My Contribution to Humanity

20 Feb

Guys, this is the moment we’ve been waiting for.  Well, me.  I’ve been waiting for.  But I know that deep down all along you’ve been rooting for me and so this will mean almost as much to you as it does to me.

Guys. NASA  hires people to stay in bed all day and let them study the effect it has on your body. They pay a lot, too.  Like $5,000 a month for three months.

THREE MONTHS.  That’s $15,000.  That’s a down payment on a house or a car or the best vacation of my life or helping 15 of my friends do something amazing or a wedding or any link to the next step in my life I want it to be.  And all just to sit in a bed.

So hear me out.  NASA needs subjects.  They’re willing to pay them handsomely for their participation.  The first two weeks is prep, the 60 days in the middle are all in bed, and the last two weeks are recovery. That’s 60 days of performing all bodily functions in bed, including using the restroom and bathing.  You have access to television, movies, and video game consoles. I’m serious.  Here’s proof.  And more proof. AND MORE PROOF.

Do you know what this means? Do you!? This means that I could get paid to play World of Warcraft.

As many longtime readers know, I have spent the last several years as a recovering WoW player.  At the lowest point in my journey, I could eat an entire pizza and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream and go unshowered for five days before it started to bother me. I was so holed up in my addiction that in order to spend time with me, a friend in college carried his desktop computer from his dorm to my apartment so that he could plug it in and play computer games at the same time as me. It was the only way  I would entertain notions of social engagement.

Of course, a part of my soul was truly happy there in Azeroth, but I was a smelly pile of zombie-brained raid-driven flesh accomplishing nothing and spending all my money on pizza I hid under my bed instead of putting in the fridge downstairs.  So I can’t really say it was a positive life choice.

For those of you unacquainted, it wasn’t unlike this:

from South Park "Make Love, Not Warcraft". Check it out here: http://www.southparkstudios.com/full-episodes/s10e08-make-love-not-warcraft

from South Park’s “Make Love, Not Warcraft”. Full episode here: http://www.southparkstudios.com/full-episodes/s10e08-make-love-not-warcraft

I quit cold turkey twice.  The second time I was actually successful, mostly because I had uninstalled it from everything I owned and gotten rid of the only computer I had capable of handling the graphics.

I have existed WoW-free all these years mostly because I cannot make the argument that it is helping me achieve my goals in life, that it doesn’t pay the bills, and that I get to dangerous levels of hermit-like social interaction when under its power.  But then NASA announced that they want to pay me to stay in bed and play Warcraft all day for 60 days straight and that when I’m done they would hand me enough cash to do something big and adult-like in my life, thereby propelling the timeline of my adulthood forward and making family and relatives more comfortable about my life choices.

I need to play WoW to serve my country. People want to go to Mars and stuff.

Of course, in order to qualify for patriotic astronaut testing duty, I have to pass a fitness test.  So it’s a good thing I’ve been doing my Project Fatass 365, because I might actually be able to now.

It’s like this opportunity was meant solely for me.

All right, I’m off to do my last session of hateshredding with Jillian Michaels before I step it up and find a program that will make me suitable for a space mission.  Well, a space mission in bed. With Cheetos.

God Bless America. 

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16 Responses to “My Contribution to Humanity”

  1. Jules February 20, 2013 at 2:41 pm #

    Yus! Sign me up.

    Too bad The Barrens will never be the same after Cataclysm patch.
    I miss the vanilla days sooo much.

    Like

    • parentsfriend February 21, 2013 at 11:03 am #

      Reblogged this on my parents blog as a suggestion for parents needing up moving young adults out of house.

      Like

      • parentsfriend February 21, 2013 at 11:15 am #

        Well, the reblog didn’t work, so pressed it and will point to it in a blog post, will let you know when.

        Like

        • Jackie February 27, 2013 at 3:15 pm #

          Thank you so much – I appreciate the lovin 🙂

          Like

    • Jackie February 27, 2013 at 3:19 pm #

      How can you be a fitness enthusiast AND like WoW? It seems so… so impossible

      Like

  2. josefkul February 20, 2013 at 2:41 pm #

    Will you be renewing your WoW accounts upon news of your future employment with NASA.

    Like

    • Jackie February 27, 2013 at 3:19 pm #

      Oh heck yes. At 5 grand a month, I can afford to renew. 😉

      Like

  3. pouringmyartout February 20, 2013 at 2:47 pm #

    It is just so nice to learn that there are still people with goals out there…

    Like

    • Jackie February 27, 2013 at 3:19 pm #

      I’m going to assume this was said without a shred of sarcasm 😉 I dig the pics on your site, btw!

      Like

      • pouringmyartout February 27, 2013 at 4:57 pm #

        I never do sarcasm. Okay, that sounded a little sarcastic even to me… sorry… and thanks.

        Like

  4. kitchenmudge February 23, 2013 at 2:22 pm #

    Wasn’t it Li’l Abner that had a job as a mattress tester?

    Like

    • Jackie February 27, 2013 at 3:15 pm #

      Indeed! Crescent cutter to mattress tester. Perhaps I’ll just reverse the order.

      Like

  5. desireepurvis February 25, 2013 at 10:52 am #

    You’ve been nominated for being an inspriational blogger!

    http://desireepurvis.wordpress.com/2013/02/25/you-win-again/

    Like

    • Jackie February 27, 2013 at 3:14 pm #

      Thanks, Desiree! I love the look of your blog. The ragamuffins at the top are cuties. I should note that I’ve ranted about blogger chain awards in the past (https://thejackieblog.com/2011/10/03/how-do-you-feel-about-blogger-chain-awards), though I’m always thankful to receive one, don’t pass them on. So thanks a bunch! And in case you’re gripping the edge of your seat for 7 random facts about me, here goes:

      1) I weighed 11.5 pounds when I was born. Talk about a lifetime struggle.
      2) I once cut my head on a metal volleyball cart at practice and passed out from lack of blood in front of my team.
      3) I once cut my finger while trying to cut a piece of cardboard with a kitchen knife and passed out from lack of blood in my kitchen.
      4) I pass out a lot.
      5) I had 6 wisdom teeth before I got them cut out. Apparently, 6 wisdom teeth is a thing. The extra two probably gave me super powers that I’ll never be able to fully harness now.
      6) I frequently go about my day to find that my underwear have been inside out all along at the end of it.
      7) I once sang in the Macy’s Day Parade

      Like

  6. Mark Petruska February 26, 2013 at 11:59 am #

    A human bedbug. I like it! Good luck with this inspirational goal. We’ll be rooting for you. 🙂

    Like

    • Jackie February 27, 2013 at 3:07 pm #

      Inspirational might be a stretch 😉 Thanks for reading!

      Like

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