An Appeal to Foodmakers Everywhere

29 Aug

I’ve recently made a disturbing observation about myself: every morning the only reason I get out of bed is Golden Grahams.

Yeah, I eat Golden Grahams.

Listen:it’s a delicious cereal.  They’re not at all nutritious, I know.  But when I’m comfortable and warm and sucking the luscious nectar of sleep each morning, the force that pulls me from my sheets is not the promise of a paycheck, the throbbing annoyance of an alarm clock, or the urge to be productive.

It’s those beautiful, sugar-coated honey-flavored cardboard squares.

I can’t help it; it appears my entire life is driven by food.  In the morning, I wake up for cereal.  At work, I fantasize about what I’ll eat for lunch.  At the end of the day, I think about how awesome dinner is going to be.   Last night after a 12-hour shoot, I got super excited about a pepperoni roll that I got at a farmer’s market on Friday and intentionally wrapped in foil and put in the freezer in order to prepare for such an occasion. 

I’ve only just recently recognized this trend and so I have only just recently realized how this is probably not the best way to live my life.  Food is my only motivator.  Food is literally the reason I get out of bed in the morning.  I fixate on it, I daydream about it, and I am only really in ecstasy when I’m in the process of chewing. 

Think about that.  

It’s a wonder I’m not a thousand pounds.  One thousand.  You know, I saw a lady the other day who had to turn sideways to fit into the door of an establishment.  

It was a food establishment.

When I realized that my entire life is spent looking forward to the next time I can eat something incredibly delicious, I thought of this woman and her door dilemma.  Every day she has to deal with the fact that she can’t fit through a door, go on an airplane, fit in a theater seat…heck, she probably has to turn sideways to scoot down small grocery store aisles.  But it’s okay because in between those inconveniences, she’s chewing in ecstasy. And listen – I want to make it clear that I’m not making fun of her.  I’m not.  Because I understand how delicious food is and no matter how times I get into my skinny jeans, a burger will bring me right back to square one every time.  And there’s no guarantee that I won’t eventually be as large as the woman I recall, who struggles to complete routine tasks.

It’s clear that I can’t just stop eating good food.  That never works.  I’ve abstained from deliciousness for exactly three weeks but no longer.  And a mere three days of delicious indulgence can counteract three weeks of healthy eating.  Sad, but true.  

I am Sisyphus, and a fatness is my rock.

So this is my appeal to foodmakers everywhere:  

Please stop making food so delectable.  I know I like it and I beg for it all the time, but you’ve gotta believe me: I want to be able to still fit through doors when I grow up.  Like, regular doors.  Not supersized American doors that will no doubt have to be considered in new architecture plans  because we’re all super fatty fats. So please make healthy food.  Let’s just get rid of all the bad stuff.  If I have no delicious options, I will eventually have no option but to eat boring, healthy food – which will eventually result in my skinniness. 

And don’t pretend that delicious food that is also healthy exists.  It’s not true.  It’s not.

So let’s just do a mass exodus of all yumminess so that next summer I can finally go swimming.  I missed out again this year because it appears that the only swimwear that covers my problem areas is a scuba suit and it’s really just too tight to be flattering.

Okay, so thanks for the consideration.  I really appreciate it.

Puppies and Sprinkles,

Soon-to-be-skinny Jackie 




16 Responses to “An Appeal to Foodmakers Everywhere”

  1. realfunfood August 29, 2011 at 9:51 am #

    I feel the same way! I started a food blog so I could talk about food and share my obsessive food thoughts 🙂


    • Jackie September 4, 2011 at 3:24 am #

      ah, maybe that’s the ticket 😉 maybe I should just convert to a food blog as therapy.


  2. pegoleg August 29, 2011 at 10:30 am #

    My mother-in-law has Teddy Grahams for breakfast. Same thing as Golden Grahams, except in adorable teddy bear shapes.

    I want to sign that petition about food being too yummy. Why can’t celery sticks taste better than cheesecake? Why, God, why?


    • Jackie September 4, 2011 at 3:23 am #

      does she have them dry or does she put them in milk? the possibilities abound!


  3. Jules August 29, 2011 at 1:22 pm #

    Are you still running? Doing consistent, aerobic exercise is a huge key to slimming down, but it seems you don’t devote time to it anymore. You know what I gave up to get into an active lifestyle? Gaming… lots of it. I still play, but if my old self could see me how, he would laugh and think how “casual” I am.

    Regarding the food dilemma…
    Processed foods mess with our brain. The scientists at General Mills know this and they tailor their recipes with chemicals that alter food reward in your noggin. That’s why you crave what you crave and eat what you eat. I realize that eating more wholesome foods takes time to prepare and usually cost more than buying pre-packaged convenient food. This is the part where willpower and commitment needs to happen. It’s okay to enjoy junk-food occasionally, but the bulk of diet needs to be good food. What ever happened to that cleansing deal-io you were planning on doing?


  4. mistressofpoetry August 29, 2011 at 1:37 pm #

    I understand your dilemma, Jackie. Although my problem, aside from my occasional need for chocolate and the fact that my kids influence my eating habits at times, is that I just don’t always have the money for healthy foods. Have you noticed how much cheaper it is to eat unhealthy? What I’d give for a bowl of cherries a day. And then fruit with lunch and dinner. And then salmon and asparagus for lunch, or some other healthy feast I can dress up. Did you know that if you bake your asparagus after you drizzle it in olive oil and sprinkle it with spice, you can practically eat them like french fries? You could try out some healthy recipes and techniques and see if you learn to prefer those good, healthy foods at least more often and cut down on the number of days you want a burger. 🙂 Worth a try anyways. Good luck, Jackie! I’ll be rooting for you from my own struggles with food.


    • Jackie September 4, 2011 at 3:21 am #

      oh man – I dont know about asparagus being likened to french fries but I suppose it’s worth a shot 😉

      and I hear ya with the money points. a cart of healthy food is so much more expensive than cheap, fast, junk food.


  5. misswhiplash August 29, 2011 at 2:14 pm #

    with me it is crispbread with marmarlade that gets me out of bed…
    Food is important but only as a means of surviving..You Can Live too Eat or Eat to live. I prefer the last one.
    My only real temptations are Fish’n Chips and LIdyl’s Swiss Chocolate Roll

    As I cannot get decent Fish n chips here in BG that is safe and as the shop only has Choc Swiss roll once a month then that is also regulated

    best of luck Jackie


    • Jackie September 4, 2011 at 3:19 am #

      ah – eat to live. perhaps I shall try that as a mantra until I get control.

      And I saw that swiss roll on your blog. MONSTROUS.


  6. mctell2 August 29, 2011 at 9:38 pm #

    Really good post. I felt compelled to mention, ” over the past year for me food or eating is just another part of my daily life”. Not a denial, or a necessity…but just for now as much or less as brushing my teeth or coffee with the early morning news. A year or two ago food was nothing more than something to do cause I was I think suppose to eat. Life changes, and then it changes again and again. Keep it up with the 365. William


    • Jackie September 4, 2011 at 3:18 am #

      I hope I can get to the point where food is just something I do because I need to and not something I do because It’s so delicious I can’t wait until the next time I see it 🙂


  7. gypsy August 29, 2011 at 10:14 pm #

    Humm.. your wish for tasty food to vanish, to no long be made.. well you can tuck that one away. That is parallel to those wishing to remove all weapons.. once you can’t unlearn something, the technology is there.

    As with food.. we know how to make those yummy things, take them off the shelf, but we can still make them, destroy the plant & kill off those who know the secrets.. we can still figure out the recipe.

    Alas the yummy wishes.. well for me I would be content with food in pill form, but that option does not exist yet. I just need to battle my lazy moments that prevents me from working out (today was one of those annoying days).

    Alas.. I wish you the power to fight Golden Grahams.. and all its evil sweet comrads..


    • Jackie September 4, 2011 at 3:17 am #

      thanks for the good wishes. they really do help me get out of bed in the morning. perhaps I shall try to muster up a love of yogurt and granola as a replacement.


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