The Best Baby Shower Ever

13 Feb

Man, I hate baby showers.

I pretty much hate all showers that don’t include water. It mostly has to do with the idea of so much estrogen stuffed into a room together, and a little to do with the fact that it’s a social engagement and requires me to leave me apartment.

So I was forced into the light of day this past weekend to celebrate the inevitable arrival of my next nephew, already dubbed David. This presents an awkward problem for me, since my David is named…David. I feel very strange calling a very small human who is related to me by blood the same thing I call a very large human who I find attractive.  I’m trying to come up with a nickname for the squirt, but I also call my form of the human David both “Davey” and “Dave”, so those are out as alternatives. Someone suggested “Li’l D” but that’s  too mediocre-white-rapper for my taste. I could go by his middle name, but the middle name is a tribute to my brother, so that’s another hot mess.

Anyway I was at a baby shower celebrating the almost fully baked muffin and was the only female in the room who had not had a child. Or snagged a husband.

For those of you unawares, when you’ve been with someone for five years and/or you’re closing in on 30, it’s virtually impossible to attend adult social engagements without being badgered about when the big day is.  And now that America is all willy-nilly about the importance of getting married before having babies, I’m not even asked when I’m getting married anymore; they just hop right to “so when do you think you’ll have kids?!”

For the record, both of these questions are rude.  And annoying. Please stop it.

But that’s just the surface of why baby showers are so awful.  The real reason is that when you’re trapped in a room with a bunch of moms who haven’t had a chance to get out in a while and connect with other moms, they want to talk about mom stuff.  In my case, pretty much everyone was a relatively new mom and were the proud owners of wobbly toddlers. With the topic of the day being an impending birth, it was only a matter of time before conversation veered toward the inevitable: the miracle of  childbirth also known as the disgusting process of labor.

I have a lot of questions about labor that I don’t really want to know the answer to.  They didn’t cover the details in my health class. All I remember is a video that had absolutely no warning attached to it showing me things I never dreamed I would be shown against my will.  I try to avoid discussion surrounding labor because I’m afraid that when it’s confirmed that you really do poop yourself in the process, I’m never going to allow myself to have children.

At a baby shower, labor-related discussions are inevitable.  Because just when you’re ready to hunker down with a meatball sub and some cake, everyone starts talking about the pain of pushing a watermelon-sized human out their hoo-has like it’s no big deal.

It’s not their fault, really.  It’s just that they’re moms; the things they’ve seen in the process of caring for a creature that is unable to eat, clean, or poop on its own has turned them into unflinching warriors of bodily functions.  I admire it, really.  There’s something to be said for someone who can discover a human turd on the floor and clean it up without protest or surprise. That’s the kind of warrior moms are. I’m just not there yet.  I don’t know if I’ll ever be there. I find turds to be quite alarming.

In the spirit of inclusion, I should note that dads are capable of turd removal as well, but they are not emphasized in this post because I’ve never been to a baby shower that includes men.  And I’ve never known one who has gone through labor and lived to talk about it.

So for lots of reasons, I would prefer to not have to attend showers ever again.  Unless, that is, the nature of the shower changes. Perhaps instead of playing baby-related games and showering someone with presents, we could all go play paintball together.  The expectant mother could hole up in a fort with snacks and her friends could divide up into two teams and play Capture the Expectant Mother. Or everyone could go play laser tag together and to make it fair for the soon-to-be-mom, everyone could wear fake bellies.

Capture the unborn child.

Capture the unborn child.

I’m not really sure why these haven’t already become social sensations.

So I guess I’ll throw it out there.  The next shower I attend should employ these simple suggestions or something in the same spirit. 

Even if I have to wait ’til my own. 

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23 Responses to “The Best Baby Shower Ever”

  1. Jules February 13, 2013 at 2:47 pm #

    I like this idea. +1

    Like

    • Jackie February 20, 2013 at 2:41 pm #

      Jules! I put up an inspiration board in my room today complete with weight, measurements, before and after photos, and other various tools of motivation. If I get through this 365, you have to be nice to me in 2014.

      Like

      • Jules February 20, 2013 at 2:48 pm #

        Logging progress is a great idea. It helps you see how far you’ve come along.

        Also, no promises for niceness in 2014 as I am not a nice person, but I am fair!

        huehuehue

        Like

  2. Suzi February 13, 2013 at 3:06 pm #

    And shopping for the baby shower is awful, too. Not ever having had a baby, I don’t have enough knowledge to be able to buy useful things that aren’t on the registry. And I’ve never experienced a registry trip to Babies R Us that did not include me yelling at someone, throwing things on the floor, and crying.

    Like

    • Jackie February 20, 2013 at 2:40 pm #

      ahaha I love it.

      I have a serious problem knowing what to buy at certain stages. I don’t know how people the developmental stages vs. toys thing together- are they shaking, sucking, grabbing, pulling – whatever.

      I’ve always just put my name on my mom’s gifts and given her money if I didn’t know what to get people but I suppose I’m too old for that now.

      Like

  3. girlstayingsingle February 13, 2013 at 5:53 pm #

    Perhaps a good idea is to do a pub crawl dressed in onesies and the expectant mum has to drive you all around in a bus? I’d go to that.

    Like

    • Jackie February 20, 2013 at 2:38 pm #

      that poor expectant mum. can you imagine if she went into labor and had a bunch of drunk moms trying to get her to the hospital?

      Like

  4. Dyl February 13, 2013 at 6:35 pm #

    Those ideas sound better than any of the showers I’ve been to. I figured out that showers aren’t for me because I am not dainty. I don’t like finger food (well I do like finger food, just not the minute portions), take lady like bites, small talk, or find myself able to eat off my lap. Also, at my age, the best thing that anyone can think to talk about with me is college. BO-RING!

    Like

  5. pegoleg February 13, 2013 at 10:39 pm #

    Babies don’t drop turds on the floor. The substance that escapes their diapers is more like the worlds’ foulest smelling concoction of chili, pea soup, glue and dog crap. Just FYI.

    Like

    • Jackie February 20, 2013 at 2:37 pm #

      that is absolutely disgusting. thank you.

      Like

  6. Ro February 13, 2013 at 10:57 pm #

    Apparently my computer is fond of baby/bridal showers, because this is now my fourth attempt to respond to this post. All previous attempts to express my anger and hatred of showers have been unexpectedly deleted by my miserable keyboard. So, my weary soul has decided not to embark on yet another rant. Instead, I will just confirm that you and I may still, in fact, share the same brain.

    Like

    • Jackie February 20, 2013 at 2:36 pm #

      I’m so bummed I didn’t get the first three freakouts. I’ll be they were angry.

      We don’t share the same brain because you hated Lord of the Rings. We obviously aren’t even the same species anymore. I’m pretty disappointed.

      Like

  7. craftynail February 13, 2013 at 11:37 pm #

    The next baby shower that I go to better be my own, dammit!

    Like

    • Jackie February 20, 2013 at 2:36 pm #

      just throw yourself one. it’s bold, but you’ll get one. 😉

      Like

  8. knotrune February 14, 2013 at 6:34 am #

    I’m so glad we don’t have this tradition my side of the pond! I never ever wanted kids, people would keep saying my body clock would kick in eventually, but at 40 it still hasn’t. Just as well my husband agrees. My cat is plenty for me, I can manage cat turds. I agree, it is rude to ask. I have a friend who had cancer so it’s not an option for her, fortunately she never wanted them either, but people should consider things like that before being so intrusive.

    Like

    • Jackie February 20, 2013 at 2:35 pm #

      No baby showers over there, eh? Do you have anything equivalent?

      Like

      • knotrune February 21, 2013 at 5:14 am #

        I’ve never been in a position to find out, but I don’t think so. It’s before the baby is born isn’t it? We usually give baby gifts after it’s been born.

        Like

        • Jackie February 27, 2013 at 3:16 pm #

          Aye – beforehand. I suppose it’s done for the sake of convenience because no one wants company after the baby is delivered. Or maybe I just know too many shut-ins.

          Like

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