Battling the Mess Monster

5 Nov

The Mess Monster.

Last night I went Monica Geller on my apartment.

I don’t know why, but I couldn’t. stop. cleaning.

I cleaned absolutely everything.  I went through junk drawers, cleaned out closets, scrubbed carpets, wiped down furniture; I was overtaken by a serious disease.  I started at 7pm and didn’t stop until after 1am.  I didn’t even want to clean. I just noticed the next dirty thing while I was working on cleaning something else.  Most of the evening was a blur but I faintly recall a long, yellow, rubber glove.

That means things got seriously, seriously, serious.

I can’t help but think that if I could only get to the root of what overtook me last night, I could replicate the experience in the future.  Perhaps I could extend it to something other than the house.  With that kind of overwhelming dedication to completion of a task, I could do anything.  I could build a tree house.  Or take up upholstery.  Or write a novel.

No, scrap that last one.  I’m writing enough this year.

I’m disappointed that I didn’t take a blood sample during the whirlwind.  I could have sent it to a lab for some tests.  Maybe it would reveal something in my system that led to this awesomeness and I could recreate it in the future.  Maybe I could even have it synthetically engineered and put it on the market for others.  Wouldn’t it be awesome if you spend 6 hours yesterday on something you haven’t wanted to do in a really long time but needed done?  I reorganized my pots and pans.  Do you have any idea how much time and frustration that will save me in the coming months?  Things had escalated to the point where I couldn’t even nudge the cabinet door the mess of metal inside would clamor about and fall out to the floor.  My carpet had a variety of mysterious spots on it that needed some thorough treatment. And the junk drawer that had too much junk in it for me to be able to locate the junk I actually needed? Fixed.  

I know you’re thinking about those areas of your place right now that need some hard love.  I know because yesterday, I was you.  And let me tell you, today feels glorious.  I might just dedicate the rest of my life to attempting to recreate the happening so that I can take blood, test it, synthetically recreate it, and sell it to you.

Listen, I have bills.

So tell me your dirty hiding places.  Really, I’m curious.  Where is the spot in your house that you need to seriously get a handle on but haven’t made the time?  I appear to have had many: junk drawers, closets…but the big winner was the pots and pans cabinet.

Tell me, dearest readers: where’s your mess monster hiding? 


22 Responses to “Battling the Mess Monster”

  1. thesinglecell November 5, 2011 at 11:45 am #

    This is how most of my cleaning gets done: in fits of spent tolerance for mess and clutter. Since I moved into my current place just over a year ago, I’ve kept up pretty well on the cleaning, so there’s no one place that’s out of control… but the kitchen cabinets could use a good wipedown inside and out. Same with the bathroom cabinet under the sink. Oh, and my bathroom floor makes me insane because it doesn’t matter what I do; I can’t keep the porous tile and the grout between it looking clean. Grrr.


    • Jackie November 11, 2011 at 1:09 am #

      I hate to think that my entire life I’ll just be cleaning up after my own mess. It’s depressing.


  2. pegoleg November 5, 2011 at 12:01 pm #

    Too many places to even count. Each closet, each drawer is a day’s work that I avoid by turning on this computer. Get working on that anti-sloth serum – I’m first in line!


    • Jackie November 11, 2011 at 1:08 am #

      okay but I’m going to charge you a fortune. Like, a big one.


  3. Jules November 5, 2011 at 1:09 pm #

    This is Jackie on speed?

    Relevant to this post. The GARAGE. dun dun dunnnnn


    • Jackie November 11, 2011 at 1:08 am #

      I’m so glad I don’t have a garage to mess up. I can’t even imagine the horror I would create.


  4. Caitlin Antram November 5, 2011 at 1:51 pm #

    My room had existed in the same fragile and precarious state of disarray for the last month. It teeters on a hinge of somewhat acceptable and just gross. You can see the floor but every other available surface is covered in an unorganized chaos of stuff. I need a three hour window in which to fix this situation but i just. can’t. find. the. window.



    • Jackie November 11, 2011 at 1:08 am #

      couldn’t you just end that sentence with “for my whole life”? 😛


  5. Ms Peebody November 5, 2011 at 4:34 pm #

    What you did in six hours took me three days to accomplish last month. Now, all the junk/ donations/craigslist items are sitting in my formal dining room. On the dining room table, under the table and all around it. Will have to set aside a day just to conquer the disaster that grew while I was ridding all the other areas of the house of junk. Heavy sigh.


    • Jackie November 11, 2011 at 1:07 am #

      I do that when I’m cleaning my bedroom – I put everything on the bed that I need to organize and then end up with a bed that’s impossible to sleep on until I dig through the junk. It’s a terrible process.


  6. mistressofpoetry November 5, 2011 at 5:57 pm #

    Perhaps there’s something in the water, because I just cleaned out my refrigerator, washed dishes, did laundry, AND cleaned the bathroom THOROUGHLY today. The fridge had an awful smell from something that evidently died in there, and the bathroom walls (the bathroom is on what used to be an old back porch) were growing (mold), but I just couldn’t get to it until today because of all the other messes in the house that took priority on what few days I get off, oh, and there’s that whole sleep thing, too. But I feel rather accomplished, just as you obviously do. I really do wish I knew what it is that gives us that insatiable need to clean it all in one go, because I’d definitely channel it for when I need it most. Congrats on your clean house!


    • Jackie November 11, 2011 at 1:06 am #



  7. Katherine Gordy Levine November 5, 2011 at 5:59 pm #

    The biggest mess in my life is my husband’s office or the kitchen after he cooks which is one of the reasons I wish our kitchen was not on open display. then there is his side of the bed. I clean the kitchen mess, but just shut the door on his office and turn down the volume on my hearing aide when he starts complaining about not being able to find stuff.

    I can get just as messing, but part of ADHD, and I am self-diagnosed, is always organizing, never organized. I can have the rest of the house as messy as my husband’s office. However, caring for my grandson inspires me to organize before he arrives and that means everything in its place at least twice a week. Then there are the nights company is expected for Shabbat dinner. Without these motivating forces all would be chaos.

    Stay strong life is a struggle and organizing does ease the pain temporarily.


    • Jackie November 11, 2011 at 1:05 am #

      LOL @ the hearing aid comment. I wish that once I cleaned it was done for a little while. It’s just a neverending cycle. It’s all really quite depressing.


  8. notanotherrandomgirl November 6, 2011 at 1:22 am #

    My aunt just went through the same thing. It was hilarious. We were all sitting around in the living room and then she’s randomly jump up and go dust something or wipe a plate.


    • Jackie November 11, 2011 at 1:05 am #

      it’s a strange demon. or perhaps angel. I don’t know, but I wish it would overcome me more often.


  9. knotrune November 6, 2011 at 7:15 am #

    My mess hides under other mess…


  10. Pany November 6, 2011 at 11:24 am #

    My wardrobe has a shelf over the rail. It’s heaving with old clothes and presents that I never liked but just kept because I had to.


    • Jackie November 11, 2011 at 1:04 am #

      Regift! Regift! Regift!

      Or donate… No one can really get upset that you gave to the needy, right? 🙂


  11. Lian November 6, 2011 at 4:20 pm #

    At the moment I live out of boxes packed with everything I own, which means the mess is everywhere and I can’t seem to find anything that I need. Hurray for moving!


    • Jackie November 11, 2011 at 1:03 am #

      moving is the worst. the WORST. good luck to you!


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