I’m mortified by what I’ve done. I’ve hidden it from you all this week, and I feel awful about that. It’s time to come clean.
I watched all the Twilight movies.
I did – every single one. I even paid genuine American dollars to see the most recent installment in the theater. I don’t even go to the movies anymore. I have Netflix and use Redbox for a quick fix. And when I don’t want to do either of those, I use Amazon instant download to rent something. All of that is far less expensive than nursing my movie habit in the theater. Not to mention less dangerous, because every time I spent into the movie theater, a chatty teenager of the female persuasion giggles, talks to her friends, makes comments out loud throughout to the movie, and texts and plays on her phone. That kind of behavior makes me want to slaughter people.
But I paid ten dollars to see this movie and was sad and disappointed. Sickened even. I feel dirty inside.
This was all a sort of accident, really. I started out by forcing myself to watch the first movie for my Lollipop Tuesday this week. I found it to be awkward, poorly written, and not at all well done overall. I really honestly felt like they had all the trappings for a good storyline but did a terrible job of throwing it together. Then a few nights later, Dave and I were joking about what to do with some free time and bantered that we should watch the next Twilight movie. I laughed, he laughed, and then we both realized that the other was kind of not joking. Like we were curious if it got any better and still wondering what the hype was with everyone. But when I pushed play, the storyline didn’t make any sense. It was like we jumped in the middle of things and didn’t know how we got there.
Turned out I downloaded the 3rd, not the 2nd.
And we couldn’t just go right to the 3rd without having seen the 2nd. That’s preposterous. And since I didn’t want to watch it out of context but didn’t want to waste the money by not ever watching it at all, I downloaded the second. Naturally.
So that’s how one through three happened. I’m still kind of embarrassed by the whole thing. But here’s the kicker: the third one was
actually kind of good. Not like, a good movie. But it followed all the rules of good movie-making (sans finding good actors, but they’ve stuck themselves there) and there were lots of awesome vampire fight scenes.
They might sparkle like little fairies, but they fight a fast, gory fight.
So I was left with the third movie, thinking that maybe the third one was what had everyone excited. It was a lot less about Bella’s relationships and a lot more about killing stuff. Then tonight, Dave and I decided to take a long walk. Well, really, we started looking for a bus that took us to a different part of town and never found it – so we just started walking toward where we wanted to go. About 6 miles later, we ended up there. I was tired, I wanted to rest my feet, and I thought a movie would do us both good. But looking down the list, I got to choose from Arthur Christmas, Happy Feet Two, Puss in Boots, Jack and Jill, Twilight, and the Muppets. Oh, and 3 of those also came with their 3D counterparts.
I should have chosen the Muppets, I know. But I feel strange paying to see a Muppets movie. I feel like you rent Muppets movies. There are no actions scenes, there are no awesome graphics. I can see the Muppets on my own television and be just as satisfied. I know now that this was a mistake from which I can never recover.
So that left Twilight. And hey, I’d already seen the other three. I could just see this fourth one and then be able to actually argue with people about why Twilight isn’t worth all the hoopla because I’m no longer ignorant.
It sucked. Sucked in the kind of way that made me sad that I ever started it all or thought that I saw a glimpse of hope in the third movie. Sucked in the kind of way that made me wish I’d seen something else on the list, even if it wasn’t Muppets. I kept hoping something awesome would happen and that they’d embrace the almost-cool parts from the third installment. But they didn’t. Ever.
It ruined all its potential, and that’s the only thing I was holding out for. I thought that maybe after four movies, they could realize what they have the ability to do and whip up something acceptable. But they trashed the storyline, made half the movie a wedding and honeymoon (You get to see a nipple in a PG-13 movie. Nipple! PG-13!), and made me want to strangle the writers and director even more than I wanted to strangle the teenage girl in front of me, chatting with her friend and flashing her phone around the front row like a torch lamp.
I don’t know what came over me this past week. I’m really quite mortified. I was going to try to keep it a secret from everyone I know, but I don’t think I’d be able to sleep. I have fallen, my friends. I searched and searched for some redeemable quality to a terrible movie saga, and came up empty and feeling foul. I’ve made a huge mistake and I fear I’ll never be the same.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go take a shower and try to wash away the dirt that can never come clean. ♣