The Pie Plot Thickens

14 Sep

My apartment has been overrun by pie.

For those of you just tuning in, I’m at war with Dave.  A few Tuesdays ago, I made a genuine attempt to craft an apple pie from naught but the loins of the earth and tragically failed.  I ended up with a miserable lump of doughy fruit that promptly got ignored like a red-headed stepchild and thrown in the garbage.

It was a hard day.

I came home the following evening to the warm, enraging smell of an apple pie in the oven.  Dave was one-upping me.  He saw my pie and raised me a better pie.  A tasty one.  Actually, an incredibly delicious one.

It was a brief war, as I had no tolerance for his flippant pie baking and decided that if he wanted to be the head pastry chef, he could go right ahead and be such.  After all, there’s nothing that makes my blood boil quite like rolling out pie dough.  And it’d be nice to ask him to whip up a pie for special occasions, host gifts, and celebrations of all kinds.

Expecting it to be a quickly satiated passion, I left Dave to his own devices – but he was not so swiftly stifled.

First there was an apple peeler.  Then official lard (as opposed to shortening) for the crust.  There’s just an enormous tub of lard sitting in my fridge at all times.  Do you know that today he looked up what the best kind of lard was and concluded it was lard made from kidney fat?!  Absolutely revolting.  And apples by the bundle.  They’re everywhere.  I have nightmares of hallways of Granny Smith apples rolling at me like a tidal wave.  I run and run, but I can’t ever get far enough from their reach.

Dave is making pies so often that he’s moved everything off the kitchen counter and asked if the flour can just stay there over night because “he’s just going to get it out and do the same thing tomorrow”.  

He says cutting apples is meditative.

So I mean, here it is.  This is it.  Dave is clearly my cash cow.   I think it’s time I really buck up and admit this is the moneymaker.  We’ll put a nice zen spin on it since it all centers his chi so fantastically well.  I’ll have a little cartoon of him drawn all goofy and seated in meditation with a little pastry chef hat balancing on his head.  We’ll call them Zen Pies and we’ll make millions.

Or maybe just a few hundred at some Farmers Markets.  

But I imagine my chi will be slightly more centered with an apartment that reeks of pastries and a wallet with a little more wiggle room.

This, boys and girls, is my million dollar thousand dollar idea. ♣

Notice the orchid and fall decorations – both featured in posts of their own. Proof, ladies and gentlemen, that I am a real human being with real posts and a real struggling orchid.

13 Responses to “The Pie Plot Thickens”

  1. lunarmoth September 14, 2011 at 11:19 am #

    I think you should definitely make the most (i.e. $$$) of his obsession with apple pies! Does he do any other kind or just apple? Too bad you can’t sell pies from your blog! (or can you?)
    Personally, I hated my ex-husband’s one-upmanship with regard to cooking & baking, but the fact was that he was good at it and I wasn’t. Being brought up “old school,” I had to remind myself that it didn’t mean I was a failure as a woman. LOL, as if!


    • Jackie September 15, 2011 at 12:55 am #

      I could, but there’s the shipping concern… 😉

      I have to admit I was pretty devastated when I came home to his perfect pie the first time. There was crying. Real human tears.


  2. pegoleg September 14, 2011 at 12:03 pm #

    Jeez, Jackie, that photo looks likea cover shot for Country Woman! Congrats to Dave on his new thing. Cupcakes are all the rage now, but I think that ship has sailed. Time for Dave’s Zen Pie Shops coast to coast.


    • Jackie September 15, 2011 at 12:53 am #

      Pies are much more patriotic. Also, holiday-friendly. It’s an epic plan.


  3. Renee Mason September 14, 2011 at 2:38 pm #

    The pie might fly, but I’m still a fan of the doggie amusement park idea!


    • Jackie September 15, 2011 at 12:52 am #

      SO AM I! Where’s my start-up money? I really hoped some wealthy benefactor would mail me a check and a good luck note.


  4. Seasweetie September 14, 2011 at 3:15 pm #

    May I humbly suggest to Dave that instead of the traditional cross-shaped steam vent in the center of the pie, that he craft something that represents this “zen”? Maybe a little yin/yang symbol?


  5. Momma September 14, 2011 at 5:03 pm #

    You’ve got my vote. I’ll even order one now for Thanksgiving……lol Bring it on and promote that man.


    • Jackie September 15, 2011 at 12:51 am #

      I don’t think I’m allowed to charge you for things because I still owe you rent on your uterus.


  6. thesinglecell September 14, 2011 at 9:19 pm #

    I’m pretty sure Peg just suggested you’re living with Country Woman.


  7. egills September 16, 2011 at 11:00 am #

    Ok so now you need to try and make a chicken or steak pie, various stews and lasagne – fail miserably and let him bake away in his own happy world – note a large freezer is needed for this type of person….. you’ll never have to eat takeaway again as long as you think up evening meals before you leave for work.
    ( sadly that is what I do ).


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