The Answer to All My Problems

6 Jun

 

 

 

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Photo by "konradfoerstner". Click the image to check out their Flickr Photostream.

I need to be struck with a serious case of get-it-together.

My apartment is a horror.  I haven’t vacuumed in weeks, my dishes are stacked so high I have nothing to eat off, and there are things living on common surfaces that should have been tucked away in their hiding places long, long ago. 

In the meantime, my nails have disappeared.  I am talon-less.  My victory only one week ago is now null and void, as my nerves slowly scraped off the manicure, then slowly worked at the length, and finally destroyed my cuticles.   And yesterday I went for a long bike ride intended to work off some of the fatty fatness that has accumulated on me and clung like a barnacle to my sides and thighs, but I forgot that it’s Summer in the Springtime this year and came home tomato-red from head to toe.

No amount of aloe can help this.

I need some kind of clean-up crew for my life right now. I want to hire a power team of folks to whirl through my apartment and make it shiny and new.  A steam clean for the carpets wouldn’t hurt either.  And I could sit back on my couch, fanning myself and weaving an aloe-infused cocoon to help the healing process on my poor, crispy skin.

While the dream team is at it, they could work on setting up my checking account for automatic transfer into my savings and 401K.  They could find me a decent credit card offer so I can build my credit.  They could instruct me each day on what to eat and how to exercise so that I can be as hot as possible as fast as possible.  They could weed out my wardrobe of offending pieces and replace them with beautiful, flattering garments that distract people from aforementioned fat barnacles.  They could draft letters and thank you’s and hey-how-ya-doin’s to folks I need to connect with more often and maintain friendships that are dwindling now in my more-adult days.  They could also attend events on my behalf that conflict with events I’ve already committed to.  …And the ones that I just don’t want to go to.

Maybe  I could also get them to whip up a 5-year plan for me.

That seems to cover all the areas I need right now.  I’m sure I’ll think of more and I can just pile them on when the folks get here.  They can write it in on the bottom of the invoice.  Right under “General life clean-up and consultation to include (but not be limited to): Apartment cleaning, construction of aloe cocoon, financial consultation and account setup, nutrition and training advice, personal shopping and wardrobe consultation, letter drafting, relationship sustaining, event attendance, networking, and formulation of effective 5-year plan.” 

It will be the best money I’ve ever spent.

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11 Responses to “The Answer to All My Problems”

  1. egills June 6, 2011 at 9:45 am #

    I was actually trying to work out a way of justifying to pay a cleaner to help in our house! I seem to spend most of my time doing stuff and never get the chance to actually do any cleaning….or anything for me actually 😦

    • Jackie June 7, 2011 at 8:00 pm #

      When I was in college I cleaned once a week for an old, wealthy couple who didn’t want to deal with their own mess. They paid me 10 bucks an hour and in 3 hours, their house was dynamite clean. If you don’t want to hire a professional, cut costs and post ads for a student looking for a few hours of work. Try to get one with references so they don’t steal your stuff and rip you off though 😉

  2. misswhiplash June 6, 2011 at 9:48 am #

    I’d love to come and sort you out Jackie, you sound as though you are in a pickle and need a helping hand. If I could I would wing my way to your house sort everything and be back here in time for tea.
    BUT……
    My halo slipped and damaged my wings, The airport is 300k away and the only plane has already left.
    So sorry my dear but I cannot make it today

    maybe another time when my halo is fixed!

    LOVE p

    • Jackie June 7, 2011 at 7:58 pm #

      Awwww well by the time you get it fixed maybe I’ll have my act together and we can simply go out for tea here 🙂 ❤

  3. pegoleg June 6, 2011 at 11:18 am #

    One word: Oprah. She will be able to straighten everything out. In fact, this sounds like a super-fab idea for a show for her new network: Life Clean-Up Crew.

    • Jackie June 7, 2011 at 7:57 pm #

      oh man, I’d be kind of sad and kind of amazed if she just left her show to start another. But if she does, maybe I’ll write her a letter about the show pitch 😛

  4. thesinglecell June 7, 2011 at 2:43 pm #

    Pretty sure Dave should be helping out with the bit about the apartment clean-up. Try a washcloth (if you have any clean ones) soaked in milk (and wrung out) to help with your sunburn. And you can ask someone smart to recommend a Finance Guy. I did, and my FG diversified my 401(k), rolled over an old one to an IRA, and doesn’t care that I don’t pay him a dime beyond what he can barely skim from the investments he makes for me, which I don’t notice. I also love that my bank rounds my debit card purchases up to the next dollar and transfers the difference to my savings account. I have absolute faith that you can get this done. And if your phone dies, definitely work on that show for Oprah.

    • Jackie June 7, 2011 at 7:49 pm #

      Wow never heard of milk for a sunburn… I shall definitely give it a try. Man, that is just one empowering comment. Thank you so much for the cheer squad!

  5. 50yearproject June 7, 2011 at 7:33 pm #

    I’ve been telling everyone for years that I would like a nanny. Not for my kids, I don’t have any, but for me. Someone to cook, clean, set out my clothes, and have cookies ready for me when I get home from work. That would be a dream. As for now, I am busy trying to unclog my shower. Time to flush it out with hot water. I wish you luck!

    • Jackie June 7, 2011 at 7:46 pm #

      Yes, that would be lovely. Would also cost a fortune, but as I said: money well spent 😉

      Speaking of which…it’s probably time for me to unclog my bath drain…

      • 50yearproject June 7, 2011 at 7:52 pm #

        Good luck with the drain. This is my third attempt.

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