The Iceman Cometh

15 Oct

It’s cold.

I know, I know – I asked for this.  I praised autumn in a post that could have inspired people to fashion little idols of autumn and worship them in their backyards.  After autumn comes winter, so by praising one, it implies that I am encouraging what follows.

To be clear, I’m not.  I hate winter.  I used to like it back when it was 1/4 of the year, but now it’s half and it makes me want to die.

I usually don’t mind the autumn chill; I’m more than happy to have an excuse to bust out the scarves a little early.  But I have a small problem.  My landlord isn’t turning on the heat.

I’m not sure what his rules and regulations are.  I don’t know what temperature it has to get to for him to decide it’s inhumane to give us the gift of fire, but sometimes it gets pretty darn cold overnight and there’s nothing I can do but fashion a cocoon of blankets and hope til morning. 

It’s kind of a strange retribution, you know?  I went all summer long without air conditioning in order to save money and to cater to my occasional need to indulge my hippie sensibilities.  Maybe my landlord (let’s call him Smee) caught wind that I was torturing Dave and my cats and now he’s going to teach me a lesson.  Maybe Dave called Smee and asked him to teach me a lesson.  

After all, men are furry.  They can endure the cold.  I’m naked as a baby mole rat from my head to my toes; there’s no hope for me.

I try to combat the chill by baking and cooking a lot.  I threw a few potatoes in the oven the other night just to fire up the gas.  Our gas bill is included in our rent, so I can use all the oven time I want.  I wasn’t really hungry, but like the late Mitch Hedberg said: “It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes, I’ll just throw one in there, even if I don’t want one. By the time it’s done, who knows?”

I like to take my life advice from comedians.  Sometimes that can be problematic.

As it turns out, I didn’t want the baked potato when it was done.  I don’t really like them.  But I was warm.

I have a few poorly constructed plans for how to endure part of the winter should Smee refuse to loosen the purse strings.  Most of them have to do with funneling the heat from the oven into other parts of the house with Dr. Seuss-like contraptions.   That’s probably a fast track to a fiery death.

At least I’ll be warm when I go. 

 

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12 Responses to “The Iceman Cometh”

  1. Neil C. Reinhardt October 15, 2011 at 12:32 pm #

    Hi Jackie,

    Buy a Heater! 🙂

    They have small efficent ones now.

    Neil

    Like

    • Jackie October 19, 2011 at 10:39 pm #

      I hope efficient means “can’t even tell on your electric bill” 🙂

      Like

  2. Neil C. Reinhardt October 15, 2011 at 12:37 pm #

    PS This Paratrooper, Deep Sea Diver, crime stopper, etc., etc. HATES COLD!

    And as I can’t take it either is why I live in So. Cal and not in my really great “Home Town” of Grand Junction, Co.

    Like

    • Jackie October 19, 2011 at 10:38 pm #

      I think if I lived in a warm zone all the time, I wouldn’t appreciate it anymore. I need the cold to zap me into a love for the non-cold. Also, snow is pretty.

      Like

  3. mistressofpoetry October 15, 2011 at 12:39 pm #

    Go get you some space heaters, the ones that look like mini-radiators and have oil or water in them. You won’t burn yourself when you touch them and you can’t set anything on fire, but put one in a room and close the door…it gets REALLY warm in there. I’m going to be hunting for some soon myself.

    Like

    • Jules October 15, 2011 at 1:35 pm #

      Agreed!! Although I do prefer the parabolic radiating type. It looks like a small satellite dish. No need to fuss with water & oil.

      Like

    • Jackie October 19, 2011 at 10:38 pm #

      Electricity bill. Remember, I didn’t pay for AC in the blistering heat.

      But then again if the landlord doesn’t give it up soon, I might have to take your advice. Sometimes I can see my breath in my living room.

      Like

  4. Jules October 15, 2011 at 1:33 pm #

    “After all, men are furry. They can endure the cold. ”
    You must have a different type of man in that part of the country. Hurhurhur…

    I get seriously numb hands indoors during California “winters” (LOL),which doesn’t technically count as winter when compared to blizzards I’ve experienced in Chicago. Everything in this universe has a downside. I guess this is what I have to live with for having body fat % near the single digits. My legs are also shaven like a good cyclist does, so I’m sure that also hurts my natural “manly” insulation. *sigh*

    Forever breaking your stereotypes. 😀

    Like

    • Jackie October 19, 2011 at 10:37 pm #

      Dave is particularly hairy, which I enjoy. I have a brother that’s so hairy you can’t even see the peach on his arms. Ooooh man, Chicago cold without fur OR fat?! It’s a wonder you’re still alive.

      Like

  5. Ro October 15, 2011 at 1:43 pm #

    ::cough:: itoldyouso ::cough cough::

    Like

    • Jackie October 19, 2011 at 10:35 pm #

      Ro, I’m not talking to you. YOU CAN’T HATE THINGS BECAUSE OF WHAT COMES AFTER THEM. IT’S NOT FAIR.

      Like

      • Ro October 20, 2011 at 11:04 am #

        LIFE ISN’T FAIR! DEAL WITH IT! 😉

        Like

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