Pasties Make Me Squeamish

16 Apr

Where in the hell have I been?

That’s a great question. I’ve been lots of places. I’ve been to a burlesque show, to Montreal, to court for jury duty, and to market to snag a new job. That’s a lot of things to do and none of them really have anything to do with my absence. It was moreso that I stumbled upon an unintended spring break. As I went longer and longer without posting, the part of my brain that has the ability to write things and push the ‘post’ button began to deteriorate. After a few weeks I was consumed with shame and harbored a modicum of fear that I would be unable to write anything worthy of being posted and thus, failed to post. Week after week after week.

Then I remembered that’s not what we’re about here. If I refrained from posting when I had nothing worthy to say, there would have been about 360 less posts in the year of 2011 and 14 in total in 2012 and 2013. You know this. I know this. And so we will all press on together – worthy or not.

I owe you a post about titties and so you shall have it. Happy Lollipop Tuesday, ladies and gents.

I know it’s Wednesday today but dammit, I can’t make excuses anymore. Just pretend this posted on a Tuesday so I can keep the whole bit going.

I went to a burlesque show. I didn’t want to go. But I have a friend with whom I have been quite enamored since middle school and she busies herself with a smorgasbord of ever-changing performance gigs. At the moment, the gig is singing and removing clothes.

There’s more to it than that. I’m obligated to say something or other about how burlesque is rooted in vaudeville and is less a stripping-for-money thing than it is a singing-and-empowering-art-of-costuming-and-teasing thing. 

Frankly, I don’t care about any of that. I hated it.

I came prepared to like it. I have a few lady friends who frequent burlesque shows and told me they can be empowering and lovely. I’ll admit that initially, there was a part of me that was a little inspired by seeing so many unique female bodies. It reminded me that beauty takes many forms and that there is no need to be ashamed of all things that jiggle and are not magazine-esque.

That was where the magic ended.

First, for those of you who have yet to attend a fancy titty dance, let me give you the lay of the land for this particular event. There was a stage, there were seats, there were two male emcees that said silly and distasteful things between acts and sometimes participated, and there were lots of beautiful, bendy, talented women who would either dance together in a group piece that stripped down to pasties or a solo act that stripped down to pasties. 

Pasties are the goal line, it seems. 

Once upon a time I thought myself the kind of gal who would be able to go out with the guys to a strip joint, laugh, put some singles in some panties, and have a great ironic time. I don’t know why I thought that. That person was stupid. I don’t like seeing women take their clothes off, by their own choice or not, while people hoot and holler at them. It makes me feel gross. Maybe that makes me a prude. I’ve been known to be prudish and I’m okay with it I guess because there’s no denying something deep and animalistic was fighting against the experience the entire time my cheeks were in the seat.

Admittedly, I may have made a few choice errors. Firstly, that I sat in the front. But with Lollipop Tuesdays, you go big or go home, kids, and so I took the front seat and prepared to be dazzled. Dave offered me a drink (because one must try to bring a Dave to a Lollipop Tuesday when one can) but I refused. I wanted to see the glory stone-cold sober.

Front row, sober. Mistakes perhaps. 

Back in the day, I would go so out of my way to save myself from discomfort that eventually I stopped doing uncomfortable things altogether and just flatly rejected any situation or potential for a situation where I might not be at ease. Now that I’m a seasoned veteran of Lollipop Tuesdays, I actively seek out those very situations so that I am forced to either change my perspective on them or to decline from somewhere other than a place of ignorance.

I was once the queen of comfortable ignorance. But no more. Now, I dislike burlesque because I went and I saw and I squirmed. I am now an educated objector.

I suspect the second piece of the show was what did me in.

The premise of the first piece was that a man had found an island of she-beasts who prepared to cook him up and eat him while he unknowingly delighted in the view. Yadda, yadda, pasties.

The second piece, however, was a line of women from one side of the stage to the other and one of the male emcees moving from right to left, asphyxiating, smothering, or otherwise incapacitating each of them and then proceeding to take advantage of their lifeless bodies.

That one didn’t end in pasties. Or maybe it did but I was just blinded by rage. 

This particular piece may have changed the way I saw the ones that followed it. I had a lot of conflicting feelings during the time I served as audience and many of them would have led me out the back of the theater if I hadn’t been bound by the honor system I so rigorously enforce on myself for this very blog. 

It was like this except there wasn't any fire. See those pasties that give you an experience not unlike seeing her actual breasts? That part makes me real squirmy.

It was like this except there wasn’t any fire. And don’t worry – those are pasties, not nipples. I’ve been told it’s a notable difference.


During intermission, Dave bought me a drink. It was a wise choice; he’s a good man. In the future, I shall view objectified women in pasties only when tipsy. There is no other way.

So maybe it’s fair to say that I could have entered this show, sat in the middle three sheets to the wind and I might have enjoyed it. Probably not. I suspect that the feministy things that stew in my belly cannot be removed by sheer force of alcohol. No, I suspect that would just exaggerate things for me. But there’s my disclaimer.

I was a good sport and bought a key chain and waxed academic with the dancers after the show. They were all lovely and part of me admires the courage, physical strength, choreography, and costuming artistry of what they do because they are fellow performers and the work should not go unnoticed. They are thoroughly impressive ladies. But beyond that I’m girdled with the belief that people should be nude behind closed doors. Blame Baptist school if it pleases you, but I’ll stay home next time.

Whew. There we are. That’s a whole post right there. Now I just have tales of Canada, jury duty, and the regular drum of my exaggerated life experiences to go. I’m back on the wagon, ducklings. Happy Spring. 

By the way, I’m still doing 30 Day Challenges all year for 2014. So far I’ve conquered the ever-present Jillian Michaels, forced daily reading, and sugar restriction. This month, I’m keeping a food journal. Perhaps it will help me identify all the things I will miss when I attempt to go vegan later this year. You can join me any time by doing anything at all for 30 Days. Click here to learn more about the beauty of self-torture and sweet release.


32 Responses to “Pasties Make Me Squeamish”

  1. FitsofWit April 16, 2014 at 8:37 am #

    I went to my first male strip show ever and I was like “Hell yeah, front row!!!” Never again.
    Like you, I like to try everything at least once. A burlesque show may be in my future.
    Great post!


    • Jackie April 18, 2014 at 10:46 am #

      Oh my.. a male strip show… I wonder how that would have been different for me. I could remove all those feministy feelings for a moment, maybe? But then the humanist is still there so who knows. THE CONFLICTS.


  2. Ice_Badger April 16, 2014 at 8:52 am #

    ok…I was half way through the post before I realised what pasties were!

    I assumed at first that you were talking about the pastry wrapped foodstuff and failed completely to see how this was the conclusion of a burlesque show of any description!
    I was utterly baffled, until the picture…

    If it helps, I don’t think I would like it either 🙂


    • nancytex2013 April 16, 2014 at 10:46 am #

      Oh Sam, you just made me cry laughing. 🙂 Only you!


    • Jackie April 18, 2014 at 10:47 am #

      Thanks for the vote of support 🙂 I didn’t think to explain pasties! I was iffy on that picture because it makes me uncomfortable, but that’s the bloody point so I guess it works out.


      • Ice_Badger April 18, 2014 at 11:20 am #

        Would it be better or worse if they had pastry stuck on?


        • Jackie April 27, 2014 at 9:52 pm #

          oh worse. much worse. but better if they gave them out. everything is made better with food (so long as that food isn’t attached to naked, sweaty skin)


          • Ice_Badger April 28, 2014 at 5:24 am #

            food, should never be attached to naked sweaty skin…


  3. milqdudz April 16, 2014 at 11:23 am #

    What a treat! I’m a new follower and am already engaged. You see, I too harbor an almost stomach churning dread where burlesque is concerned. I cannot hide far enough back in the room to shield myself from the need to drink and hide my head in my hands.

    I too was reminded of meat pies, to my delight. An unexpected perk.


    • Jackie April 18, 2014 at 10:58 am #

      Thanks for following – I’m flattered! I don’t even know what to make of the meat pies comment. There are many things that come to mind but none are appropriate.


      • milqdudz April 18, 2014 at 12:16 pm #

        I refer to the delicious, flaky, meat and vegetable stuffed mini pies. Spelled the same, mine would be completely inappropriate for obscuring nipples. Pasties vs pasties, who knew?

        Come visit my blog Tripping Over Cancer, it’s a pastie free zone. For now anyway…


        • Jackie April 27, 2014 at 9:50 pm #

          Oh! Ohhh I see. I don’t know why it took me so long to figure out why people were talking about meat pies. Thank you. 🙂

          I like the way you write! Would have left a comment when I dropped by but you don’t allow it except on your about page, it seems.


          • milqdudz April 27, 2014 at 10:07 pm #

            Sorry, I’m new to this and am working things out one thing at a time. I thought I allowed moderated comments, but I could have it all wrong. Any suggestions are very welcome, I will look at this tomorrow and try to resolve it.

            Thanks for letting me know!


          • Jackie April 27, 2014 at 10:27 pm #

            Oh, no trouble at all! I just didn’t want you to think I hadn’t stopped by. If you’d like to adjust your settings in that area, I believe you can go to your dashboard -> settings -> discussion


          • milqdudz April 28, 2014 at 9:09 am #

            <3. Thanks a ton.


  4. ML April 16, 2014 at 2:11 pm #

    I’m proud of you for going – you’re braver than me. 🙂 I am 100% with you though ❤ even if I can get past the nudity, that piece would have made me throw up all over the performers on principle. Sober or no.


    • Jackie April 18, 2014 at 10:56 am #

      Thanks! I might try again someday… I have a friend who claims she goes to a very empowering one and I’m curious as to whether there is a different between that and what I saw or if I just really don’t like the form in general.


  5. pegoleg April 16, 2014 at 2:33 pm #

    I feel like I called you forth from the non-blogging depths with my post today about trying 3 new things. As the original Trier of New Things via Lollipop Tuesdays, you’re probably way ahead of me.

    Apparently burlesque is a great new/retro way to refer to stripping so it sounds like art? Riiiiiiiight. I’ve never been to a live show, but I find the whole idea really, really depressing. Especially since I have now-adult daughters.


    • Jackie April 18, 2014 at 10:55 am #

      Well Peg if you have any success getting your readers to actually try new things, let me know. And if you try something newer than crispy chicken, let me know too. So I can add you to my wall of fame that’s in the works 😛


  6. Jules April 16, 2014 at 3:06 pm #

    You didn’t get strong drinks before the show? Mistakes were made…


    • Jackie April 18, 2014 at 10:54 am #

      In my defense, I suspected this.


  7. mid-life crisis April 16, 2014 at 5:26 pm #

    I hate burlesque…every time I go…especially on half-price Tuesdays…hate it, hate it, hate it.

    Really hate pasties, especially the ones with tassels on them that spin playfully along with the dancer’s hypnotic gyrations…especially hate that!


  8. Samantha April 16, 2014 at 6:37 pm #

    I think the nudity would have been empowering, but the actual second act would have probably made me get up and leave too. That sounds really upsetting.

    I’m glad you stayed through, and it sounds like Dave did the right thing to buy you a drink. 🙂


    • Jackie April 18, 2014 at 10:53 am #

      He’s a good fellow. I have a good friend who was baffled by my experience and there’s a chance I’ll go seek out whatever supposedly empowering burlesque she attends to see if there is really a difference or if I just don’t like people prancing around in pasties.


  9. Desire April 17, 2014 at 3:51 am #

    I’ve never been to any kind of stripshow and now I feel totally deprived!


    • Jackie April 18, 2014 at 10:52 am #

      Well by all means, go! I’d love to hear your thoughts. Or you could just live vicariously through me. Only problem then is that you’re subject to a variety of anxieties that plague me.


  10. silkpurseproductions April 17, 2014 at 12:58 pm #

    Personally, I would like to thank you for biting the bullet on that one for me. I have yet to witness a “burlesque” show except for the Cher and Christina version in the movie of the same name. Somehow I don’t think there would be any comparison.
    I’m looking forward to hearing about your visit to my country.


    • Jackie April 18, 2014 at 10:50 am #

      Oh, yes! Montreal. I loved it. I’ll have more to share (and pictures, of course) for my next Lollipop Tuesday post. I’m so very glad I went. Fine piece of the country you have there, but I hear I need to really go to the west to see the beautiful bits. And someone on the plane back was telling me about Calgary, which sounds lovely as well.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. tzenlong April 20, 2014 at 12:07 pm #

    good evening, good day! evening, is fine.


    • Jackie April 27, 2014 at 9:46 pm #

      Hello to you too! Thanks for stopping by 🙂


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