There’s Nothing Like Hair Salon Pressure

26 Oct

Me, tomorrow morning.

Going to the hairdresser is such an excruciating experience for someone who doesn’t spend time on their hair.

Not the shampoo part.  Or the head massage part.   Or the combing, cutting, or texturizing.  All of that’s quite lovely.  Actually, I told the woman who last massaged my head that I would marry her.

Don’t judge me – she made me drunk on the tickly goodness.

The part that’s awful isn’t the actual hair getting done.  It’s the interview process that’s difficult to endure.  Or rather, still feel feminine after.  First of all, it’s obvious to any passerby that I don’t do my hair. I clearly have no skills.  Zero.  I wake up, I wash my hair, I comb it, and I go to work.

Sometimes I put it back in a ponytail.

These are obvious signs of a malnourished beauty skill set and yet they ask the questions.  With their perfect hair and their nicely shaped brows and their awesome makeup.  They stand there and they ask me all these questions as if they don’t already know the answers.  She, rather.  It’s always a she.  Men don’t ask me questions when they do my hair; they just make me look fabulous in silence. So last night, she (let’s call her Meg.  Meg is cute enough name to be a hottie but also cool enough to be better than you at things) interrogated me before she would even touch my hair. Do I put anything in my hair when I style it, do I do anything in the morning to it before I go out, do I blah blah blah. I finally just stopped trying to skirt the issue and said “look, I really don’t do anything.  Like, anything.  I wake up and I wash it”.

I could see the concern grow in her face as she asked the final, telling question: “So you just towel dry it and go?”

I don’t know why she had to make me admit it like that.  Yes, I just towel dry it and go.  And usually put it back in a ponytail within an hour.  I just take all my shame and throw it behind my eyes so I don’t have to have any self-realizations.  Like that I look like an exhausted, 40-year-old housewife.

Maybe 35.  Still.  It’s not pretty.

I almost felt a bit more feminine when she told me I had fantastic hair, great texture, and that it was incredibly healthy.  I like to think it’s because of the lack of gunk and blow drying and teasing, but hey: that’s just me.  So she proceeded to gunk and blow dry it, and golly do I look a lot better.

Really, I do.  I’m getting it colored today.  She’s a very convincing woman.

I told Dave he’s in for a treat.  I’ve been eating better for a long time now, kicked up my exercise this week (thanks, no car!), got my hair done yesterday, and am getting it done again tonight.  I will finish out the week about one hundred times hotter than I was when I started it.

I’m not sure if I’ve been brainwashed or if I just had a realization that I shouldn’t look sad and weary when I’m in my mid-20’s.  I think it has a lot to do with the latter, but that’s what someone with the former reality might think.  So you know, it’s hard to tell.

I’m having day-mares of a striped, hellacious colorfest that ruins the first haircut I’ve enjoyed in a long time.  Is it possible that tonight I will ruin a perfectly good thing? 

Yes, yes it is.  Here’s to female brainwashing.  And hair color. 


25 Responses to “There’s Nothing Like Hair Salon Pressure”

  1. Pany October 26, 2011 at 9:27 am #

    I got my hair cut yesterday. I hate it. I went in looking like a sheep in the winter and then came out with hair which was just way too short! I hope you enjoy your hair :P.


    • Katherine Gordy Levine October 26, 2011 at 1:42 pm #

      Pany, with you there, had a male hairdressor wack off 4 inches and say Oh, I thought you said short. But it does grow. I have learned how to trim my bangs, so I will never need to get near a hair dresser again.

      For those who don’t want straight across bands, here is the do it yourself trick I found years ago. Pull the bangs together Between your thumb and forefinger. Thumb resting point up and above the forefinger. Cut the around your thumb, wash and save 20 bucks.

      Works for me. Stay strong all. Life is wonderful as long as you can keep at it.


    • Jackie October 27, 2011 at 11:38 pm #

      Hopefully it will grow into something acceptable – so sorry to hear of your woes 😦


  2. wtfhappenedtomyreallife October 26, 2011 at 10:35 am #

    As a show of solidarity, Jackie, I will color my hair tonight too. I am going red. (covering the way too much gray for only being 33).

    I just towl dry, leave in condition and go most days. I have naturally curly hair and so doing too much to it disrupts the curls and makes them angry. They go all wild when I do that. Most days I throw it back in a bunch of little clips (hairdresser forbade me to use ponytail holders because they break my hair) and it looks semi cute…and I just go on about my business.

    You are beautiful. I can’t wait to see the new color 🙂


    • Jackie October 27, 2011 at 11:38 pm #

      I’ve always admired curls but never wanted them for my own. Too many tales from the curly-haired about the tests and trials of maintenance. 🙂


  3. Lori October 26, 2011 at 10:59 am #

    A lot of us would kill for the ability to wake up, wash, towel dry, and go!


    • Jackie October 27, 2011 at 11:37 pm #

      I thought it was pretty special. Apparently more is required of me to be socially acceptable.


  4. pegoleg October 26, 2011 at 12:01 pm #

    Good for you – nothing wrong with a little girlification pampering.

    You reminded me that I look like an aging skunk with this stripe down the middle of my head.

    You’re inspiring me, yet again, to try something new! And by something new I mean I just called the stylist I’ve had for 25 years to make an appointment to have a root touchup with the same color I’ve been using for 10.


    • Jackie October 27, 2011 at 11:37 pm #

      LOL well close enough. It will do 😉


  5. Jules October 26, 2011 at 12:01 pm #

    There you go. Enjoy your 20’s! Save the frumpiness until after you get married. 😉


    • Jackie October 27, 2011 at 11:36 pm #

      Ah, always my ‘you can do better’ cheerleader 😉


  6. Katherine Gordy Levine October 26, 2011 at 1:36 pm #

    Good luck and let me be tiresome. So glad I never colored my hair, just more money, more trips to the hair torturers. I never was a beauty, so concentrated on other things. Now I have beautiful silver hair, although it took a while and is now slowly falling out, but at still have most of my mind, many friends, and a life I love. Good luck.with whatever color you decide upon.


    • Jackie October 27, 2011 at 11:36 pm #

      Never in your whole life? How impressive! I love well-maintained pure white or beautiful silver hair. It’s so bold and so beautiful. 🙂


  7. mistressofpoetry October 26, 2011 at 1:44 pm #

    Don’t feel bad for not doing your hair. I haven’t done mine in years either, and I just got my first trim yesterday in a year. I think it’s from lack of time on my part, being that I have a rather hectic schedule. Also, I don’t really know how to do it properly anymore since the boufant… I know I didn’t spell that right…. hairstyles of the 80s went out of style. Something current would have me very confused.
    In the near future, I plan on at least starting to put on makeup again – on the days I’m not working. That will be my girly primp time. Now I just need the money to go out and show off my good looks, well…. they’re not that good lol… but who knows.


    • Jackie October 27, 2011 at 11:30 pm #

      Oh my – I think current hairstyles are much more doable than the 80’s! How does one even attempt a bouffant??


      • mistressofpoetry October 27, 2011 at 11:55 pm #

        Lots of hairspray, a curling iron, and a hair dryer…. not really the healthiest things for your hair anyways lol…


  8. Samantha October 26, 2011 at 5:45 pm #

    Hahaha! I understand this completely…I also have super curly hair and blow-drying or anything with heat makes it very angry. I do enjoy having it straight every once in awhile, but it’ll be angry with me for about two weeks afterward. Almost not worth it.

    Since I’ve been unemployed and graduated I don’t even put mascara on anymore, unless I’m going to a job interview so that they don’t think I’m 15.

    Hope we get to see your new hair color! 🙂


  9. oanh October 26, 2011 at 6:20 pm #

    I very much empathise. I like the part where, after all that interrogation at the beginning and admitting, “Yes, really, I only wash my hair. I don’t own a hair dryer. I don’t use products,” beautifully coiffed hairdresser tries to sell me ‘product’. I also find agonising the bit where the hairdresser says, “What would you like us to do?” Um, cut my hair? Please?


    • Jackie October 27, 2011 at 11:17 pm #

      Right?? I try to lay everything out on the table in terms of knowledge and just tell them I know very little about hair, but I was thinking [insert garblety-gook about a picture I brought that demonstrates my hopes and dreams more clearly]

      It rarely works, but it’s the best I can do besides grunts and hand gestures.


  10. whatimeant2say October 26, 2011 at 10:19 pm #

    Only women can truly understand the paradox of the luxuriously relaxing stressful hair cut routine. Hair stylists have the power to effect our moods for the entire next six weeks. Even the President doesn’t have that much power…


    • Jackie October 27, 2011 at 11:08 pm #

      I was truly grumpy yesterday. Sad but true. At least today I have hope in the weekend 🙂


  11. Miss Y October 27, 2011 at 8:06 am #

    My issue is leaving the salon with a wonderful style cut and colour, going to sleep, waking up in the morning and then trying to copy the look the hairdresser made look so easy yesterday.


    • pegoleg October 27, 2011 at 9:21 am #

      Oh boy, can I sing in this choir. It never happens – we can never recreate that look.


    • Jackie October 27, 2011 at 11:08 pm #

      I wish new cuts came with a lesson 😉


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