My Doppelganger Dwells in California

25 Aug

I’ve been getting some unwanted emails lately.

As it turns out, out there in the world somewhere – Northern California to be exact – is another Jackie with an email address just one minuscule adjustment away from mine.  So minor, in fact, that the marketers, promoters, and event planners that are trying to send her materials she signed up for don’t notice the minor different and instead email me.

I know this because I once received an email that contained her correct email address in the body and the incorrect address (mine) in the recipient line.

It started out as just one or two emails here and there.  Lately, however, it’s been much more frequent.  It appears that the nice weather brought an onslaught of interest in California Jackie to go to sales, enter promotional contests, and run marathons.

Yes, that’s right: run marathons.

Apparently, California Jackie is a lean, mean, running machine.  She also happens to be an actress – or at least an aspiring one.   I know

this because in addition to her marathon registration confirmation emails, she also receives audition confirmation emails.

I find this interesting because my parents used to live in California.  In fact, they moved back to Pennsylvania right before they had me because they wanted to be closer to family.  My brothers both got to taste the West Coast air, but I was born and bred – and always will be – a country bumpkin.  

California Email Jackie is like a glimpse of what I could have been.  She’s an actress and a runner and involved in community events.  She’s probably got long, beautiful, California hair and a carefree attitude.  She’s probably city-chic and easy-breezy in conversation.  The emails that I get that are meant for her are like mockeries.   Big, fat, tongue-sticking-out mockeries – reminders of what I need to be better at.  A glimpse of what I could have been.

I tried to be a jolly goodfairy and forward her the emails and letting her know that I understand how important it is she receive the information or I wouldn’t attempt to directly email her.  I noted the reason for the mix-up on our email addresses and asked her to emphasize the difference when handing out her email.

I didn’t hear anything back.  Nothing! Just a never-ending slew of emails about races I could be running, trails I could be biking, and auditions I could be getting called back for.  No big deal – just some nagging reminders of where I’m failing in life.   Pudding-like country bumpkin Jackie is unamused by fit, California-chic Jackie.

A glimpse of what could have been. But alas, I can barely swim.

Naturally, I’ve been trying to devise ways to play with this ungrateful doppelganger, but I don’t want to spam her – I just want to find out what she’s falling short of in life and email her related items so she can begin to understand my pain and work harder to distinguish the difference between her email address and mine.   Maybe I can hire a private investigator.  Yeah: that’s the key.  I’ll hire a PI to document her fears, failures, and general shortcomings and then I’ll search the web for the genres that make her feel all desolate inside and slowly but surely get inside her brain. 

Then maybe she’ll see things from my East Coast perspective and send me an email saying she’s sorry and that she’ll change her email address altogether to avoid confusion.  

…Or maybe I should just go run a marathon so I don’t have to feel guilty anymore.

Nah.  The PI plan is far more practical. 

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15 Responses to “My Doppelganger Dwells in California”

  1. Seasweetie August 25, 2011 at 9:10 am #

    There’s nothing worse than a rude doppelganger.

    Like

  2. Ro August 25, 2011 at 9:44 am #

    I’m for plan PI, too.
    Or, you know, you should totally set up, like, bogus email accounts and have emails sent to you (her) saying about how much they LOVED your most recent performance and that they’re really looking forward to the upcoming movie you’ll be co-starring in with some big name A-List hot shot. Then she’ll be like “Damn, she’s getting way better roles than me” and “wow, I should really say something back to her because then we can be BFFs and she can get me in with some big shot director.” And then, once her hopes are up- DENIED!!! “NO!” You will say, “You were a giant butthead and I laugh in the face of your pathedicness and inability to be a polite human!” You may feel bad for an instant, but then you’ll take to heart the knowledge that you just saved some other poor soul from the annoying wrath of the lesser cool Jackie. That’s some good karma.

    Like

    • Missjlouise August 25, 2011 at 10:03 am #

      I love this idea 🙂

      Like

    • Jackie August 28, 2011 at 1:22 pm #

      This plan has won everyone’s hearts. It is the frontrunner in my list of to-dos regarding my doppelganger, who shall soon be no more.

      Like

  3. pleaseshootfrank August 25, 2011 at 9:52 am #

    Feel your pain, i have the very same problem. I collected this guys addresses and telephone numbers and habits, not really knowing what i’d do with it, i’d just quite like him to stop getting our email addresses confused. Terrible. The fact that he likes to sign up for dating sites and clubbing holidays stinks of desperation, i always hoped my doppelganger would be awesome, seriously not the case here!

    Like

  4. pegoleg August 25, 2011 at 9:54 am #

    I’d go one step further. After the PI digs up everything about her, you just bump her off and step into her much more exciting, glamorous life. Nobody will ever notice – it will be like when they switched Darrens in Bewitched!

    Like

    • Jackie August 28, 2011 at 1:21 pm #

      YES. I should have been led to this conclusion. I’m thinking too small. BIG. I need BIG.

      Like

  5. myrun2live August 25, 2011 at 12:00 pm #

    I really like this post and the potential fun that could be had (“Ro”‘s comment). But honestly, the reason I clicked was that I was reminded that I need to look up the definition of doppelganger. Prior to today, I thought it was a “condition”. All that aside. I’m glad I clicked. Have fun.

    Like

    • Jackie August 28, 2011 at 1:21 pm #

      And until I wrote this post, I was reversing the “l” and the “e” in “doppel”. So many lessons were taught today. 😉

      Like

  6. Kristen Fairgrieve August 25, 2011 at 12:19 pm #

    hmm… sounds like that Friends episode where that woman stole Monica’s identity and Monica had to become Monanna. you know the one

    Like

    • Jackie August 28, 2011 at 1:20 pm #

      I love that almost everything in life can be related to an episode of Seinfeld or Friends. Brilliant.

      Like

  7. Jules August 25, 2011 at 12:28 pm #

    Don’t fuss Jackie…Jackie #2 is just operating on CA standard time. Meaning they’ll get back to your email promptly, when they feel like it. 🙂 Because, you know, with all the hussling she’d be doing up there in NorCal, it seems she’s too HELLA busy to respond right away. (Kekeke)

    This doesn’t apply to m of course. I consider myself an exception to CA TIME…

    Like

    • Jackie August 28, 2011 at 1:19 pm #

      Yeah I guess she doesn’t get wireless out on the waves.

      Like

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