My Death Is Fast Approaching

19 Aug

I think I’m going to die soon.

Listen, I’ve thought that I would die before I hit 26 since I was young.  Really.  I’ve heard lots of people think this, but I really genuinely think it might all be over soon for me.  And when it is, I want you all to publish this post as a big, fat warning. So that other people who say “you know, I really think I’m going to die young” can shut up and look at the signs.  Because here they are.

As a general observation, my brain is simply shutting down.  I think it’s just tired.   Tired of thinking, tired of learning new words and procedures and rules and things.  Tired of figuring stuff out and explaining it to other people, tired of having people figure things out and explain them to me.  It’s just done.  It’s off.  It’s actively rebelling.  Every day is a struggle against its stubbornness.  More and more often I’m doing things like putting cereal in the fridge.  Or squirting conditioner all over my loofah and washing with it.

The other day, I almost brushed my teeth with hemorrhoid cream.

Listen.  I know you won’t believe me, but it’s a great way to reduce eye puffiness.  It’s just not a good idea to keep it in your medicine cabinet.  Because you might find that when you’re about to die, your brain shuts down and you’re more prone to try to clean your teeth with butt cream.

I’ve also seriously started to rely on talking myself through situations.  When things just aren’t connecting for me, I talk myself through it.  Out loud.  I usually call myself names and say terrible things.  I’m not incredibly patient or optimistic when faced with my own moronicness.  And whereas I used to crank through it like a champ – now I have to talk aloud.  I have to walk myself through it verbally.  “Click this.  Put the paper down.  Remember your keys. Take the cereal back out of the fridge.”  Sometimes I have to just have a conversation with myself in the mirror.  “I’ll just go there, pick that up, run over there, grab that unless it closes early, and then I might be able to do such and such”.  

In these last moments of life, it’s important to do a little self-coaching.  Else, I might accomplish nothing whatsoever and my cupboards will be chock full of curdled milk.

I’ve also become completely incapable of dealing with stress.  I don’t know how I’ve done it my entire life up until now.  It’s like I’ve just completely forgotten how to let things go and relax.  Or how to handle 15 different things at once.   Now I just come home, eat things that will make me die sooner, and rock myself to sleep as my body tries very, very hard to not have a stroke.

My motor skills are almost entirely deteriorated.  My hands write and type things I don’t intend and I can’t even control them enough to delete or rewrite them correctly.  I knock things over, crack my limbs on things, and sometimes stare at an object for several seconds sending a message to my body to do something to it but nothing happens.  I  just stare.  Sometimes I’m in the middle of a conversation and I just stop.  I just completely stop.  As if someone has sucked every thought out of my brain I don’t know what I’m talking about, why I’m with the person in front of me, or what the last thing they said was.  And even if I stand there for thirty seconds, it won’t come to me.  I have to just accept defeat and walk away baffled and how failure is humanly possible on such a blatant, epic scale.

It’s time to face the facts: my time is coming to an end.  I hit the 20’s and fast-forwarded straight to senility.  It’s only a matter of time before I start involuntarily relieving myself and shouting at strangers.

Remember friends: these were the signs of a swift approaching death. 

My untimely demise, courtesy of


28 Responses to “My Death Is Fast Approaching”

  1. Lori August 19, 2011 at 9:22 am #

    Oh dear. It sounds like you need to work less and sleep more. Or, as you suggested in a recent post, cut out more fluff, say no more, and take that time to sleep more. Life is too short to be living like a robot! Especially yours, since you suspect that this is your last year to live.


    • Jackie August 20, 2011 at 10:12 am #

      Good advice – I don’t want to be too bogged down in these last days.


  2. Sonja August 19, 2011 at 9:39 am #

    You need a vacay!! If it makes you feel better, I’ve been like that for about a year now. I’m two short months from turning 40 so you still have a few years on ya 🙂


    • Jackie August 20, 2011 at 10:11 am #

      think about that – if I’m 25 and I’m where you’re at at (almost) 40, then my brain has lost 15 years already. At that rate, I’ll surely be dead by 30 😉


  3. phrogmom August 19, 2011 at 9:39 am #

    i second the pp poster, more sleep should help with brain tiredness. take it from someone who hasn’t slept through the night in over three years (two babies). this is also kind of random, but i find my depression manifests itself as feeling overwhelmed/incapable of handling things. i tried to get off my zoloft because i didn’t need it, and before i knew it i was a basket case thinking i couldn’t handle it all. getting back on the sauce really helped. it felt like a failure at the start, but soon i was able to handle life’s obstacles with somewhat more decorum (or at least less crying).


    • Jackie August 20, 2011 at 10:08 am #

      lol “getting back on the sauce”. Thanks for sharing, Phrog. I hope someday soon you can sleep through a whole night 🙂


  4. misswhiplash August 19, 2011 at 9:40 am #

    Well what can one say to a Jackie on the verge of her demise…
    Your epitaph was very well written as all your blogs are but I think that you may be a tad too, early in your premonition because having had a word with the Man on High, He says that He is not expecting your imminent arrival.
    so I think that maybe things are out of proportion in your life and that you should do what Lori has suggested above.
    Sleep more. worry less and cut out the fluff.

    If you are seriously depressed send me an e mail


    • Jackie August 20, 2011 at 10:07 am #

      Sleep more, worry less, cut fluff. Wise words for anyone I think 🙂 Thank you.


  5. Missjlouise August 19, 2011 at 9:52 am #

    Words have power…. write something beautiful tommorrow I don’t like this post 😦


    • Jackie August 20, 2011 at 10:07 am #

      Sorry, miss – I have lots of other posts! 🙂 It was meant to be lighthearted so my apologies that it brought you down.


  6. t August 19, 2011 at 10:20 am #

    i don’t know if it will help any, but i just began my 17th “last year of my life”… They do get easier with time.


    • Jackie August 20, 2011 at 10:06 am #

      lol Thanks t 🙂


      • t August 20, 2011 at 10:40 am #

        My pleasure, and i didn’t enjoy several cocktails in your honor last night as well 🙂


  7. Jules August 19, 2011 at 11:20 am #

    Have you gone swimming in any warm body of fresh water. Like a lake? Maybe one of those amoebas crawled up your nose and is currently feasting on you brain.


    • Jackie August 20, 2011 at 10:03 am #

      who do I even call for that? is that just a regular doctor trip? or do I have to go to a special brain amoeba doctor? – because I don’t think my insurance covers that.


  8. thesinglecell August 19, 2011 at 11:51 am #

    Oh, sweetie, you’re not going to die. This is just what happens for the rest of your life. It’s a treat. But I’d venture that a significant contributor to your current scatteredness is that you’re too busy and thinking of too many things at once. You gotta slow down.

    That amoeba thing is worth checking on, though.


    • Jackie August 20, 2011 at 10:02 am #

      lol great – so glad I can look forward to this going forward. And yeah – I’m gonna give the “cut stress factors and try to slow down” a try 😉


  9. Renee Mason August 19, 2011 at 1:05 pm #

    Jesus Jackie, I’m sorry as hell to have to say this, but YOU ARE RIGHT! That’s all the exact same shit that happened to me before I passed away. I’ll make sure the welcoming committee has your arrival reception refreshments all set up & ready to go for you!!


  10. Big Al August 19, 2011 at 2:46 pm #

    Here lies Jackie
    Taken from us early
    She was only in her 20’s
    So it sounds a little squirrely.

    But she insisted it was true
    So it must have been a hex
    But to honor her request
    We must all pay our respects

    She’ll blog with us no more
    Which will really be a shame
    We’ll just read some other blogs
    But they’ll never be the same.

    I hope she’ll reconsider
    And stay on a little while
    We sure would miss her writing
    And it’s captivating style

    So if she’s still around
    And happens on this rhyme
    I hope she’ll spurn the reaper
    Cause she still has lots of time.


  11. knotrune August 20, 2011 at 5:22 am #

    That sounds like a warning sign for something. If it’s imminent death, then I also am about to die. But it sounds to me like you have too much stress and seriously need to cut something stressful out of your life now before it’s too late and you have some kind of breakdown. I am having to have a year off and counselling because I didn’t listen to the warning signs 🙂 Not much fun really! Lollipop Tuesday is great, but all that change and challenging yourself on top of other changes like becoming an aunt and stress at work, it just might be a bit much. Maybe cut down to every other week or one a month? It’s not worth making yourself ill over!


    • Jackie August 20, 2011 at 10:00 am #

      Cut down Lollipop Tuesdays?! Nonsense! Tuesdays are my biggest hit 🙂

      Seriously though, I’m all right. It was a stressful day and I’ve been truly struggling with my motor skills as of late so it led to this post. I am taking the advice to cut stress, but I just have to figure out what I can cut 🙂 Thank you!


  12. veehcirra August 22, 2011 at 1:04 am #

    we are all dying, with each breath we take we are closer to the grave, take long deep breaths to prolong your days Jackie 🙂


  13. egills August 23, 2011 at 4:02 am #

    I recognise those symptoms very well, hope you manage to get the stress management under control ( and when you do can you pass me a few tipsters please? )


  14. gypsy August 24, 2011 at 9:45 pm #

    Holy cow I am not alone! Thank you Jackie.
    Though growing up I figured my death to be by age 30.. and was told by doctors I would not live to see 20. Well I kicked 40 a few years ago.. and have jumped over the hurdle where I know I will end up living well past when I wish it would long been over.. sigh!
    Your 20 something senility is refreshing as my brains have felt like cooked squash in more recent years.. staring at a toothbrush trying to figure what I am supposed to do with it.. etc.
    So alas.. know you are not alone, and how much I appreciate your confirming I am not alone. I love everything you write, you are the most enjoyable person.. someone I sincerely enjoy reading! Thank you! if only I could enjoy your insanity in person, we surely would be a pair that would baffle the world. Again Thank you!


    • Jackie August 28, 2011 at 1:33 pm #

      Hey, THANKS Gypsy! What a lovely comment you’ve left for me here. I really appreciate it 😀


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