Public Enemy Number One: Corn Mazes

12 Oct

Yesterday I lost a little more faith in the human race.

Unfortunately I’m not referring to the college student who ran out in front of the car while I was driving, pretending as if putting his arms up and not making eye contact doubled as a human shield.  Though it comes as another close runner up, I’m also not referring to last evening when I watched Red Riding Hood.

Why did I do that?

No, I’m referring to something much, much sadder.  Something that lowers my intelligence quotient just hearing about it.  And now I’m going to do the same to you in order to even the score.  I’m sorry it has to be this way.

Yesterday, a family called 911 because they got lost in a corn maze. 

You’ve read it.  You can’t unread it.  

Picture it: you go out with your family to a corn maze for a little bit of autumn fun.  Thousands of people come from all over every year to cherish the wonders of the corn.  This year you finally decide to make it out.  But after you pay your entrance fee, you’re twenty minutes into the maze and have no hope for finding an exit.  It’s been at least five minutes since you saw that kid with the strange blue goop all over his cheeks who keeps staring at you like he knows something.  And then it hits you: you might never get out of here.  You could spend your life here, looking for the exit.   And though that would be okay for you – you’d make do with gnawing on the corn and then fashioning yourself a hut of husks, but wait.  What about your baby?

None of that was actually in the story.  Just the concern for the baby.  

I have a lot of questions, some many of which may never be answered.  

Now, I know you may be struggling with this.  You could be shocked that corn mazes pose such a current and real threat to our society.   You could still be wondering what kind of puree could be made out of the corn and mixed with breast milk to keep a small baby alive in such a dire situation. Or maybe you’re just  cradling yourself and rocking back and forth as you think about the tax dollars that were wasted in this and of the resources that went down the drain to make it a national headline.

Personally, I’m saddened by the watering down of our intelligence over the course of time.  This poor family is just a product of our terrible stupidity breeding with itself.  

Do America a favor, folks.  Watch this video.  Then go find your kids/parents/siblings/pets and force them to listen to you read an entry from the Encyclopedia Britannica.    

Your country will thank you. 


20 Responses to “Public Enemy Number One: Corn Mazes”

  1. pegoleg October 12, 2011 at 10:00 am #

    “stupidity breeding itself” is right. I wonder why the reporter didn’t interview the Einstein family – I’d like to have a face to put with the name of “idiot”.


    • Jackie October 13, 2011 at 8:02 pm #

      I’m sure they’re hiding in their homes, humiliated that this became a national headline.


      • pegoleg October 14, 2011 at 9:54 am #

        Huddled with their lawyer in negotiations for their own reality show, you mean. C’mon – this is the age when every idiot gets a show!


        • Jackie October 19, 2011 at 10:51 pm #

          Why don’t we have shows then? 😦 Can we have shows?


  2. wtfhappenedtomyreallife October 12, 2011 at 10:07 am #

    Oh wow. I honestly don’t know what to say other than wow.

    Now granted I did take my hubby to a corn maze the year before last. And it had been raining. And it was muddy beyond anything muddy I have been in before. And it was slippery and hard to walk in. And we did get lost. And it was cold. And there were ghoulies jumping out at us….but never did I ever think of calling 911.

    After all, so long as you can see stars or the sun or even hear other people, then you are really not that lost. Our maze was only 5 acres. Maybe they got so lost they got into a neighboring corn field and could no longer hear people….Surely they could not have been that stupid….well….they did call 911 to get out of a maze that other people were in and could have helped them out of.



    • Jackie October 13, 2011 at 8:01 pm #


      *deep breathing*


      • wtfhappenedtomyreallife October 14, 2011 at 9:52 am #

        I found the story about them and read it after I commented. All I can say is wow.

        Ok actually I can say more. Why would they not call the business office of the tourist farm that they were AT instead of calling 911. Seriously, if the police could get ahold of the manager I am sure they could have too. And if they did not have the number, they have a cell phone. Call someone and ask them to look it up if they are too cheap to use the internet on their phone.

        These kind of people really piss me off. These stupid motherf’ers get to have babies when there are a lot of really good intelligent people out there who cannot. I say we just take the baby and let them grow up with one of the smart couples out there that want babies and can’t…then we take these fucknuts back out into a maze, confiscate their phones and let them destroy themselves.

        But that is just me.


        • Jackie October 19, 2011 at 10:52 pm #

          Hahaha some guy walked out in front of the car AGAIN the other day when I had a green light and the flow of traffic was steady and I went off on a rampage to Dave that sounded much like this.

          Stupidity enrages me.


  3. jakennicksmomma October 12, 2011 at 10:22 am #

    Mazed and Confused….ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!


    • Jackie October 13, 2011 at 8:01 pm #

      Or a Maize Maze. It took a lot of self-control to not go there.


  4. Jules October 12, 2011 at 10:23 am #

    At the risk of sounding like a jerk, getting lost in a corn maze is the whole fucking point. Who in the right mind would bring their 3 week old baby inside anyway? THEY did apparently. The police should have just wrote off the call and let nature exercise a thing called natural selection. Then again, I still do have a heart. Babies don’t ask to be born to stupid parents.

    Won’t someone think of the children?!?!?!


    • Jackie October 13, 2011 at 8:00 pm #

      I love that you referenced natural selection here as if these people were somehow going to die off by dying in the corn. aaaaahaha


  5. Veronica Sand October 12, 2011 at 11:00 am #

    With the right prince, I don’t think it matters! I will say Rhodes, though. I have never been to the Greek Isles.


  6. Samantha October 12, 2011 at 6:32 pm #

    Not gonna lie, I’d totally get lost in a corn maze. But 911 would be the furthest thing from my mind. I’d call someone I know…or the office of the place. You know, logical choices.

    Poor baby. 😦


    • Jackie October 13, 2011 at 7:57 pm #

      They were 25 feet from the entrance. They could have yelled. Or thrown a stone and hit someone. Or, I don’t know – WALK THROUGH THE CORN.

      I’m sorry, I get all riled up over idiocy.


      • pixygiggles October 13, 2011 at 11:35 pm #

        That’s exactly what I was thinking when I read the article yesterday. Why not yell for help or just walk through the corn? My boyfriend and I went to the local corn maze last year, the last weekend before it closed. There were plenty of worn paths from people who had done just that. My guess is they got bored, not scared, though.
        People truly amaize me. ;P (Sorry for the corny puns.)


        • Jackie October 19, 2011 at 10:53 pm #

          lol oh man. I’ll forgive it just because you embraced it so wholly. 🙂 Thanks for sharing!


  7. Laura October 12, 2011 at 11:59 pm #

    You should be published. I loved your blog because of your first fresh post. I added it to my reader, and your writing continually makes me laugh and cringe on a daily basis. I was super excited for you after your second freshpost (the fb one). And when I read this article, with my own self-interest in mind, I immediately thought of you.

    Seriously, your lollipop tuesdays trump nearly (but not all) of my doing something new every day for a year activities.

    Keep writing, cause you are awesomely expressive, in the best way.


    • Jackie October 13, 2011 at 7:56 pm #

      Thanks for the high compliments and for the link. There are a number of obstacles there – firstly that no one would pay for what I already put online for free. And secondly that you have to get people to just give you their credit card information. That’s nutso.

      And for the record, doing something new every week (almost) does absolutely no trump doing something new every day.


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