I Forced Myself to Watch Twilight

29 Nov

Another tween sucked into a hole of unhealthy relationships. Pity.

I feel icky inside.  Angsty, even.  I didn’t want to do it, but that’s exactly why I had to, don’t you understand?

Happy Lollipop Tuesday, kids.

I see some new faces.  I really don’t know how you find me, but I’m flattered that you hang out.  As a result of your fresh, sparkling smiles, I am obligated to direct you to the top of this page where it explains what exactly a Lollipop Tuesday is.  It doesn’t have much to do with Lollipops.

Moving on: I watched the Twilight movie.  It doesn’t feel any better saying it the second time.  I still haven’t really come to terms with it.  I did it because I have this thing about judging things that look stupid without ever actually having an interaction with them.  It’s this awful personality trait that convinced me I hated the movie Garden State until I realized one day that I hadn’t even seen it. 

I had the same problem with kickball and banana peppers.

I was perfectly happy to go on with my life having never experienced the angst of Bella and Edward and their incredibly effed up relationship.  But I started to feel like everyone I know has seen it.  This past week one of my highly respected chick friends mentioned that they were going to go see the most recent installment at the theater.  I was shocked.  Then over Thanksgiving, my brother made an off-handed comment about Dave being a Jake, not an Edward.

I was in a flurry of confusion and discomfort.

So I sat down and rocked myself through it.  I was over it about half way through.  Or maybe when they said her name was Bella Swan.  And not in the “oh Twilight totally sucks” kind of way.  The baseball scene was pretty groovy.  More like a “this is really awkwardly acted, written, and not entertaining” sort of way.   I also have some pretty strong feelings about how it reinforces completely unhealthy relationships for tweens.   Come on – she lies to her family, runs away from home, completely blows off would-be friends and high school experiences for a guy who says he’s bad for her, will hurt her, and ultimately wants to feast on her flesh.

There’s something about the way she was ready to give up her entire life at the age of 17 if only it meant she could be with this one guy for the rest of forever that made my stomach feel all funky.  I imagine it has the same effect on tween girls but the funky feeling is a little farther south.

And that makes me sad.

But hey: angsty vampire-loving girls will be angsty vampire-loving girls.  Let their nether regions be tickled by whatever creepy love stories they please.

You know what the real downer to all of this is?  I was going to go see the most recent one at the theater because I have a few free movie passes sitting around. But the cost of the bus back and forth for Dave and I was the same amount as buying the movie online.

…So I bought it.  Now I own it.  It’s mine.

That’s real heartache. 


19 Responses to “I Forced Myself to Watch Twilight”

  1. egills November 29, 2011 at 9:43 am #

    Oh dear, I must admit I read the books so I would know what the girls were talking about, but the film is something I’m perfectly happy not to encounter. A bit like I read the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo books I watched the first movie and got quite angry that important bits were skipped over so I refuse point blank to watch films I’ve read ( except I did enjoy Lord of the Rings ).


    • Lori November 29, 2011 at 9:50 am #

      I enjoyed the Millennium series. Sad to read that the movie doesn’t compare. Boo!


    • Jackie December 4, 2011 at 5:15 pm #

      Well Lord of the Rings was well done. Really well done. In fact, I’m so stoked for The Hobbit to come out that I can barely contain my pee.


  2. Lori November 29, 2011 at 9:49 am #

    I’ve only seen Twilight once. It was the first of the series (are there 3?) and it was the RiffTrax version. I highly recommend that you never suffer through another movie as awkward as Twilight WITHOUT RiffTrax.


    • Clinton November 29, 2011 at 11:59 am #

      Came here to say this exactly. Since you bought the DVD, the only real way to cleanse yourself of the bad acting is to watch it again with Rifftrax.



      • Jackie December 4, 2011 at 5:09 pm #

        ooooooh how exciting. Thanks!


    • Jackie December 4, 2011 at 5:13 pm #

      I got another comment suggesting the same – I shall certainly look into it. 🙂


  3. Jules November 29, 2011 at 10:16 am #

    Vampires burn when they touch sunlight. They don’t glitter, shimmer, sparkle or look bedazzled in any way.

    Stephenie Meyer. Making vampires effeminate, one book at a time.



    • Jackie December 4, 2011 at 5:13 pm #

      I’m so mad at her for sucking so bad.


  4. pegoleg November 29, 2011 at 11:17 am #

    My one rule in life is; try new things, set aside old prejudices and embrace everything around you without shame. But I’ll make an exception to that rule in this case.


    • Jackie December 4, 2011 at 5:10 pm #

      It’s probably best. Save yourself.


  5. jaredblakedicroce November 29, 2011 at 11:41 am #

    Thank you, on behalf of all who have not already seen this — i felt the same way, dreaded when i would face it, and now i feel satisfied in never watching Twilight. Jackie, ur awesome! You just gave me time! What a gift!


    • Jackie December 4, 2011 at 5:10 pm #

      Maybe I should just go around doing things that intelligent people don’t want to waste their time with but also don’t want to judge prematurely. I could just go do all those things and report back. Maybe it’s my calling.


  6. paulbeforeswine November 29, 2011 at 1:39 pm #

    You really don’t inspire me to watch at least one Twilight movie so that I can have more material!


    • Jackie December 4, 2011 at 5:09 pm #

      haha yeah, you’ll have plenty. I could write 2000 words about how livid I am with the author for being so completely ignorant and apathetic toward what could have actually been a decent saga. Really sad on so many levels.

      That, and I’m just ashamed.


  7. Marylou November 29, 2011 at 3:16 pm #

    omg for real please just call me next time you want to go to the movies.


    if you’re going to submit yourself to such torture, i’m not sure i can be the enabler.

    or at least i refuse to partake.


  8. pickle November 29, 2011 at 5:21 pm #

    Twilight is so poorly written and developed: the movie script and the books. The characters are 2 dimensional. Bella has no depth. Edward is whiny. (Although I do have to admit I did go to the 9 oclock showing of Breaking Dawn the night before it came out and Charlie was hilarious! And the wedding toasts were hilarious, and I loved the back of Bella’s wedding dress but the front was bleh.)


    • Jackie December 4, 2011 at 5:07 pm #

      She threw everything away. Everything. The conflict, the possibility of an epic battle, the heartache for either Jake or Edward, the pain and sacrifice of leaving her family – all of it was too easy, and easy makes for a crap story.


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