I need to be struck with a serious case of get-it-together.
My apartment is a horror. I haven’t vacuumed in weeks, my dishes are stacked so high I have nothing to eat off, and there are things living on common surfaces that should have been tucked away in their hiding places long, long ago.
In the meantime, my nails have disappeared. I am talon-less. My victory only one week ago is now null and void, as my nerves slowly scraped off the manicure, then slowly worked at the length, and finally destroyed my cuticles. And yesterday I went for a long bike ride intended to work off some of the fatty fatness that has accumulated on me and clung like a barnacle to my sides and thighs, but I forgot that it’s Summer in the Springtime this year and came home tomato-red from head to toe.
No amount of aloe can help this.
I need some kind of clean-up crew for my life right now. I want to hire a power team of folks to whirl through my apartment and make it shiny and new. A steam clean for the carpets wouldn’t hurt either. And I could sit back on my couch, fanning myself and weaving an aloe-infused cocoon to help the healing process on my poor, crispy skin.
While the dream team is at it, they could work on setting up my checking account for automatic transfer into my savings and 401K. They could find me a decent credit card offer so I can build my credit. They could instruct me each day on what to eat and how to exercise so that I can be as hot as possible as fast as possible. They could weed out my wardrobe of offending pieces and replace them with beautiful, flattering garments that distract people from aforementioned fat barnacles. They could draft letters and thank you’s and hey-how-ya-doin’s to folks I need to connect with more often and maintain friendships that are dwindling now in my more-adult days. They could also attend events on my behalf that conflict with events I’ve already committed to. …And the ones that I just don’t want to go to.
Maybe I could also get them to whip up a 5-year plan for me.
That seems to cover all the areas I need right now. I’m sure I’ll think of more and I can just pile them on when the folks get here. They can write it in on the bottom of the invoice. Right under “General life clean-up and consultation to include (but not be limited to): Apartment cleaning, construction of aloe cocoon, financial consultation and account setup, nutrition and training advice, personal shopping and wardrobe consultation, letter drafting, relationship sustaining, event attendance, networking, and formulation of effective 5-year plan.”
It will be the best money I’ve ever spent. ♣