MISSING: Ten Dollars (and My Dignity)

3 Dec

I’m mortified by what I’ve done.  I’ve hidden it from you all this week, and I feel awful about that.  It’s time to come clean.

I watched all the Twilight movies.

I did – every single one.   I even paid genuine American dollars to see the most recent installment in the theater.  I don’t even go to the movies anymore.  I have Netflix and use Redbox for a quick fix.  And when I don’t want to do either of those, I use Amazon instant download to rent something. All of that is far less expensive than nursing my movie habit in the theater.  Not to mention less dangerous, because every time I spent into the movie theater, a chatty teenager of the female persuasion giggles, talks to her friends, makes comments out loud throughout to the movie, and texts and plays on her phone.  That kind of behavior makes me want to slaughter people.

But I paid ten dollars to see this movie and was sad and disappointed.  Sickened even.  I feel dirty inside.  

This was all a sort of accident, really.  I started out by forcing myself to watch the first movie for my Lollipop Tuesday this week.  I found it to be awkward, poorly written, and not at all well done overall.  I really honestly felt like they had all the trappings for a good storyline but did a terrible job of throwing it together.  Then a few nights later, Dave and I were joking about what to do with some free time and bantered that we should watch the next Twilight movie.  I laughed, he laughed, and then we both realized that the other was kind of not joking.  Like we were curious if it got any better and still wondering what the hype was with everyone.  But when I pushed play, the storyline didn’t make any sense.  It was like we jumped in the middle of things and didn’t know how we got there.

Turned out I downloaded the 3rd, not the 2nd.

And we couldn’t just go right to the 3rd without having seen the 2nd.  That’s preposterous.  And since I didn’t want to watch it out of context but didn’t want to waste the money by not ever watching it at all, I downloaded the second.  Naturally.

So that’s how one through three happened.  I’m still kind of embarrassed by the whole thing.  But here’s the kicker: the third one was

I've endured your terrible acting and your unwillingness to open your mouth when you speak far too long. You owe me ten dollars. And my dignity.

actually kind of good.  Not like, a good movie.  But it followed all the rules of good movie-making (sans finding good actors, but they’ve stuck themselves there) and there were lots of awesome vampire fight scenes.  

They might sparkle like little fairies, but they fight a fast, gory fight. 

So I was left with the third movie, thinking that maybe the third one was what had everyone excited.  It was a lot less about Bella’s relationships and a lot more about killing stuff.  Then tonight, Dave and I decided to take a long walk.  Well, really, we started looking for a bus that took us to a different part of town and never found it – so we just started walking toward where we wanted to go.  About 6 miles later, we ended up there.  I was tired, I wanted to rest my feet, and I thought a movie would do us both good.  But looking down the list, I got to choose from Arthur Christmas, Happy Feet Two, Puss in Boots, Jack and Jill, Twilight, and the Muppets.  Oh, and 3 of those also came with their 3D counterparts.

I should have chosen the Muppets, I know.  But I feel strange paying to see a Muppets movie.  I feel like you rent Muppets movies.  There are no actions scenes, there are no awesome graphics.  I can see the Muppets on my own television and be just as satisfied.  I know now that this was a mistake from which I can never recover.

So that left Twilight.  And hey, I’d already seen the other three.  I could just see this fourth one and then be able to actually argue with people about why Twilight isn’t worth all the hoopla because I’m no longer ignorant.

It sucked.  Sucked in the kind of way that made me sad that I ever started it all or thought that I saw a glimpse of hope in the third movie.  Sucked in the kind of way that made me wish I’d seen something else on the list, even if it wasn’t Muppets.  I kept hoping something awesome would happen and that they’d embrace the almost-cool parts from the third installment.  But they didn’t.  Ever.

It ruined all its potential, and that’s the only thing I was holding out for.  I thought that maybe after four movies, they could realize what they have the ability to do and whip up something acceptable.  But they trashed the storyline, made half the movie a wedding and honeymoon (You get to see a nipple in a PG-13 movie.  Nipple! PG-13!), and made me want to strangle the writers and director even more than I wanted to strangle the teenage girl in front of me, chatting with her friend and flashing her phone around the front row like a torch lamp.

I don’t know what came over me this past week.  I’m really quite mortified.  I was going to try to keep it a secret from everyone I know, but I don’t think I’d be able to sleep.  I have fallen, my friends.  I searched and searched for some redeemable quality to a terrible movie saga, and came up empty and feeling foul.  I’ve made a huge mistake and I fear I’ll never be the same.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go take a shower and try to wash away the dirt that can never come clean. 

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24 Responses to “MISSING: Ten Dollars (and My Dignity)”

  1. Jules December 4, 2011 at 12:44 am #

    Can’t — get — CLEAN !!!!

    scrub scrub scrub

    Like

    • Jackie December 4, 2011 at 4:44 pm #

      I need a heavier duty soap. Much heavier. Fight Club heavy.

      Like

  2. Katherine Gordy Levine December 4, 2011 at 1:21 am #

    Have wondered what all the talk was about. Glad to have been enlightened. Glad I have given up vampire and horror movies long, long ago. Too scary for my old lady nerves. Some comics unwind me now.

    You’ve kept me clean, but added worries. What is the appeal. I am lost, cranky but trying to stay strong.

    Like

    • Jackie December 4, 2011 at 4:43 pm #

      The appeal is that there is honestly a pretty intriguing storyline underneath all the terrible presentation. And there’s a chance to teach a lesson and make a character respectable – but everything is thrown out the window by the author. It’s a big waste and has no payoff. Totally disappointing. You can check out some of the reviews on Amazon.com for Breaking Dawn to find about a million hardcore fans who feel the same way.

      Like

  3. pickle December 4, 2011 at 1:33 am #

    All right-I admit it…I was that teenage girl during that movie! Now I don’t usually talk during movies-as in this was a first-but I had to make fun of it! I was the one laughing during the serious parts…oops. Sorry to the lady that kept giving me dirty looks!

    Like

    • Jackie December 4, 2011 at 4:41 pm #

      You could have at least sat in the back. Jerk. 😛

      Like

      • pickle December 5, 2011 at 6:26 pm #

        I did…the very back row… At least I wasn’t the lady sitting in front of me that was laughing during the more spicey parts to…diffuse her discomfort (that’s my guess why she was laughing…)

        Like

  4. sanetes December 4, 2011 at 5:04 am #

    It’s amazing what people do when they are bored and tired, but without a life – no – mind and dignity saving media collection nearby.

    It pays off to have a stack of unread books and a selection of unseen movies that represent you fine-day-taste.

    I better go and check mine, so I won’t end up watching a horribly bad movie soon as well.

    Like

    • Jackie December 4, 2011 at 4:41 pm #

      yes, please make sure you’re stocked full on things to watch that won’t make you feel like an imbecile for giving them a chance. I’ll never be clean.

      Like

  5. Tana December 4, 2011 at 7:17 am #

    Main problem is not the movie making, I guess.
    You just can’t make a decent movie out of those books-that-shall-not-be-named. 😉

    Like

    • Jackie December 4, 2011 at 4:40 pm #

      They should have veered from the author’s writing for Breaking Dawn. They should have slapped her senseless and shown her the fan forums – where even 13 year olds could have told her what they wanted from the plot. Stupid.

      Like

  6. wordsweneversaid December 4, 2011 at 8:06 am #

    Scrub Jackie – scrub hard…

    *giggles*

    M.L.

    Like

  7. Bridgesburning Chris King December 4, 2011 at 1:28 pm #

    I saw the first three and was disappointed by the acting and the screen play as I love the books. My sis and I saw Breaking Dawn a couple of days ago and loved it! Definitely the best of all the movies we thought. I hated the movie Bridesmaids and the rest of the world loved it!

    Like

    • Jackie December 4, 2011 at 4:38 pm #

      Wow – really? Well ya’ll are certainly entitled to your opinion, but I really think she wrecked the entire storyline. Everything that made it interesting and had my holding on for a payoff was totally screwed. How she could have such a ripe plotline in her hands and such a huge following and throw it all in the dumpster makes me angry. And also makes me feel like an ass for thinking there was potential and wasting my time.

      Like

  8. thesinglecell December 4, 2011 at 6:31 pm #

    This makes me feel better for suddenly starting to like the Harry Potter movies. I’m sorry you had to go through all that… I think your instincts are good… you gotta just trust your instincts.

    Like

    • Jackie December 12, 2011 at 10:33 pm #

      HP movies weren’t bad. they had plot lines and character development and good actors strewn throughout. there’s no shame in love for the potter.

      Like

  9. pegoleg December 5, 2011 at 1:42 pm #

    By these sort of life experiences do we get stronger, like metal forged in a furnace. Sorry about the 10 bucks, though.

    Like

    • Jackie December 12, 2011 at 10:22 pm #

      I don’t feel stronger. I feel used. Thanks for the condolences – let me know if you feel badly enough to replace it and I’ll forward my address 😉

      Like

  10. JWo December 7, 2011 at 9:43 am #

    I never had any desire to watch the any of the Twilight movies because in our house vampires (and kites) are stupid.

    Then you go and tell me I can see a nipple in the movie and, as you know, even a hint of nudity can get me to watch a movie (http://wp.me/p1LaJk-9s)…

    But wait, it’s not man-nipple is it? I’d be really pissed off if that’s what you meant…

    Anyway, I made this for my wife last week but didn’t have it at home so I couldn’t send it your wait over the weekend.

    http://thelifeofjwo.wordpress.com/?attachment_id=1384

    Like

    • Jackie December 12, 2011 at 9:55 pm #

      No it’s for realsies nipple. Straight up Kristen Stewart nipple. It’s strategically placed in the spot where one might be so exhausted with the lack of plot advancement that they walk out.

      Haha thanks for sharing the pic – check this out if you haven’t encountered it already http://video.adultswim.com/robot-chicken/twilight-the-game.html

      Like

  11. Sean Lenhart December 7, 2011 at 9:44 pm #

    “I’ve made a huge mistake” Gob Bluth – Arrested Development
    The series and movie will redeem you soon

    Like

    • Jackie December 12, 2011 at 9:47 pm #

      Love, love, love. Smart comedy is hard to find.

      Like

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