The Art of Bar Luring

28 Aug

I think I’ve found my calling.

I say this a lot.  My life is really just a series of daydreams regarding million dollar ideas and true callings. I’m searching for the key that will unlock my rich financial future and free me from the grimy chains of corporate America.  

My most recent life calling is being a bar lure.

This is a novel concept that was created last night as I was out at one of Dave’s gigs.   I was seated at the end of the bar, right in front of the stage where he was playing his set.  As part of my new ‘don’t talk to me’ initiative, I brought along my laptop to try to whip out a blog post.  

That’s right: I’ve bypassed the journal idea entirely and gone right to full laptop mode.  I figure I can’t get any more dismissive than having a complete computer set up with the dull, blue glow on my face to highlight my apathy.

But as it turned out, my drink choices garnered some unwanted attention.  The first was a bright blue cup of fun.   It was basically glorified jungle juice but the folks at the bar were  attracted to its neon blue glow and inquired with the bartender to copy my order.   After I established my position as a trendsetter, I asked the bartender for something chocolatey.  It manifested itself as a glass of Bailey’s on ice, garnished with a whopping pile of spiraled whipped cream, chocolate syrup, and a cherry on top.  

It was an adult milkshake and it caused quite a stir.

And therein I found my life’s calling.  It occurred to me that I could work out something with the bartender where I could go in once a week on his busiest night, ordered absolutely ridiculous, eye-catching drinks, and get folks excited about doing the same based on the look of elation on my face as I suck them down.

He could rake in thousands, I could take a cut, and I could pay my bills by writing my blog and having a drink.  It’s brilliant!

Maybe I could even do cool tricks. Breathing fire is pretty darn attention-getting.

In fact, I could even attempt to be sociable and look like I’m having a good time.  Maybe that would prompt other patrons to do the same and really set the mood for the joint.

I made an attempt at this last night.  Two gentlemen came in off the street looking to rest their feet and grab a beer and we struck up a decent conversation wherein they seemed they might order extra drinks as a result of finding a friendly face.  But as it turns out, they were more interested in me being a friendly female face than just a friendly face.  And within a matter of minutes, the conversation had turned sour and they made their ways to the door.

I couldn’t help it: one of them called me sweetheart.

I’m sorry, but I don’t care what you look like, what you do for a living, or how good of conversationalist you are.  If you call me sweetheart, I don’t want anything to do with you.  And it isn’t even because I’m offended (which I am).  It’s more so the fact that I don’t want anything to do with someone who calls a girl they’ve only talked to for 5 minutes “sweetheart” casually. 

It’s not even a pick up line.  It’s just lazy.   And it assumes things of me.

I wasn’t even rude about it.  They called me sweetheart and I said please don’t call me sweetheart.  I wasn’t a jerkface, I didn’t go off on a big don’t-call-me-toots monologue– I just said please don’t call me sweetheart.   It wasn’t anything to go verbally breaking down and running away over.

 But they did.

And so the customers I gained, I immediately lost and proved to the bartender that perhaps a customer at the end of the bar ordering interesting-looking drinks would be good for business if she didn’t have such a snarky mouth attached to her that drives away as many people as it attracts.  I guess I broke even on the life calling thing and it’s back to the drawing board.

It shouldn’t take me long to whip up another; I’ll keep you posted.  And one day, I shall prevail. 

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12 Responses to “The Art of Bar Luring”

  1. pegoleg August 28, 2011 at 1:44 pm #

    From the picture, I thought your new life calling was being a fire-breathing dragon instead of the princess waiting to be rescued. Now THAT would be striking a blow for feminism, sweetheart.

    Like

  2. Jules August 28, 2011 at 2:03 pm #

    There you go! That’s a totally great idea. You can breathe fire on people to scare them away. I bet it’s much more effective than the laptop-apathetic-dealyo.

    Like

  3. k8edid August 28, 2011 at 2:17 pm #

    I’ll have what she’s having.

    Like

    • Jackie September 4, 2011 at 3:28 am #

      You know, throwing in a little Meg Ryan would probably help close those sales 😉

      Like

  4. misswhiplash August 28, 2011 at 3:49 pm #

    Quite right too Jackie1 For a woman to be called ‘sweetheart’ by a complete stranger is degrading to the female sex. Only your nearest and dearest should call you that and if mine did that anyway..I would think that he was talking to someone other than me

    Like

  5. Jason August 28, 2011 at 3:51 pm #

    I was at a gas station the other day and some kid is at the counter with head phones on. When he wasn’t reciting the lewdest rhymes from thr rap song he was listening to, he’d call the cashier names like baby, honey and sexy. The only thing the poor girl could do was be friendly. I don’t understand why some guys think they have the right to use these offensive pet names.

    Like

    • Jackie September 4, 2011 at 3:28 am #

      you should have been all ‘let me sweep you off your feet and tell this hooligan to show some respect’.

      I’m sure that’s a charmer 😉

      Like

  6. gypsy August 28, 2011 at 3:59 pm #

    Ahh yes this is my problem too.. I can fascinate people, draw them in.. and quickly make them run screaming for the door.. it is a gift, a talent.. a rare skill!

    Like

    • Jackie September 4, 2011 at 3:27 am #

      Awesome – it’s nice to see a kindred spirit 😉

      Like

  7. Samantha August 29, 2011 at 1:59 am #

    This is awesome.

    And I really don’t blame you on the sweetheart thing. It at least hints at not-so-innocent intentions. I had a guy tell me “love ya” because I play video games the other day.

    No you don’t. Now get out of my face.

    Like

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