Stanley the Cockroach, My New BFF

9 Jul

This morning while I was brushing my teeth I was greeted by a little baby cockroach that emerged from the deep, dark recesses of beyond my medicine cabinet.

German Cockroach

Photo by Sarah Camp. Click image to check out her Flickr Photostream.

I know.  This is hard for me, too.

A long, long time ago, I thought I saw a cockroach dart from behind my aspirin bottle to a strange manufacturer-placed keyhole  in the back of the medicine cabinet.   Like, a full-sized cockroach.   A daddy roach, if you will.    But I told myself I was seeing things.  I told myself my eyes must have deceived me and that instead of coming from within the very walls of my apartment, daddy roach actually came from the  land of make-believe.

But then I saw the baby cockroach this morning and as my toothbrush dropped from my slack-jawed, foaming mouth, it became clear to me that I was staring at the offspring of some master hive behind my cabinet.  Behind that very thin, very ancient scrap of metal is several thousand cockroaches milling amongst each other making sweet, sweet cockroach love.

I’ll bet cockroach sex is awkward.

Unfortunately, I live in an apartment complex and I can’t just call a fumigator and smoke them out immediately.  Instead I must call my grumpy, teapot-shaped landlord – who will just call a fumigator.   I would like to reiterate that I live in an apartment complex and am thereby relieved of said cockroach love nest.  We’re very clean people.

They’re in there right now.  Eating my aspirin.

The real problem here isn’t the medicine cabinet, really.  The problem is everywhere else.  Because every time I open a carton, glance in a cup, crawl into bed – I fear I might find one  crawling around with little bits of medicine cabinet drugs gathered in its antennae.    I fear I’ll wake up in the middle of the night to images of the teapot landlord pulling the medicine cabinet out only to find one super giant, human-sized cockroach lording over them all.  

I’ve obviously watched too many movies in which human-sized cockroaches are not negotiable.

Maybe this could be a good thing.  I mean, I don’t really get out of my apartment much and Dave is often out doing gigs.  So maybe an enormous cockroach could be my new best friend.   I would name him Stanley.

On second thought, I’m sorry.  This has gone too far.  I need to go call my landlord.

I’m starting to get the willies. 

Today’s RAK:  A few gifts for a group of unsuspecting musicians.
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16 Responses to “Stanley the Cockroach, My New BFF”

  1. Jules July 9, 2011 at 10:32 am #

    You should see southeast asian cockroaches. They’re twice as large and they fly. Would you still be interested in befriending them? 🙂

    Like

    • Jackie July 9, 2011 at 6:11 pm #

      ABSOLUTELY NOT I WILL NOT TOLERATE FLYING COCKROACHES.

      Like

  2. SandySays1 July 9, 2011 at 11:16 am #

    MMMMMMmmmmmm, Those nasty little buggers are shiver givers. My human used to go to a lot of foriegn counties and stay in some hotels infested with them. He said the thing that used to literally keep him up at night was the fact that he snores with his mouth open and the bastards come out at night. Course I wouldn’t think of that if I were you…
    Sandy
    http://www.sandysays1.wordpress.com

    Like

    • Jackie July 9, 2011 at 6:11 pm #

      Ew. Ewwww. Thank you, Sandy, for adding that to my list of worries.

      Like

  3. thesinglecell July 9, 2011 at 11:24 am #

    Ewwwww ew ew ew. I’m with you. I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I saw a bug of some indistinct variety that I feared was a cockroach scurry under my couch the other night, and I haven’t seen him since, and I’ve been very concerned about his whereabouts. One bug sighting and I get all creepy-crawly tingly like I think there’s one on me every ten seconds.

    But I love that your landlord is teapot-shaped.

    Like

    • Jackie July 9, 2011 at 6:10 pm #

      Don’t fool yourself. That’s a Stanley. Seek out dark, crumb-hiding crevices and look for their love nest.

      And he really is 🙂

      Like

  4. misswhiplash July 9, 2011 at 12:29 pm #

    You are funny! Did you not know that Stanley was eating your Asprins because he was not feeling at all well. He may have had a headache!
    As for Stanley jnr. He was only making his first outing to explore his new world.His first cockroach steps.
    He does look rather sweet..sort of.. but I think I agree with you. He and his family and all the relations MUST move out. I bet they did not pay any rent….

    Like

    • Jackie July 9, 2011 at 6:06 pm #

      If they paid rent, P, I’d let them do whatever they want behind that cabinet. I might even give them a spot in one of the kitchen cupboards.

      Like

  5. pegoleg July 9, 2011 at 3:24 pm #

    That’s one of the main reasons to withstand the frigid winters here in the north – we don’t get nearly the humongous cockroaches they do down south. But this is still a very “eeeww” moment – I feel for you.

    Like

    • Jackie July 9, 2011 at 6:05 pm #

      Choosing between enormous cockroaches and frigid winters is a terrible place to be.

      Like

  6. knotrune July 10, 2011 at 6:51 am #

    Ewww! But not so different from that cricket you ate… That would be one way to get rid of them. You could fry them up all crispy and crunchy and that would save having to buy dinner!

    Sorry, that was probably lowering the grossness level below what is acceptable, but I couldn’t resist! 😉

    Like

    • Jackie July 17, 2011 at 3:53 pm #

      LOL absolutely disgusting, but well done.

      Like

  7. Lori July 10, 2011 at 12:49 pm #

    Most bugs don’t bother me… but man, cockroaches are so awful. I think I read somewhere once that they like toothpaste, so make sure that you keep traces of it cleaned up in the bathroom.

    Like

    • Jackie July 17, 2011 at 3:51 pm #

      I feel like you should know that when I read this post, I promptly went to the medicine cabinet and cleaned off a toothpaste gob I’d been neglecting for weeks.

      Like

  8. Emmie Lou July 12, 2011 at 9:23 pm #

    I don’t think I’ve been more amused and more terrified. I fear cockroaches like I fear death. I think this is one of the many reasons I could never consider moving to the South. Good luck!

    Like

    • Jackie July 17, 2011 at 3:37 pm #

      The south is better than Asia. In Asia, they fly.

      Like

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