My Niece Is Out to Get Me

14 Aug

My throne is being usurped.

Right this moment, my brother’s newborn baby girl  is sleeping soundly and simultaneously assuming the position as the most beloved girl in the family without even the slightest effort on her part.

My glory days are over.

I’m the youngest of three and the only one of the female construction; I’m not really used to having any youngin’s up in my territory, most especially of the xx chromosome pairing.  I have lost the two key identifiers that made me relevant in the family set up.  Now with only a theater degree and, well, a theater degree… I have absolutely nothing to offer that hasn’t already been covered by other members of the family in light of the newest additions.

I do make a mean batch of chocolate chip cookies, but it’s mom’s recipe so I’m not really necessary for its execution. And unlike my newborn niece and nephew, I can walk, use the restroom on my own, and make myself food.  But it’s only a matter of time before they’re rockin the same skill set there as well.

I have been failing to make any contributions to the family tree even though I’m a ripe age for doing so.  I have offered up no husband and thus no mini Jackies.  And while I’m perfectly happy to keep it that way for quite a while longer, I’m beginning to realize that I’m going to have to come up with some other sacrifice for the family altar in the meantime.

I’m not sure that lambs and barley will be  sufficient.

I don’t know if I could come up with those two old school requirements even if they were the key to the family gods’ satisfaction.   Barley can’t be difficult to track down in PA, but I sense a moral dilemma coming on with the sacrifice of a lamb.

And so I must develop a new, crucial skill set.  I can no longer sit complacent in my position as only reigning young female, for it is no longer my crown to wear. 

Perhaps juggling.  Yes – juggling.  I’ll try my hand at it and become the family jester.

Looks like I’ll rope in their affection with that Theater degree after all. 

My bright future.


22 Responses to “My Niece Is Out to Get Me”

  1. Bridgesburning Chris King August 14, 2011 at 9:09 am #

    You ar hilarious Jackie and always ‘most beloved’. Perhaps your niece is only faux beloved? Nah she is just differently beloved!


    • Jackie August 17, 2011 at 10:50 pm #

      she’s certainly the most loved. I can’t compete with miniature people.

      🙂 Thanks, Chris 😀


  2. misswhiplash August 14, 2011 at 9:42 am #

    You will always be our number one, do not fret!

    Not so sure about the choc chip cookies after your report on trying to incinerate Mom , Dad and house.

    You will be a stupendous Aunty so even if you are not no.1 female you will be number 1 Aunty instead and they will adore you


    • Jackie August 17, 2011 at 10:51 pm #

      no really – I make a good chocolate chip cookie batch if I can manage not to start a fire. Really!


  3. Jules August 14, 2011 at 10:46 am #

    Creepiest. Jester. Ever.


  4. pegoleg August 14, 2011 at 12:36 pm #

    Do you sense a superior smirk on her rosebud lips as she sleeps? She knows she’s toppled you from your throne.

    Better get used to your new role – Aunt Jackie who teaches her all the fun, obnoxious stuff that will drive her parents crazy.

    Congrats on your new, little relative!


    • Jackie August 17, 2011 at 10:47 pm #

      Thanks, Peg! I don’t know that I have anything to pass on. I’m not even sure I know how to interact with them. Sure, I’m fine now, but someday they’ll talk. And then what do I say?!


  5. wordsweneversaid August 14, 2011 at 7:44 pm #


    You are ‘Auntie Jackie – the writer’

    When your 365 days are up you will publish this blog along with notes written about the whole journey from the start to the end and become a famous humorist beloved by millions…

    You are already on your way – just remember to plan for fame and you will be fine.


    Uh – P.S.?

    Did you ever find out what the fancy pot holder look-a-like actually was? (my kids and I wanted to know)


    • Jackie August 17, 2011 at 10:46 pm #

      LOL sometimes when I sleep, that happens. you know. in my dreams. 🙂 Thanks for the encouragement.

      As for the “potholder”, it turns out it was actually a potholder… but a pathetic excuse for one when it has such a low heat resistance (and tends to stick to things) It seems to be more appropriate for setting warm dinner plates on than, say, throwing in the oven for a good time. 😉 the silicon potholder here is almost an exact replica if you’d like a visual. Scroll down a bit.


  6. The_Observationalist_NYC August 14, 2011 at 8:35 pm #

    Being an aunt (or in my case, an uncle) can be so fun! So much mischief awaits!


    • Jackie August 17, 2011 at 10:43 pm #

      They’re pretty friggin cute, I’ll give them that much 😉


  7. egills August 15, 2011 at 8:10 am #

    Great post!
    Oh the fun you are going to have when she gets older… all the joys of children with none of the worry / sleepless nights.
    Being the only female in my family I’ve never had that worry…. my parents have 6 grandchildren and they’re all boys! Maybe when mine start to sprog I’ll have to watch my back……….


    • Jackie August 17, 2011 at 10:43 pm #

      I want so many boys! I love boys; they’re the best 🙂

      I just love that you say sprog. And I’ve started to add it to my casual running vocabulary, solely because you read and comment on my blog. Thanks 🙂


  8. Sonja August 15, 2011 at 8:59 am #

    Learn to knit. I’m the youngest of 3 girls, you can imagine the competition there! I learned to knit several years ago and the only one in my family that does. THAT sets me apart from the other two. They have to buy Mom scarves. I MAKE them 🙂


    • Jackie August 17, 2011 at 10:42 pm #

      I’ve always wanted to know how to knit but it looks complicated and like it takes patience. :/


  9. paulbeforeswine August 15, 2011 at 12:58 pm #

    I totally feel you. I was the youngest of three boys. I was the baby of the family and de facto cutest. Until…

    … the nephew was born. I then became number two. Nobody cares about number two.

    Then two and a half years later, a second nephew was born.

    Look at the bright side: at least you’re not number three


    • Jackie August 17, 2011 at 9:39 pm #

      Well I actually got a nephew a month ago and now a niece, so I really am third.



  10. moffattbooks August 17, 2011 at 11:50 pm #

    I’m in the same boat as the single Uncle with 3 nephews and a niece. So my sacrifice is watching the kids at gatherings and trying to get them gifts they’ll actually enjoy. That seems to be more harder work than just having a kid


    • Jackie August 20, 2011 at 10:38 am #

      Except for all the labor and whatnot, absolutely 😉


  11. Neeka August 18, 2011 at 10:25 pm #

    I’m a miniature person! Okay, not that small anymore…does 10 count as tiny? Didn’t think so..


    • Jackie August 20, 2011 at 10:23 am #

      relatively speaking, 10’s pretty small. but it’s a wonderful place to be 😉


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