two was no people over ever.  And three was obey the fan theory.

I never really understood the intricacies of the fan theory but it had something to do with the careful balance of the number of fans in each window, the choice of windows that were open, and the location of the sun in the sky.  The algorithm is complicated somewhat with the addition of 2-way window fans, which featured both an ‘in’ and an ‘out’ switch.  One could have the fan blowing in four different combinations and I was never quite sure which was appropriate for the time of day and depending on which windows were open on the 2nd floor. 

But now that I’m all grown up and grumpy myself, I am attempting to endure the summer of 2011 without my AC again.  Given that this summer is significantly hotter than the last (as chronicled in my sweaty, complaining post yesterday), I’m going to need some kind of old-school game plan to battle the heat and I’m thinking perhaps it’s time to return to my roots.  I don’t know if dad’s fan theory ever made any of us cooler.  There’s a big chance that it was just a way for him to amuse himself and bark for us to run up and down the stairs, making fine adjustments to the angles of upright fans and closing windows with the urgency one musters in the face of a monsoon.

But I’m willing to try it anyway.

Because by golly I’m warm and I don’t want to lug that money-sucking, rattling, dripping, 100-pound air conditioner up and secure it in the window.  The fan theory will have to do.

I don’t think I have enough fans for the algorithm to properly function and since I live in an apartment complex, I don’t really have any control over which windows are open on which floors.  I’m pretty sure the fact that we’re all closed off in our little hutches within, the state of the higher floors would have nothing to do with the status of mine.

But then again, it’s a complicated and mysterious art.

I’ll do my best to work it out on my own with my 2-way window fan, a Vornado, and a Wind Machine, but if some kind of cool breeze magic doesn’t show up soon, I’m going to have to start knocking on neighbors’ doors and asking them if they know anything about dad’s fan theory and if they’d like to help. Maybe I’ll have a cat, some cookies, and an umbrella in tow so they don’t have to ask themselves if I’m crazy.

They’ll just know. 



8 Responses to “The Fan Theory”

  1. Megan June 3, 2011 at 9:55 am #

    Did you test the fan theory out at Blue Lake? PS I miss you.


    • Jackie June 4, 2011 at 11:04 am #

      no, I was too busy trying to keep a ninja black squirrel from breaking in and eating all of Emily’s food. PS Come hang out with me. Where are you, anyways?


  2. egills June 3, 2011 at 9:57 am #

    When you suss it out can you tell me? It was so so hot last night


    • Jackie June 4, 2011 at 11:03 am #

      I’m thinking of running an experiment to see if it’s BS or not. If it is, I can probe millions of men wrong. If it is, I can save lotsa moolah. Win, win.


  3. Nicki Mazzocca June 3, 2011 at 11:35 am #

    I hate to tell you this, but fan theories are bogus. Spring for the money-sucking air conditioner. TOTALLY WORTH EVERY PENNY.


    • Jackie June 4, 2011 at 11:02 am #

      I don’t know… I’ve got quite a few men who are telling me it’s real and giving me the blueprints. I might run an experiment.


  4. Jules June 3, 2011 at 7:17 pm #

    We have these huge 22″ inch industrial fans in the house. They can really move air, but you would have to live with noise they make. This reminds me… I need to find a room fan for summer. Definitely something more sleep friendly.


    • Jackie June 4, 2011 at 11:02 am #

      I kind of got bombarded on Facebook with offers to explain this to me (all by men….) and apparently the key is to not put the fans in your room at all. You put them in other rooms, facing outward. Or something. I need to read through them again. *sigh*


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