I'm suspicious of the universe. ...This is not me. This is a guy in a park making a face that I appreciate. Takeaway: I am not a middle-aged man.
I think the universe has subscribed to my blog.
I’m not really sure which username it’s under, but it’s becoming exceedingly obvious that I am being stalked. And I’m totally down with it.
You see, it appears that when I pull something from my brain, ball it up into a post of rage, and throw it out into the world, it is answered. Answered! I know you don’t believe me. And that’s totally coolio because I have proof thanks to this handy dandy postaday blog.
Behold the proof:
Exhibit A: I once wrote a post about how I was upset that my favorite ice cream place in the entire city had been replaced by a cryptic sign that said “Coming Soon! Chica Loca Taco!”. I mourned the loss of a fantastic and popular shop and demeaned the stupidly named store that was replacing it, as if Chica Loca Tacos had something to do with it. It’s a classic illogical blame switch, courtesy of my brain (you’re welcome). Shortly thereafter, my favorite ice cream store responded with a comment on my blog that they were moving across town. And as if that were not enough, my first visit to the shop of deliciousness revealed plans for an authentic pizzeria by the same company name right beside the ice cream stand.
Coincidence? I think not. This was clearly an example of specified marketing based on social media.
Specifically, my social media.
Exhibit B: I don’t like work. Like most people, I’d rather be home in my pajamas, sleeping way too long, making and/or eating excellent food, and watching things that I find to be entertaining. I’d rather be with family and friends and animals. I’d rather be walking around the middle of the woods pondering the meaning of life. I’d rather be doing oh-I-don’t-know anything other than working. It’s the plight of the human condition, apparently. At any rate the universe heard me. And on a day when I really wanted to be doing anything other than finishing out the second half of my day, it was announced that our building had to kick over to emergency generators and that I would not be able to work. I was sent home. Essentially through the power of wishful thinking, I got an Adult Snow Day. It was beautiful.
And behold Exhibit C, the most recent development in the case of of universe-stalking-Jackie’s-brain: A Dyson vacuum. That’s right: A Dyson vacuum. After dedicating an entire post to my frustration with my vacuum, which clogs so easily with dust and cat hair in its fifteen-foot-long hose that it takes an entire hour and a half to effectively suck even half the grit out of my carpet, there rained down a Woot from Heaven in my favor.
For those of you unfamiliar, woot.com is a website that features a ridiculously awesome daily deal. Sometimes it’s on something you find useful and sometimes it’s on something that’s totally useless but totally cool. And yesterday one of my readers (after having read my post of anger and disgust) notified me that the woot.com product of the day was a Dyson vacuum, which regularly retailed for about 500 smackos and was featured on the site for an absurdly low price. Absurdly low. Almost heart-attack-inducing. And in less than two weeks, I will have a beautiful Dyson cuddled up in my closet after using it to put a hurting on my carpet and then breathing the fresh, clean, cat-hair-and-dander free air in my apartment.
Maybe I won’t wake up with congestion anymore.
Perhaps I shouldn’t get my hopes up.
Regardless, I got about 15 responses through Twitter, Facebook, the blog, and my cell phone telling me that I should hands-down get a Dyson as soon as it’s humanly possible. And yesterday, the universe made it possible. It’s stalking me. And you know, I really don’t mind. The blogosphere is a strange and powerful force.
I think three exhibits are enough. I’m not really sure how many I have to submit or who my jury is, but I can’t imagine what other evidence you could possibly need to conclude that my blog is a universe-changer.
That’s right: A Universe-Changer. Here’s to pizza and ice cream in the same store, free ‘snow days’, and vacuums that don’t suck. Or rather, do suck. In fact, I hear this particular kind doesn’t stop sucking.
Thanks, universe: you’re the best stalker ever.♣
The Jackie Blog 
Great stuff..once you have had a Dyson you will never want any other.
e well
You will never have another Ham and Cat hair sandwich! all will be well
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Oh man it’s a good thing because i’m tired of those sandwiches.
And mashed cat hair potatoes.
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But… yesterday was a Wootoff! So, the Dyson was one of MANY daily deals. Not only did you get it, but you got it within the 30-45 minute timespan it was available.
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I’m so glad I didn’t realize that in the moment or I would have been FREAKING OUT with the time constraint. Seriously. So glad.
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That’s why I e-mailed AND texted AND offered to get it for you if you couldn’t get to a computer in time!
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I had no idea it was of such immediate need. Thank you so much! 🙂
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I just thought you were thorough… 😉
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Since you and the Universe are such good buds now, would you mind asking the Universe to stop by and fix the pocket door in my bathroom so I don’t keep stubbing my toe on it?
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okay but only after you tell me what a pocket door is.
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LOL! That is so very cool. Since you now have a direct line to the universe, could you tell it to subscribe to me too?
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well to be honest, I have a lot of requests and I’m not sure how to sort out who should get the hookup and who can’t or who should go first, etc. If you can draft me a good written, comprehensive procedure I’ll bump you to the front.
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Amazing 🙂 The Universe to you sounds a lot like what God is to me 🙂
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I wanted to attribute these things to God – and I’m certainly thankful to him for them. But when I wrote the post that way, it made it seem like I was referring to him as a granter of wishes – which I despise. So to avoid publicizing something that could be taken entirely the wrong way, I decided to go with Universe on the blog but thank God in my heart for being the provider of all things 🙂
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I love your mind 🙂
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What a sexy compliment 😉
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That’s a strange coincidence. Acquired a $96 off coupon last week on a Dyson DC 24 Animal, which just arrived yesterday. After just one use, I can tell you all other vacuum manufacturers should just close up shop and get the hell out of Dodge. This baby sucks so hard, that when I put my hand underneath the rotating head to test the suction, it almost performed a handectomy! You will love it!
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oh man. I’M SO EXCITED RENEE. I really hope I can recreate the fear of a handectomy.
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you must have good blogging karma!
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so it seems. I’m so excited to get my Dyson delivered that I could just pee my pants all over.
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I do believe Jackie has discovered crowd sourcing. 😉 grats
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nerrrrrrrrd 😛
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You really should not have outed yourself as the Universe’s bestie. Now it’s going to be like you won the lottery; people are going to be hitting you up for favors. Can you ask Uni about my job search? Or the check engine light on my car? Or men? Thanks.
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Okay. But I think the Check Engine light means check your engine. That’s the universe in direct contact, I think.
I’ve got a lot of things to plea for on others’ behalves. I should have considered the consequences of my actions.
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Turns out the check engine light monitors no fewer than 120 vehicular functions. I was just curious as to which one it was this time, but I know now. I promise I won’t ask you to ask the universe for things I can figure out by going to the car shop. 🙂
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120?! Wait. Wait. 120 DIFFERENT Functions?!
It shouldn’t say check engine. It should just like up and say “Hey – something’s wrong”.
Thanks for teaching me something new 😉
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You must have good karma, or little elves that just want to make life easier for you. If you ever meet these elves send them my way I could always use just a dose of karmic or elfish good fortune.
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Okay but only one. I need the rest. For…things.
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great blog today….especially love the “Woot from Heaven”..lol
best regards 🙂
BWhite
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Thanks, B! I really appreciate you reading.
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Wow. I wish *I* had a Universe Stalker. -pout-
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Aw, Em you can borrow mine for a little bit if you want. I mean – I don’t know if I have any command over it but I feel like I’ve gotten enough.
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I find shirt.woot.com quite enjoyable and I love the good deals on unique shirts. I had no knowledge of woot.com. Another website to add to the ones I check daily.
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We traded websites. Win.
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Do you think the Universe reads your blog comments, too? If so, I would like to mention that I am in dire need of new flooring in my house. And a million dollars. I know it’s cliche, but what the heck…
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It’s a subscriber, Meant – not a genie.
But if you come into some money, I’ll take a suggester’s fee.
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