A Rant from the Feminine Abyss

2 Dec

I’m think God gave women periods so that the times that they aren’t miserable, volatile, sour beings they actually seem to be quite lovely.

Or is that just me?

Sometimes I wish guys had to go through something similar.  I really do.  Because I’m sure it seems to some that if you go through something once a month every month for decades, eventually you get over it.  But you don’t.  Maybe other women all over the world do, but I totally don’t.  I don’t get over the feeling of going about my regular business and getting attacked by what feels like little feral mole rats grinding at my innards.  And the stupid commercials that make periods seem like a holiday parade make me want to throw a shoe at the television every time.  Not to mention the fact that we’re more likely to attract sharks.  Sharks.  About one quarter of my life can’t be spent in open waters. That’s serious business.

One time I found a very small hole in my sock while I was walking around the house and was so sad that it took 30 minutes for me to be coaxed out of my deep depression.  

You know what else I find annoying?  The fact that it costs so much to simply endure one week of the month.  Heating pads and drugs and magical cotton wonders of all kinds come at a high cost.  Sure, you can buy generic.  But you’ll regret it.   

Where, exactly, is the inconvenience for guys? There are no boobs to strap up, no heels to don, no cramps to endure… and to make a baby all they have to do have a romp in the hay, while women have to watch their bodies morph into monstrous human incubators – swollen and waddling, waiting for the beast to come forth.  And then when it does, it gets its food from the woman’s body

I’m not seeing where the compromise is here.  Can someone direct me to it?

So here’s my proposal.  I’ll endure the once-a-month.  Or the baby-incubating.  Or the baby-feeding.  Or the boob-containing. Or the menopause.  

But can we please just give one of those to the men?  It only seems fair.

Puppies and Sprinkles,

Obviously Menstrual Jackie 

Look at these. These hearts and butterflies aren't fooling anyone. I wish packaging could just be more straightforward. Maybe I'll start my own tampon line. "Feel gross? Buy these. You're welcome." Yeah. A snarky tampon company - that sounds like a legacy to leave.


23 Responses to “A Rant from the Feminine Abyss”

  1. Lori December 2, 2011 at 9:46 pm #

    Diva cup! Imagine how much I’ve saved since I started using it in 2007!


    • lys810 December 2, 2011 at 10:22 pm #

      Oh man, you beat me to it!
      Although, I use the moon cup (but it’s the same thing, really) It’s so much easier once you get the hang of it. I was so happy when I finally used my *last* tampon!


      • Jackie December 4, 2011 at 4:49 pm #

        uuuuuuuuuuuugh I don’t know if I can do this.


    • Jackie December 4, 2011 at 4:50 pm #

      I have so many girl friends chanting Diva Cup and I still think it’s totally gross. Then again so are cotton products, but I just don’t know. That’s not exactly a Lollipop Tuesday I can write about either 😉


      • Lori December 5, 2011 at 8:00 am #

        Stop it, you can totally do this. This is like the reusable grocery bags, all over again. Jackie is afraid of Lori’s use of something new. Jackie tries it later and realizes maybe Lori was on to something. See, easy peasy!


        • Jackie December 12, 2011 at 10:25 pm #

          except reusable grocery bags had nothing to do with my lady parts.


  2. anuntitledfeeling December 2, 2011 at 11:07 pm #

    Feels weird liking this as a guy, almost like I’m eavesdropping but it was a good insight and funny too


    • Jackie December 4, 2011 at 4:49 pm #

      Oh please eavesdrop any time at all. 😉


  3. Amy December 3, 2011 at 7:19 am #

    I am right there with you. Almost 20 years of this and it still hurts and annoys. And a good heating pad and drugs just dull it slightly. Maybe we should share the pain and for the duration of our monthly visitor we slap the snot out of any man daring to mess with us. Just a thought…


    • Jackie December 4, 2011 at 4:48 pm #

      You’re right – a heating pad and drugs really are just deceptive. They give you hope, but there’s no payoff.


  4. teamzuhl December 3, 2011 at 8:23 am #

    Thanks for saying what I never found the words to say!


  5. pegoleg December 3, 2011 at 10:21 am #

    I’m surprised Kotex has never come out with a maxi printed in bold letters “rent this space”. Wishing you chocolate, back-rubs and a speedy return to the land of the unplugged.


  6. I like boys who wear glasses December 3, 2011 at 10:31 am #

    When I have kids (if I ever have kids, to be correct), I want it to be two. I have suggested already several times during ‘baby talk’ with guys that if they like more (to complete their soccer team for example), they are free to have them themselves 🙂

    … but I always like to add: Imagine squeezing a small baseball out of your butt… Doesn’t that make you feel like child-birth is such a beautiful, spiritual experience 😉


    • Jackie December 4, 2011 at 4:46 pm #

      thanks for the imagery there. *shudder*

      I don’t know if I can even do one. I’m sure I will someday but watching my brothers go through the process of newborn years right now is by no means inspiring. 😉


  7. knotrune December 3, 2011 at 5:24 pm #

    I have a cunning way to avoid having them so often. I only have 3 or 4 a year! What they don’t tell you much about the pill is that although the standard usage is take to for 3 weeks then miss a week while you bleed, then start again, you don’t actually have to miss a week. I run 3 or 4 together. It’s brilliant, and also the periods themselves are much smaller. And they used to be quite heavy.

    Just need to solve the one about the big boobies and the shoulder pain from bras and I’m sorted…


    • Jackie December 4, 2011 at 4:45 pm #

      Though I’m sure you’ve got a perfectly acceptable system set up for yourself there, the idea of messing with it freaks me out. But if you find something doable for the boob/bra/rest of the feminine equation, please do let me know.


      • knotrune December 5, 2011 at 6:18 am #

        Since I never wanted kids it doesn’t bother me. I can see how it might worry someone who actually wants to use the stuff for it’s intended purpose 🙂


  8. Renee Mason December 4, 2011 at 12:06 pm #

    This reminds me that menopause truly can be a wondrous thing!


    • Jackie December 4, 2011 at 4:39 pm #

      I’m gonna need to pop out a baby or two first, but after that menopause sounds splendid.


  9. egills December 5, 2011 at 5:29 am #

    I’m not sure if I like the sound of this Diva Cup….

    I just leave the box out in full sight in the bathroom – if anyone wants to mess with me when that’s about more fool them 😀


    • Jackie December 12, 2011 at 10:27 pm #

      Oh, you announce it eh? That’s an interesting tactic…


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