Farewell, My Jedi Baby

8 Sep
I’m feeling quite terribly about the fact that my post today was an ode to a post I wrote and then deleted.
 
I feel like you’ve been robbed of a post.  I know I do.  So allow me to repost an oldie, but a goodie, from back in the days before my 365 Project, when I simply updated when I felt I had something to talk about.  And the day Mark Hammill came to my school definitely qualified.
 
Disclaimer: I was a little more… shall I say…liberal with my word choice back then.  Enjoy.

Farewell, My Jedi Baby

I met Luke Skywalker today.
 
Yeah, Luke Skywalker.  Not even Mark Hamill.  It was just straight-up Luke Skywalker all like “Hey, Jackie; I’m Luke Skywalker.  Let me impregnate you.”
 
Let’s get something straight.  I wouldn’t do Luke Skywalker.  One, I don’t go for blondes.  Two, I’d be self-conscious of my inability to rock his world in bed since I don’t have this whole “force” thing down.  Lord only knows what the man could accomplish with his mind.  I can’t compete with that and quite frankly, I have no interest for the toll it would take on my mental health to know that I had a chance to go at it with a Jedi and he was ultimately displeased.
 
Not to mention he’d probably make me wear his sister’s golden bikini and dog collar accessories and I simply couldn’t

This image belongs to Star Wars and folks. Unfortunately, it's from back in the day that I didn't realize I had to credit people for their images. Silly Jackie.

 handle him going all Jabba the Hut on me in bed.  I’m down with role-playing, but I have my limits.  A big gargling tub of poo with a domination complex is where I draw the line.  Yeah, I know; my bar is set pretty low.

 
Nonetheless, I will admit; when I was standing not 15 feet away from the man who saved the galaxy, I wondered if I could overcome all this if it meant I would give birth to a metachlorian-charged Jedi baby. 
 
I thought of all the benefits my Jedi baby could bring to the family: quick cooking, easy clean-up, direct access to Yoda and Samuel L. Jackson, and the ability to let me know when all is not well with the force.  Because sometimes I wonder, you know?
 
Then he started to talk about his kids.  Turns out Luke Skywalker has babies.  Three of them.  Except they don’t sound like Jedis at all.  One buys a lot of clothes and only votes so she stays in Luke’s will, one is a comic book artist, and the other, um, I spaced out for.  Cuz I was thinking of his metachlorian-charged sperm.
 
Then I realized; maybe he married the wrong woman.  Is it possible that Luke Skywalker wasted his incredible Jedi jizz on a female counterpart who is unable to supply him with Jedi babies?
 
It became alarmingly apparent that I had to save the Jedi race.  Yes, it was up to me.
 
Unfortunately, I was unwilling to submit to his roleplaying necessities or to the fact that he’s a blonde.  I don’t care if he’s the New Hope; I have a type and I stick to it.  End of story.  So there was only one thing to do; steal Luke Skywalker’s sperm.
 
As I was devising some sort of Dr. Evil-esque way to steal Skywalker’s mojo, I began to tune back into reality.  Suddenly, it became apparent to me that the man in front of me was not Luke Skywalker at all.  It was Mark Hamill.  I know this because Mark Hamill mistook an X-wing for a tie fighter, Cloud City for the Death Star, and kept referring to his stage weaponry as a “gatling gun.” Plus, he didn’t move anything with his mind.  Not once.
 
So here I am, working out the details of Operation: Jedi Baby and he’s fumbling over the most rudimentary chapters of the Star Wars Nerd Encyclopedia.  
 
I guess somewhere underneath it all I expected him to be a nerd, too.  I mean, if I know all about Luke Skywalker, shouldn’t Luke Skywalker know all about Luke Skywalker?
 
It figures.
 
I’ve waited my whole life to get a hold of some metachlorian sperm and the moment it’s within my grasp, it all falls apart. All I wanted was a Jedi Baby.  Was that really too much to ask? I wouldn’t have even made him pay child support.
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16 Responses to “Farewell, My Jedi Baby”

  1. Jules September 8, 2011 at 4:05 pm #

    Wooooow. Liberal indeed Jackie. As long a you understand the truth of the interwebs. What ever you put on the net, stays on the net, whether you like it or not.

    Like

    • Jackie September 8, 2011 at 4:08 pm #

      Wait. What?! 😛

      I warned you. And it’s been on here all along – just buried in the archives. I had a very different… style… back then 😉

      Like

  2. mahra September 8, 2011 at 4:44 pm #

    Pure brilliance. I’m glad you reposted it. I too have struggled with what to say and not say online…first on facebook and then in my blog. I ultimately decided to write what I want. It’s quite liberating to be yourself…as you sound like you know. I myself am a Han Solo girl through and through. Ever since I saw the first Star Wars movie made…in the theater… I have lusted after Han. BUT I never thought about the force. You bring up a good point. The things a Jedi could do with the force in bed must be great, but I don’t think it would have anything on lust and just being yourself in bed. Another good place to be yourself. Have I said too much? If I had a nickel for everytime I’ve asked myself that question… 🙂

    Like

    • Jackie September 13, 2011 at 8:21 pm #

      LOL I love the stream of consciousness. Thanks for sharing 🙂

      I wish I could be a little more liberal with my word choice like I was back in the day. But now that I’ve wised up about folks browsing archives and making assumptions about my character, I’ve decided to try to keep it relatively clean, relatively positive, and hopefully somewhat entertaining.

      People will hold against you what they want, I suppose – but I must admit that I worry about how employable I am with posts such as this 😉

      Like

  3. pegoleg September 8, 2011 at 5:32 pm #

    Back before you decided to actively court the mom demographic, hmm?

    What I can’t get over is that Carrie Fisher is now pushing some weight-loss program on TV, and must be using somebody else’s face, body and especially voice. I wouldn’t believe it was her if they didn’t keep telling us her name.

    Like

    • Jackie September 13, 2011 at 8:18 pm #

      Yes, Peg. Yes. I was worried what you might say 😛

      I like to think of Carrie in Star Wars and When Harry Met Sally. That is all.

      Like

  4. thesinglecell September 8, 2011 at 5:57 pm #

    I freaking LOVE this. I was laughing out loud the whole time. I used to have a thing for Luke Skywalker (before I grew up and realized Han Solo was totally hotter) and I don’t care a whit about your liberal word choices. In fact, I think that’s totally what made the post. Now I want to watch Star Wars. Thanks for the laugh. I needed it.

    Like

    • Jackie September 13, 2011 at 8:15 pm #

      It’s true – Han is SO much hotter. Not Harrison, Han. Just want to be clear. Thanks so much for giving the ‘colorful’ word choices a chance 😉

      And yes – go watch Star Wars. It’s always a good idea.

      Like

  5. mctell2 September 8, 2011 at 8:44 pm #

    A bit randy ………..lol. But since you included a great photo of his …dang, it’s my sister…I vote an A+++. And PS…..thanks for taking me out of the galaxy of today and some where else in time & space…….I’m in till you got all 365.

    Like

    • Jackie September 13, 2011 at 8:14 pm #

      Thanks so much, Tell! I appreciate you being in for the long haul.

      Hot sis, btw. 😉

      Like

  6. Sonja September 9, 2011 at 8:20 am #

    Oh this made me chuckle!! I, too, like both styles. There is something about being able to say what you want with the words you want. My opinion has been, if the person reading doesn’t like my word choice, they are free to read elsewhere.

    Excellent post Jackie! May the {ahem} force be with you!!

    Like

    • Jackie September 13, 2011 at 8:12 pm #

      Thanks Sonja 😀 I appreciate you being open to a more…um…’liberated’ style of writing. 🙂

      Like

  7. Bridgesburning Chris King September 9, 2011 at 3:53 pm #

    It’s too bad about Mark Hamill..but you are ready for the real thing should he ever come along..how about a storm trooper?

    Like

    • Jackie September 13, 2011 at 8:05 pm #

      Why, I NEVER. I couldn’t possibly be with a Storm Trooper. I’d ruin my chances with a Jedi forever. They’d sense that I’d been with the dark side.

      Like

  8. The_Observationalist_NYC September 12, 2011 at 8:33 pm #

    I didn’t like this; I loved it. Your personality has always shone through. Great post.

    Like

    • Jackie September 13, 2011 at 7:37 pm #

      Thanks, Obs 🙂 I was pretty wary to share since it’s so much more… um… ‘colorful’. Glad you enjoyed it!

      Like

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