Warning: Fake Nails May Cause Blindness, Pantslessness, and Thirst.

10 Jul
Full Nail Hot Pink 3

Image by ENUL Inverted Nail Systems. Click to check out their Flickr Photostream.

On Friday a coworker took me out on my lunch break to give me an early birthday present: a new set of talons.

I have mentioned from time to time my affinity for gnawing the living daylights out of my fingers when I get nervous, excited, anxious, angry, bored…  Perhaps it’s easier to just admit that if I’m not sleeping, I’m probably biting my nails down to their nittiest grittiest.  But on Friday, I was given the gift of sass and can no longer access said slivers of nail thanks to a thick, acrylic coating that separates them from the wrath of my incisors.

And though I rocked fake nails in high school like it was my job, I have been without them for quite some time and have spent the weekend reacquainting myself.   In addition to a hefty dose of instant sass, my newly acquired falsies offer a slew of obstacles during everyday activities.

The most frequent, and unfortunately  most painful, is the taking out of my contacts – which can now be aptly renamed ‘the gouging out of my eyeballs’.  After having finger/eye contact twice a day for a million days in a row without razor sharp acrylic blades attached to my fingers, it does not come easily to me to make the adjustment.  As a result, I burrow into my eyeball to peel out my contacts and in the process stick the end of my nail tip directly into my eyes.  Twice a day, every day until my brain learns.  I also can’t open sodas without assistance.  Or type as efficiently.  Or zip up my jeans without a great deal of struggle. 

Let’s be clear: zipping up my jeans is always a struggle.  Just not often for this reason.

It is obvious to the outside observer that the cons of said talon acquisition (no HR pun intended) far outnumber the perks.  And I certainly agree.  The problem is that the few, lonely perks are just so darn nice that I tell myself I don’t actually need practical use of my fingers in all occasions.    After all, what’s opening a soda compared to giving killer back-scratches, not looking like I have sausages for fingers and having an automatic dose of sass added to my gestures?

There are times, however,  – usually right after a good, firm poke in the pupil – that I think I should rip them off.  But the only thing worse than terrible cuticles and sausage fingers is terrible cuticles and sausage fingers that have just emerged from the ripping off of fake acrylic nails.  No, I made a decision and I’m sticking to it.  I decided to live in the land of sass and magic and here I am.  There’s no practicality here – no ease of use.  Pain is beauty, my friends and I the price for sucking at growing out my natural nails is that I must insert my fingers into my eyeballs until I either learn a better method or go as blind as a baby mole rat.   I’m going to have to strap in and get a hang of these.

Or switch to glasses, skirts, and bottled soda. 


11 Responses to “Warning: Fake Nails May Cause Blindness, Pantslessness, and Thirst.”

  1. Jules July 10, 2011 at 10:21 am #

    Just go with glasses, Jackie. I only use my contacts when I need to (sport) and rock my spectacles the rest of the time. I believe they have more personality.


    • Jackie July 17, 2011 at 3:53 pm #

      They get in the waaaaay. Ugh and how do deal with the sweat in the summer? It just lingers with glasses on.


  2. misswhiplash July 10, 2011 at 11:09 am #

    I loved my acrylic nails. They were not painted plain but had pictures on them. I really enjoyed those nails. Sadly though two of my fingers became allergic and started an infection. So I had to take them off..now I am waiting for two finger nails to grow again!!!
    Like you I could not type and one of my nails got caught under the N on my laptop and I had to buy a new keyboard which was not cheap.
    Maybe its a good thing that they are no longer. Now I have to peel potatoes as I no longer have an excuse..but I must admit I do miss them


  3. sinavratil July 10, 2011 at 11:28 am #

    I gnaw on my nails the way you do. I got gels for my wedding a couple years ago. They were thick not at all sharp so scratching was in no way satisfying. They were great for the wedding because I was able to get the cliche picture of the rings on our fingers and my hand was clearly the female hand. They were not great, however, for the honeymoon which was spent in the rocky mountains. I broke them off as fast as I could. I’ll stick to pedicures thank you very much! 🙂 I love your writing style! Keep it up!


  4. C July 10, 2011 at 12:35 pm #

    I, too, had to adjust to inserting and removing my contacts with acrylic nails, and I’ve found two solutions: you can pinch a contact out with the pads of your middle finger and thumb, or you can file your nails down. As a musician, I have to keep my left hand’s nails short anyway, and I think you’ll find that the sass factor isn’t lost by shaving off a millimeter or so.


    • Jackie July 17, 2011 at 3:52 pm #

      I might try shaving them down soon to compensate for the growth – thank you so much for the tips. …no pun intended…


  5. pegoleg July 10, 2011 at 4:53 pm #

    I’ve never had the fakes, but the few times I’ve had a manicure, the paint was chipping off within hours. I can’t understand how women function in the real world with these. Maybe the skirts/glasses thing is the trick. Good luck with that!


    • Jackie July 17, 2011 at 3:51 pm #

      Peg, I’m really rooting for you to go glam up with a mani/pedi.

      And if you ever do, I hope something hilarious happens so you can blog about it.


  6. egills July 11, 2011 at 11:36 am #

    And then of course you have to re-learn how to do things once you’ve decided no nails is better….


  7. Jessica July 11, 2011 at 1:47 pm #

    Aww, I miss my sassy nails. They’re so pretty. Haven’t been able to afford them for three years. No patience for just painting myself. Got the paint but not the drive. It’s so much more fun to be pampered and have someone else do it for you anyway. Sigh. Maybe someday we’ll be affluent enough to do it regularly again. lol


    • Jackie July 17, 2011 at 3:44 pm #

      or start a change jar and cash it in for some pampering. 30 bucks doesn’t take long to acquire if you throw your change in. 😉 go get some talons, gal.


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