Zooey Deschanel and I are kind of fighting right now.
I say kind of because she doesn’t know who I am, even though she is obviously playing out my entire life on national television.
For those of you who don’t know who I’m talking about, allow me to post a picture of enlightenment. But I warn you: she’s totally cute. So if you’re a guy and you don’t already know who she is, prepare yourself to get a little excited by her adorableness. And if you’re a girl who doesn’t already know who she is, prepare to feel inferior. Not inferior in a ‘wow she’s hot’ kind of way. Inferior in a ‘man she’s really lovely and looks like she’s probably a nice person too. Sonuvagun’ kind of way.
You might recognize her face as the crazy girl from 500 Days of Summer. Or maybe as the crazy girlfriend on Weeds. Or maybe as the crazy roommate in Failure to Launch. Or, most recently, as the star of the show ‘New Girl’, which was stolen from the transcripts of my life.
I was first made aware of this travesty when one of my older brothers texted me telling me I had to watch it right away because it was me. The premise of the show is that the lead – Jess, played by the offender in question – has just been cheated on and moves in with a houseful of guys, where she talks in crazy voices, does stupid things, and makes up her own jingles. And with only a few almost unnoticeable adjustments, this is my life from college. Except New Girl replaced all of my awesome guy roommates with bad actors. Also, I’m not as attractive as her.
This makes me upset. Not just the not-being-as-attractive-as-her thing, but the whole shebang. Zooey Deschanel is exactly what I’ve always wished I looked like, starring in a sitcom I always wish I could have had. And guess what: she has a band. Yeah. She gets her singer-songwriter on too. The real kicker is that she isn’t even very good at any of these things. Honestly, she’s not. I’m not being rude – she’s very lovely and I don’t hold anything against her except that she has entirely and heartlessly usurped my dreams from me by claiming them for her own. But it’s just an empirical observation that she’s rather average in every area outside of her bangin’ cute looks and soul-slurping doe eyes. She just tries to be amusing about the fact that she’s average and people like that about her.
She even has likability.
So I keep watching New Girl. Over and over again. I don’t even think it’s very good. It could have been good if they would have called me to get more information instead of just running with the basics. But they missed a few very key points about the roommates that I’d love to fill them in on. You know, if they’ll replace Zooey with me. Obviously. And they’re going to need a few cats. The cats are vital. But I keep watching it in spite of its mediocrity because I’m in shock at how much she is like me and how completely annoying I am.
Really, I can’t stand her character. I don’t know how people put up with me. At least when I lived with four guys I could kind of spread my personality amongst them all. Now that I live with just one – oh man. How does Dave do it?! Honestly, how does he not smother me in my sleep?
The other day I woke him up with an improvised song about how he was wrapped up in his blanket all funny. It was called Breakfast Burrito. And while I was proud of my rendition at the time, I’m now watching Zooey ‘I-steal-your-dreams-and-play-them-out-in-front-of-you’ Deschanel and I’m thinking Woooow. Someone needs to body slam me until I shut up.
Really. If Zooey woke me up with a song about how I looked like a breakfast burrito, I’d have the urge to take her out at the knees.
Well, at least maybe then I’ll have a shot at understudy. ♣