Tips for College Success, Lesson 1: Crosswalks

24 Aug

Figure One.

Yesterday  when I was out on my lunch break, Dave and I almost ran over a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, college student because instead of choosing to not cross in front of an oncoming car, she proceeded to slowly cross in front of the car, wincing while she walked.

Because wincing, as we all know, is the all-encompassing shield of protection.

Morons.  Walk when the walk sign is up.  That’s why it’s there.  You see, we should be intelligent enough to know when to cross the street but since we as a human collective fail at this, the government decided to guide us with an enormous, lit sign with a picture of someone walking to indicate when we’re supposed to walk.  It’s very straightforward.  Push button, see light, walk.

Otherwise, I’m allowed to hit you.  I’m allowed to.  Legally.

Actually I’m making that up, but it’s the argument I’m prepared to use in the event of a trial for vehicular manslaughter. Your walking around, staring at your cell phone and listening to your iPod while I’m trying to avoid you and your friends like a sick video game is giving me ulcers.

I wondered how anyone could be so mindless and then it hit me: it was move-in day for the college students.

There are seven universities in the immediate city area alone.  Move-in day is always a chaotic, hot mess. Meters are blocked off, carts are sloppily rolling up and down the sidewalks, parents are spinning in and out of the bookstores clinging to what scraps are left of their wallets while harboring a single, lone tear in the corners of their eyes.  Tables and booths and street vendors and temporary tents pop up overnight.   

Darn.  I was just starting to get excited about the whiff of autumn in the air but soon, I shall be confined to the walls of a prison cell for running over one of these poor, young lads or lasses. 

Come to think of it, I hope that if there’s some terrible accident, blogs aren’t admissible in court.  That would be an awful shame.

Listen: I have an important message.  If you are the parent of a college student, please take the time to teach them how to cross the street all over again.  I know you reviewed it once or twice in the early years, but once out of your grasp, children completely evacuate from their heads everything you’ve told them.  Please use flash cards if necessary.

If you happen to be one of these college students: you are in grave danger.  Every time you walk outside your dorm, apartment, or cardboard box (whichever your parents allowed you based on how terrible you were to them in high school), you are taking a terrible risk.  Please do not leave your place of residence until you call your parents and have them review with you the chapter titled “Standard Road Crossing Procedures” from your childhood.

And if you  happen to be neither of these and are instead find yourself swerving, wiping sweat from your brow, and nursing ulcers instigated by near-fatal experiences, please do everything you can to get this message out. 

Also, I’ll be forming a support group.  Details forthcoming.  ♣

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15 Responses to “Tips for College Success, Lesson 1: Crosswalks”

  1. College & Other Pesky Things August 24, 2011 at 11:20 am #

    I have a friend who was hit by a car (in a cross walk). You have to be so careful as a college student. Even if you are in a crosswalk, look both ways, just in case. Yes, it is technically the drivers responsibility, but no, you do not want to be right in exchange for being hit by a car. LOOK BOTH WAYS. Mommy taught us this, guys.

    Like

    • Sarah August 25, 2011 at 3:41 pm #

      Yes!!! My cousin just started college and she’s just letting the rush of being a college student go to her head!! No one is invincible, ahh the attitude of the young (spoken from someone who is 26) hah =/

      Like

      • Jackie August 28, 2011 at 1:18 pm #

        haha yeeeeah I’m 25 and for a moment wondered if I could really ‘reflect’ on the idea of a college student and separate myself from them. But I decided to take the plunge and do it.

        Like

    • Jackie August 28, 2011 at 1:36 pm #

      how terrible – yes! It would just be so much easier if people would all work together to not kill each other. I’ll look, you look, and together we can save lives 😉

      Like

  2. Jules August 24, 2011 at 1:20 pm #

    She was probably too busy tweeting what she would like to eat for lunch.
    herp derp! o_O

    Like

  3. pegoleg August 24, 2011 at 1:25 pm #

    It seems to be a feature of kids everywhere that they walk, slowly, even when the “die” light is lit, staring right at you as if saying “go ahead, hit me. I dare you!”.

    I wonder if it occurs to these Einsteins that yes, their estate would collect beaucoup $$ from you, but their deadness would hinder their enjoyment of the windfall.

    Like

    • Jackie August 28, 2011 at 1:35 pm #

      I think they’re just hoping for the chance at a broken something-or-other and failing to assess that car+body = death much more often than car+ body =broken limb.

      Like

  4. Samantha August 24, 2011 at 5:08 pm #

    It’s even worse when they just completely bypass the crosswalk and walk out into the middle of the road, in some random section of the road that is incredibly dangerous.

    The worst is when they do this and there is a crosswalk LITERALLY ten feet away.

    Oi.

    Like

    • Jackie August 28, 2011 at 1:34 pm #

      UGH I didn’t even go into that but I definitely should have. I HATE it when they just pop out of absolutely nowhere and walk. It isn’t even an issue of me wanting to hit them then – it’s an issue of simply not being able to see them because THEY’RE SO STUPID.

      Like

  5. Charlie August 24, 2011 at 5:26 pm #

    AMEN.

    Like

  6. Cindy August 29, 2011 at 12:07 pm #

    I participated in a webinar last week where the presenter was mocking the need for 4-part instructions on how to cross the street, posted near an Ivy League university. He thought it might be particular to that university, but then found the same at a second Ivy League school! But apparently it is necessary!!!

    http://img.en25.com/Web/CitrixOnline/082411-G2MC-Wbr-final_U.pdf

    Like

    • Cindy August 29, 2011 at 12:10 pm #

      Page 23

      Like

      • Jackie September 4, 2011 at 3:23 am #

        Thanks! I wish I could have gotten the audio for the whole deal – it’s certainly intriguing.

        Like

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