Zooey Deschanel Is Mocking Me

14 Oct

Zooey Deschanel and I are kind of fighting right now.

I say kind of because she doesn’t know who I am, even though she is obviously playing out my entire life on national television.

For those of you who don’t know who I’m talking about, allow me to post a picture of enlightenment.  But I warn you: she’s totally cute.  So if you’re a guy and you don’t already know who she is, prepare yourself to get a little excited by her adorableness.  And if you’re a girl who doesn’t already know who she is, prepare to feel inferior.   Not inferior in a ‘wow she’s hot’ kind of way.  Inferior in a ‘man she’s really lovely and looks like she’s probably a nice person too.  Sonuvagun’ kind of way.

Look at her basking in her awesome life. For the record, I got this image from a site that claimed to have gotten the image from another site. So to go ahead and bypass all that mumbo jumbo let's just say this obviously isn't mine and you can click on the image to find lots more pictures of her that aren't mine.

 You might recognize her face as the crazy girl from 500 Days of Summer.  Or maybe as the crazy girlfriend on Weeds.  Or maybe as the crazy roommate in Failure to Launch.  Or, most recently, as the star of the show ‘New Girl’, which was stolen from the transcripts of my life.

I was first made aware of this travesty when one of my older brothers texted me telling me I had to watch it right away because it was me.  The premise of the show is that the lead – Jess, played by the offender in question – has just been cheated on and moves in with a houseful of guys, where she talks in crazy voices, does stupid things, and makes up her own jingles.  And with only a few almost unnoticeable adjustments, this is my life from college.  Except New Girl replaced all of my awesome guy roommates with bad actors.  Also, I’m not as attractive as her. 

This makes me upset.  Not just the not-being-as-attractive-as-her thing, but the whole shebang.  Zooey Deschanel is exactly what I’ve always wished I looked like, starring in a sitcom I always wish I could have had.  And guess what: she has a band.  Yeah.  She gets her singer-songwriter on too.  The real kicker is that she isn’t even very good at any of these things. Honestly, she’s not.  I’m not being rude – she’s very lovely and I don’t hold anything against her except that she has entirely and heartlessly usurped my dreams from me by claiming them for her own.  But it’s just an empirical observation that she’s rather average in every area outside of her bangin’ cute looks and soul-slurping doe eyes.   She just tries to be amusing about the fact that she’s average and people like that about her.

She even has likability.

So I keep watching New Girl.  Over and over again.  I don’t even think it’s very good.  It could have been good if they would have called me to get more information instead of just running with the basics.  But they missed a few very key points about the roommates that I’d love to fill them in on.  You know, if they’ll replace Zooey with me.  Obviously.  And they’re going to need a few cats.  The cats are vital. But I keep watching it in spite of its mediocrity because I’m in shock at how much she is like me and how completely annoying I am. 

Look at her. She knows what she's doing. (Photo by Noel Vasquez – Image courtesy gettyimages.com)


Really, I can’t stand her character.  I don’t know how people put up with me.  At least when I lived with four guys I could kind of spread my personality amongst them all.  Now that I live with just one – oh man.  How does Dave do it?! Honestly, how does he not smother me in my sleep?

The other day I woke him up with an improvised song about how he was wrapped up in his blanket all funny.  It was called Breakfast Burrito.  And while I was proud of my rendition at the time, I’m now watching Zooey ‘I-steal-your-dreams-and-play-them-out-in-front-of-you’ Deschanel and I’m thinking Woooow.  Someone needs to body slam me until I shut up.

Really.  If Zooey woke me up with a song about how I looked like a breakfast burrito, I’d have the urge to take her out at the knees.

Well, at least maybe then I’ll have a shot at understudy. 



21 Responses to “Zooey Deschanel Is Mocking Me”

  1. wtfhappenedtomyreallife October 14, 2011 at 10:04 am #

    I never had 4 male roommates but I had a few…I never did the silly songs though. We should gang up on her and get you on the show. I totally think you are way cuter. Sure, she is adorable in that airbrushed “ooh look at me I have perfect skin and my hair is shiny and smooth and because I can afford the really good shit cause I am an actress” kind of way…but seriously….you are way more fun.

    I don’t really care for the New Girl but it is addictive. I just keep watching to see what she will do next even though I don’t like it. I am a bit of a masochist when it comes to tv though.


    • Jackie October 19, 2011 at 10:50 pm #

      haha well fun is better than airbrushed I suppose 😛

      I’m having the same problem! I don’t even LIKE the show. And there are very few shows I will actually watch since I don’t even have TV and don’t typically care for any of them. But for some reason I just keep watching this terrible, terrible show.

      We should pull each other out of this.


      • wtfhappenedtomyreallife October 20, 2011 at 10:04 am #

        I get sucked in on some shows because they feature products that my company makes. Like that new show “Up All Night” with Christina Applegate. They have one of our high chairs. It was awesome. Prominently displayed in the first episode….and I was hooked. Unfortunately I can’t even claim THAT as a reason for watching this train wreck we have been speaking of. And HANDS DOWN fun is better than airbrushed. Just remember someday her perfect skin will have wrinkles or tiny scars from surgery. You will always have your beautiful sense of humor, love and laughter. And no matter how bad you talk about it, your beautiful smile 🙂


        • Jackie October 28, 2011 at 1:28 am #

          Oh, how cool! I love seeing people I recognize on TV; it’s so groovy. That’s like furniture, right? 🙂 Thanks for the kind words. Zooey’s a hottie though. I read somewhere that she loves to bake but she doesn’t really like sweets so she just bakes for other people. That’s probably key. I should stop gobbling my own confections!


      • wtfhappenedtomyreallife October 30, 2011 at 3:15 pm #

        I work for a very large child safety product company. 🙂 It is really cool to see the stuff on shows. It adds to the cool factor of what I do.


  2. pegoleg October 14, 2011 at 10:15 am #

    Just start sending her much funnier material from your real life to jazz up the show and earn you millions of $$ and buckets of street cred as a screenwriter.


    • Jackie October 19, 2011 at 10:48 pm #

      or they’ll be like “hey, this girl works for free. rad.”


  3. Jules October 14, 2011 at 12:27 pm #

    Jackie, you should quit watching the show and prioritize your precious time on something more important. Just maybe…

    As a reader and proud self-proclaimed out-of-box-thinker, I do remember all the times you’ve complained about not have enough time in your day to do what you need to do. One of those things, I distinctly remember, would be sleep. Oh and another… clean underwear? (haha) Personally, I pretty much cut out the things in my daily life that annoy me. Less and less of that means a happier quality of life for me. Kindly practice this, please.

    Anyway, that’s just how I feel about it. It’s your life. 😛 🙂


    • Jules October 14, 2011 at 12:36 pm #

      Man… was that a little harsh? The little judger inside of me broke out this morning. Yikes.

      I do agree with you that she does have a beautiful set of soul-sucking ey…..
      …uh—-uhhhhh….*turns head* what was I saying?


    • Jackie October 19, 2011 at 10:47 pm #

      Wow. Really? I’ll focus on your second comment here and tell myself that you’re intelligent enough to not think that only the things I share on my blog are the things I’m doing with my day /and/or are important to me. I also refuse to believe you’ve never watched a movie/tv show. So let’s just be even stevens here.


  4. Jessica October 14, 2011 at 4:41 pm #

    I love Zooey! Did you see Your Highness? Her role was so cheesy but a great fit. I haven’t seen The New Girl, but hearing a lot of buzz that it’s fun.


    • Jackie October 19, 2011 at 10:42 pm #

      I did not. She plays the same character in everything though so I’m sure I’ve got a pretty good idea 😛 The New Girl is free on hulu.com, btw. Check it out.


  5. thesinglecell October 14, 2011 at 6:42 pm #

    She IS irritatingly cute… but I love her voice. I first saw/heard her in “Elf” and I still love her in that. And I love her in “Failure to Launch.” But I haven’t seen your– er, her– new show yet. Still, all her cutesy little quirky adorableness is sort of vomitous.


    • Jackie October 19, 2011 at 10:42 pm #

      MINE. MY SHOW.

      Yes, vomit. Tell the writers they need to replace her.

      *points to self, desperately*


  6. wordsweneversaid October 14, 2011 at 7:25 pm #

    Hey Jackie?

    I was just looking through today’s post and – ummm…

    That pic you have for your icon?

    You should compare it to Zooey.

    You have better teeth (IMHO) but the smiles are cutely similar…
    (just sayin’)

    And – the nose…?

    Perky – damned near adorable…

    I’m starting to wonder.

    (if she is actually a beastly copykitty)



    • Jackie October 19, 2011 at 10:41 pm #

      haha thanks, that’s very nice of you. I love the term copykitty. Lurve it.


  7. Sara October 14, 2011 at 11:05 pm #

    Ugh. I totally know how you feel. One of my roommates calls me ‘Jess’ now.


    • Jackie October 19, 2011 at 10:41 pm #

      I hope she at least did you the justice of giving you your own theme song. Also, if you’re older than the character of Jess, insist that she refer to Jess as Sara.


  8. Amy October 15, 2011 at 12:03 pm #

    i love this show. have to say it’s my new favorite comedy for the moment. i am also digging terra nova. thank God for hulu!


    • Jackie October 19, 2011 at 10:39 pm #

      I just started getting Breaking Bad discs in the mail. And ooooooh man do I love it. Hard.


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