Dear Brain: Please Work

15 Aug

Ever have one of those days where you just can’t seem to get a grip on your motor skills?

That was me, oh – I don’t know – all weekend.

Somewhere between falling asleep Friday and waking up Saturday, I inexplicably lost all command of my body.  My brain was sending messages, but somewhere there was a short the wire and nothing really got through.   I could have stared at my hand with a cup of water in it and when my brain told it to put the cup down, it would instead promptly toss the water in my face.

I guess that’s less of a ‘short in the wire’ and more like a ‘go get professional help’. 

Texting was an absolute nightmare.  It’s usually rather taxing anyway thanks to my unwillingness to get a new phone when I’m sporting one that’s had five models after it.  Five! I’ve been using the same model of phone for five years.  Combine its natural malfunctions with my lack of physical control this weekend,and I may as well have just flipped it open and pounded the keys with my fist.  It would have been far more intelligible. 

Physical accomplishments that are typically ordinary came as enormous feats to me.  I failed several times to crack an egg with any sense of experience.  I would have been better off throwing them against the kitchen wall and holding a pan below to catch the yolk as it slid down.   I also found it difficult to avoid furniture as I navigated the house, managing to run into the same exact obstruction three times within 15 minutes.   I should have called off cooking altogether; when I attempted to lower chicken into a pan of hot oil, my hands decided to release the tongs before my brain was quite ready. 

The cherry on the moron sundae was when I took out my contacts at the end of the night.  As I grabbed my case, I managed to dump all the solution from the day before on myself instead of into the sink.  To top it off, when I tried to fill it back up with fresh solution I was holding the case was upside down – which resulted in me splattering more solution all over myself.

I didn’t even notice until the third straight second of bottle-squeezing.

Perhaps today I shan’t attempt anything at all.  It’s unfortunate that my job requires me to pick up the phone and type at the computer.  My day may be spent arguing with my fingers.  I’ll turn in at the end of the night with a very sore right pinky finger from exercising my right to the ‘delete’ key.

I’ll nurse that wound along with the chicken grease splatter, the sore leg from the repeated furniture run in, and what little is left of my pride.

 

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22 Responses to “Dear Brain: Please Work”

  1. misswhiplash August 15, 2011 at 9:37 am #

    I have a spare straight-jacket if you need one!

    It’s all the excitement of all these new babies

    Like

    • Jackie August 17, 2011 at 10:41 pm #

      yes! I’ll blame the babies – brilliant!!

      Like

  2. Seasweetie August 15, 2011 at 9:46 am #

    You just described my last Wednesday. Five attempts to get dressed only resulted in my discovering after I had arrived at work that I had my underwear on inside out and my dress on backwards. Seriously. And the day went downhill from there. Is there something in the seasonal air, perhaps? Stay home, my friend. Do not get out of bed. Trust me. But then again, it is probably too late for such sage advice. Good luck.

    Like

    • Jackie August 17, 2011 at 10:40 pm #

      LOL it appears we’re all struggling here. What a mess with the underwear AND the dress – a double whammy for sure.

      Like

  3. egills August 15, 2011 at 10:06 am #

    I’m thinking there must be something in the air… I even managed to explode a frying pan of boiling hot red wine reduction all over myself and the kitchen on Saturday…. Stay in bed I say… and next weekend will see me repainting / regrouting the kitchen.

    Like

    • Jackie August 17, 2011 at 10:40 pm #

      oh ooooouch 😦 I hope you’re all right, E!

      Like

  4. pegoleg August 15, 2011 at 10:43 am #

    I’m admiring my black-and-blue second toe from running into a door this weekend. Do we sense a pattern in all this mayhem? Any lunar shifts occur lately?

    Like

    • Jackie August 17, 2011 at 10:40 pm #

      See – these are the things scientists should be researching. Not space exploration, but what the hell happens that makes me a complete moron when I wake up some mornings?!

      Like

  5. Pete August 15, 2011 at 11:44 am #

    Sometimes, given the complex coctails of chemicals all going about their business in our brains, pinging synapses and twanging neurons, I wonder that we are even able to maintain a coherent personality from day to day. When the various influences of last nights half bottle of wine, the sleeplessness due to the hacking and coughing from my dear wife (poor thing has a terrible cold) and the diet of junk food I allowed myself this weekend, the amazing consistency of the experience of being alive seems utterly implausable. So, with all of the variability that those factors wreak upon a poor addled brain, it is no wonder one has the odd off-day. The wonder is, in fact, that we actually have days where we function correctly. Or perhaps I don’t, thinking about it. Ho hum…

    Like

    • Jackie August 17, 2011 at 10:16 pm #

      LOL well said. and yes, agreed.

      Like

  6. thesinglecell August 15, 2011 at 11:44 am #

    Did you have a stroke?

    It was a full moon. I will give you that!

    Like

    • Jackie August 17, 2011 at 10:15 pm #

      I’ve never had one, but I imagine it was much the same in terms of effects haha

      Like

  7. rebeccasretreat August 15, 2011 at 2:00 pm #

    I’m ashamed to admit I’m slightly giggling at your dismay and pain. We’ve all been there, it can’t be helped can it? I’ve lived in the same house for nearly 12 years, and I always manage to catch my hip and cut myself on the bottom corner of the banister as I eagerly turn to fast to the kitchen. On special days, I’ll catch myself twice. Perhaps those are the days I should stay in my room, locked, with a nice series of Friends on TV?

    Like

    • Jackie August 17, 2011 at 9:02 pm #

      Yes, staying indoors (and with little movement) seems to be the only safe way. 🙂

      Like

  8. Samantha August 15, 2011 at 4:24 pm #

    I had a day like that awhile back. Everything I typed looked like I was severely dyslexic.

    I also have weeks where I bump my head on EVERYTHING.

    Like

    • Jackie August 17, 2011 at 8:30 pm #

      Hitting the head repeatedly can’t be good for avoiding repeats of days like that. 🙂

      Like

  9. curiositycat August 15, 2011 at 5:03 pm #

    I have three children and fact that our plates are unbreakable plastic has nothing to do with them. My body is the way you describe all the time. Breakable things pray for mercy if I so much as look at them.

    My brain doesn’t always follow instructions either. It’s like there are three of me, and the only part I have control over is the soul or self or ego or whatever-you-wanna-call-it that nobody can define because, frankly, it’s the useless bit. Seriously, what is the point of having it when it’s not even in control of the useful bits?

    Point in fact: When I first typed this my fingers claimed that I have FIVE children. Or maybe it was my brain that said that. They did change it back to three after a brief conference but HONESTLY, it’s not rocket science guys.

    Thanks for letting me know I’m not the only one whose parts are controlled by strangers.

    Like

    • Jackie August 17, 2011 at 8:25 pm #

      LOL I love everything about this comment. Thank you so much for sharing.

      Like

  10. tkatchev616 August 16, 2011 at 2:56 am #

    Sounds like one of those days that you trip while walking outside, look behind you to curse what you tripped over and find that it’s nothing but flat concrete?

    Like

    • Jackie August 16, 2011 at 8:50 pm #

      indeed. Indeed. It was a rough one 😉

      Like

  11. crazipeach August 20, 2011 at 5:52 am #

    I’m glad you are coherent enough to share with us yet another great post! 🙂

    Like

    • Jackie August 20, 2011 at 9:57 am #

      Thanks – it was certainly a struggle 😉

      Like

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