World, Meet My Butt

19 Dec

the hot new exercise trend

I am now the proud owner of a pair of super skin-tight, inappropriate workout pants.

I’m a little scared of them, actually.

Dave did this adorable thing yesterday when we were running errands in the afternoon where he would try to gauge my interest in the things I got distracted by to see if they would be appropriate Christmas gifts.  There’s a new athletic store that just came in right across from my favorite ice cream store (I know – rude) that I wanted to check out.  Inside were lots of super awesome looking, incredibly effective bits of workout gear.  I wouldn’t normally be excited for such a store, but I ran in the snow the other night and was a lot colder throughout the experience than I would have preferred – so I was up for anything that could solve my problems, especially if it was actually somewhat attractive.

Right now I’m wearing so many frumpy, misshapen layers that I look like the Junk Lady from Labyrinth. 

The Junk Lady: In case you're lost on my obscure cult classic references.

Dave encouraged me to try on a few things in spite of their jaw-dropping price tags and I instantly fell in love with two pieces. One was a fleece-lined sweatshirt with thumbholes and a built in neck scarf that was so simultaneously cozy and badass I could have fallen asleep in it and then woke up to run in it.  The other was the most serious pair of pants I’ve ever donned.  Fleece-lined, padded with some sort of magic wonder fibers, and lined with little hidden zippers and pockets for things I might need to tuck away while I run.

They were also super form-fitting.  Tight.  Like, hey-I-painted-my-buttocks-with-black-paint-and-went-for-a-run tight.

I would never in a million years imagine myself going out in public in them.  I considered not even opening the fitting room door to show Dave.  The second I did, the sales associate working the fitting counter perked up like she’d just come off a Bikram yoga high and shouted about how awesome they looked on me.  It took a lot for me to hold back from saying something snarky.  I’m surprised the pants even came in my size, as I had to sort through to the very back of the rack to acquire them.   I made a comment about how they were a little too form-fitting for me and that I didn’t know if I could leave the house in them.  She responded that everyone says that and that they don’t really make anything that isn’t form fitting.

Something related to their hiring requirements, I suppose.

At any rate, there I was in what felt like my underoos, staring at a size negative 2 and thinking about the ice cream I ate before I came in to try on these spray-painted-on leggings.  And even though I should have felt like a fatty fat and told myself to rip them off quickly before anyone else saw me and suffered a stroke from the shock, I had to admit that they were incredibly comfortable.  And warm.  And the answer to all of my winter-running problems.

I told myself I run in the early morning or late at night and no one would be able to see me in them anyway.  I also told myself that maybe the fact that people can clearly see the location of my butt crack would inspire me to run faster, as to blur the details of my rearend in a flash of speed.

I looked at every mirror angle possible and agreed that the pants were not flattering in any of them, but I was shopping for function and not form and would do as I pleased.  There was a small part of me that mentioned I’d be running for another 6 weeks yet and somewhere in there, I’d eventually start to look better in them.  So I stared at the super comfy sweater that looked great on me and made me want to sleep and run at the same time and then again back at my super tight, super inappropriate pants.

And I chose the pants.

Dave managed to pick up the tab on what was a perfect Christmas gift because it inspired me to do better, supported my current goal, and would stop my legs from being beet red when I return from a chilly run.  The pants were an all-encompassing gift of love and henceforth they shall be painted on to my buttocks to enhance the appearance of jiggliness while I run.  Maybe after I make it to week 7, I can go back for the sweatshirt as a reward.

I’ll just have to make it a size long enough to pull down over my butt cheeks. ♣

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14 Responses to “World, Meet My Butt”

  1. Adrienne schmadrienne December 19, 2011 at 10:29 am #

    Good job on the C25k! I bought new gear too and that helped me stick to the program. Good luck, week 5 really ramps up if I remember correctly.

    Like

    • Jackie December 23, 2011 at 1:23 pm #

      yeah, I’m finding week 4 challenging. I’m pretty sure week 5 will slay me. AAAAAH!

      Like

  2. egills December 19, 2011 at 10:34 am #

    I don’t think they ever invented flattering sportswear…. unless you live in the gym and have a super fit abnormal body.

    Like

    • Jackie December 23, 2011 at 1:22 pm #

      i.e., every employee at Lululemon. seriously, what are those people made of?!

      Like

  3. pegoleg December 19, 2011 at 10:47 am #

    I’m pleased to meet your butt. Now, go to the nearest I-HOP, order an extra-large pancake, and observe how it’s flat giganticness fills the plate. My butt says hi to you and yours.

    Like

    • Jackie December 23, 2011 at 1:22 pm #

      this made me laugh out loud at work when I read it. thanks for the image.

      Like

  4. Jules December 19, 2011 at 1:22 pm #

    Nobody is going to care Jackie. Sure, I sometimes get looks ‘down there’ when my running tights are outlining my junk, but it’s a fleeting moment. People don’t seriously hang onto those thoughts. They notice you for a second or two and then they’re back to business as usual.

    Keep rockin’ it!

    Like

    • Jackie December 23, 2011 at 1:21 pm #

      And rockin’ it I am. Because this is getting to be so challenging that I don’t even notice that other people exist. I’m just trying to breathe and push through to the next interval. *gasp* 🙂

      Like

  5. sanetes December 19, 2011 at 4:38 pm #

    You are doing great with your running! I thought starting it at this time of year was a bit of a problem because of the weather, but you found a solution!

    I walk a lot, any time of year, in the city or in the countryside. It took me a while to find clothes that I liked and kept me warm and dry or cool and dry. The best option seem to be the outdoor shops, where people go who want to walk to the North Pole or through the Sahara. Very few silly looking things there, but those clothes work well.

    Like

    • Jackie December 23, 2011 at 1:19 pm #

      Part of what keeps me going is that I get rid of as many obstacles as possible – one of which is being too cold to go. And I’m also coming to the conclusion that I’m just going to have to look silly on days where it’s so bitter cold my teeth hurt. I might even make a new rule for myself: if it looks ridiculous, it will be effective. 🙂

      Like

  6. whatimeant2say December 19, 2011 at 9:17 pm #

    You DESERVE those pants, as far as I’m concerned. I would have quit running after Day 2. And I definitely would have never started if it was cold! You go, Girl!

    Like

    • Jackie December 23, 2011 at 1:16 pm #

      haha weeelll I’m just finishing up week four. Next week I’ll be half way through, and it’s starting to go from “challenging” to “really freaking hard”. We’ll see how it goes.. 🙂 thanks for the encouragement!

      Like

  7. knotrune December 20, 2011 at 5:53 am #

    You can always disguise it with layers, like tying a sweatshirt round your waist with the body covering your behind, or loose shorts worn over the leggings, or a long loose t-shirt or tunic. (You may realise I have a similar problem – well, the large butt, not the running. Wish I could, but arthritic knees do not allow running.)

    Like

    • Jackie December 23, 2011 at 1:15 pm #

      ooh I love these little butt hiding techniques! Thanks for sharing. Of course, I hope that in a few weeks I won’t want to cover it…

      Like

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