Things My Cats Do to Upset Me, or, The Case for a Teacup Piglet

14 Nov

Don't let the cute curl-up-and-sleep pose fool you. Look closely: she has one eye open.

  1. Even if I pet them for an hour, they will still ram their heads against my various limbs, knocking cups, books, and handheld electronics to the floor in their fervor.
  2. They always nest on freshly cleaned clothes if I don’t put them away immediately.  
  3. They can’t handle it when I bring things from the outside world.  Each item gets sniffed, snuggled, and batted around. 
  4. I’ve bought a myriad of cat treat brands to finally find one that Cat A will eat and another that Cat B will eat.  Yesterday I went about my usual business and fed each their respective preferences only to find that Cat A cares for neither now and Cat B likes them both. They have no respect for me.
  5. It is impossible to have a basin of water in the house anywhere without one of my cats seeking it out immediately, dipping its grimy litter-laden paws inside, and scooping out little licks worth of water to lap up for fun.  When at the dinner table, great precautions must be taken.
  6. When I’m sleeping at night, I often awake to the gentle gnawing of a cat on a plastic bag and it makes me want to tear my skin off. 
  7. They continually barf up hairballs and clumps of food on things they know I need the following day, thereby forcing me to take immediate emergency cleaning action, which I despise.
  8. Sometimes they’ll lie in the bathroom sink and refuse to move so that I can wash my hands, forcing me to pick them up out of the wet basin, leaving them covered in toothpaste and my hands covered in wet fur.
  9. When I get comfortable at night, they come lie next to a bend in my body so that I have to monitor my movements throughout the night to avoid clobbering their soft bodies with my monstrous limbs.
  10. The way they dig at the plastic on the litter box instead of at the litter. For ten minutes. WHERE DO THEY THINK IT WILL TAKE THEM?
Sometimes when I look at all these things together, I realize I’m living in a prison of my own design.  I also begin to lust heavily for a teacup pig, who would commit none of the above offenses. 
Unfortunately, my cats would annihilate it while exercising habit number three. 

He knows he's a monster. Don't buy in to the face.


17 Responses to “Things My Cats Do to Upset Me, or, The Case for a Teacup Piglet”

  1. wtfhappenedtomyreallife November 14, 2011 at 9:26 am #

    They are evil…but they are so cute! I wish I could have cats. I used to have one that I loved immensely….but as an adult I developed an allergy to them 😦 😦 😦 That definitely deserves 3 sad faces.

    We do have a guinea pig though. And she is the best pet ever. AND she stays in her crate unless I decide to take her out for some play time.


    • Jackie November 22, 2011 at 12:37 am #

      Guinea pigs mate like crazy. I’ve never seen people with just one. It’s zero or a thousand. I’m convinced they can divide in half when alone in order to multiply.


      • wtfhappenedtomyreallife November 22, 2011 at 10:07 am #

        The nice thing about having just one is that you don’t have that whole awkward “where did the babies go?” conversation. 🙂


  2. Mr.Tod A.Parker November 14, 2011 at 9:32 am #

    I wish I liked cats. The tea cup pig sounds good though.


    • Jackie November 22, 2011 at 12:36 am #

      when you say it that way, it sounds like good means tasty.

      But I guess a teacup pig would only amount to about one hot dog.


  3. egills November 14, 2011 at 9:46 am #

    Ha ha, when I had cats there were nights when I’d wake in the middle of the night and instantly panic because I was paralysed… it would take me a while to wake up enough to realise it was just all three cats were on the quilt… literally pinning me down!

    Teacup pig! I want one!


    • Jackie November 22, 2011 at 12:35 am #

      haha I love the idea of cats holding you down. You must have been so warm, though.

      Get a teacup pig. Let me live vicariously through you.


  4. Stephanie Bennis November 14, 2011 at 10:01 am #

    I’ve personally experienced all of these wonderful habits cats have from my own love-hate relationship with my cat Pinot. Working from home, she’s my only other “employee” and so we drive each other crazy. Her newest habit is game in bags and waiting until I walk by to jump out and scare me!


    • Jackie November 22, 2011 at 12:33 am #

      Pinot is a great name! I don’t know how you get anything done working from home with a cat. Mine shoves up against my hand as I type and is constantly attempting to lie across my arms when I’m browsing. Kudos to you for wrangling the beast.


  5. Jules November 14, 2011 at 11:08 am #

    Mines does this claw at your door in the middle of the night or else you will never get back to sleep because of shuffling and meowing, so let me in already. When I finally get up to let him in, he senses my anger and disappears. Got up for NOTHING!


    • Jackie November 22, 2011 at 12:31 am #

      I leave the doors open for that very reason. Drives. Me. Nuts.


  6. pegoleg November 14, 2011 at 2:27 pm #

    I was away for a long weekend, so when I got back last night Beeby was in extra need of attention. When she hopped up on my lap I noticed a bad smell. She had a big, hard clump of poop stuck in the fur by her bottom. I worked for 10 minutes with a warm, soapy rag and scissors to get her clean, the whole time battling her sharp, kicking claws of fury.

    We’re definitely in line for a “Do Not Pass Go, Go Directly To Heaven” card, Jackie.


    • Jackie November 22, 2011 at 12:30 am #

      LOL that’s disgusting. I’m so amused by your cat. I loved the post back in the…spring? Yeah. Palm fronds. ahahaha


  7. Lori L November 14, 2011 at 3:01 pm #

    Oh this post made me laugh out loud. I have two evil, uh, I mean adorable kitties as well and they do every single last one of these things you listed! I live in a small town so our cats get to go outside. So far below are the “critters” they have brought inside to show us so proudly all alive except #3:
    1. hissing beetle (as big as your palm and she did it twice!)
    2. grasshoppers
    3. large black bird
    4. chipmunk
    5. 2 baby bunnies
    6. mouse
    7. bats (yep plural)
    One of them has also cornered a raccoon. After the bunnies I’d had it. It’s one thing to bring in & kill yucky bugs or creepy bats…but baby bunnies!?! I told them I didn’t raise bunny killers and they are now banned from going outside after dark. Nothing good happens for them after dark.

    Be thankful your not harboring the neighborhood bullies.


    • Jackie November 22, 2011 at 12:29 am #

      So gross. SO GROSS. Eeeeeeeeeeew.


  8. whatimeant2say November 14, 2011 at 10:22 pm #

    They look so sweet! I think you are totally pulling our legs. But I still think you should get the pig.


    • Jackie November 22, 2011 at 12:28 am #

      THEY ARE NOT SWEET. They’re hellions. Low, dirty, adorable hellions.


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