The Jackie Blog

After an evening in hell with the Competitive Scrabble Club last week, you’d think it a struggle to find something more exhausting and stressful, but I did:  Barbacking.

Happy Lollipop Tuesday, ya’ll.

I’ve been fortunate enough lately to have readers suggest ideas for my Lollipop Tuesdays not only online (via the comment section on my “What’s Lollipop Tuesday” page), but also those who know me personally via text and in-person.  Some of them have even gone so far as to arrange the events for me so that all I have to do is show up and humiliate myself.

Like this past week, for example.

Thanks to a loyal reader, I was invited to my favorite bar downtown (read: only one I go to) to be subjected to barbacking for an evening.  For those of you who need a clue, barbacking is basically playing slave to the bartender.  You wash dishes, prep food, clean, pour beers, stock the cooler, get ice… you get the idea.  So last Wednesday I worked my regular 8-5, and then headed downtown to be treated like a lowly peasant from 9-3.   And let me assure you: working an 8am-3am is not an experience I treasured.

I think most of my suck factor was wrapped up in the fact that I never drank in college.  I had my first taste of alcohol at 22 years old, so I had little to offer in the way of, well, anything.   I’m a fast learner and I’ve had a lot of jobs for my age, so the evening was like an intense crash course for a job I never intended on returning to.  

It was pure craziness.

Luckily, the same bartender works every Wednesday evening  (open mic night) and luckily, I tip him well.  Because there was nothing but his good graces that could carry me through an evening of stupidity.   And besides almost knocking over an entire rack of crystal, tossing out someone’s unfinished beer at the end of the night when they were still lingering around, and general ignorance about every aspect of bartending in general, I’d say I did pretty well.  A lot of it also had to do with the fact that I’m a regular, so the bar mostly consisted of friends, other  Wednesday regulars, and (believe it or not) blog fans who got the word I’d be there. 

Apparently there’s nothing like seeing someone humiliated to spice up your mid-week nights. 

Photo by "Lauren" - click the image to check out her review of the restaurant, complete with pictures. You can even check out the Madame's headboard that now serves as the back of the bar.

Oh yeah – did I mention the place used to be a brothel?

Part of what makes my favorite hangout so darn cool is that back in the day it was the backdrop for scandals of all shapes and sizes.  It has a section upstairs labeled “The Madame’s Room”.   But the best feature is one I didn’t discover until I played barback.   In one of the dining rooms, there is another bar with a mirrored wall behind it.  And if you push on it just right, the entire wall opens up to reveal another room.  It’s a bona fide secret doorway.   And if I have to work a 14-hour day to get to interact with a genuine hidden doorway, I’m so okay with that.

So all in all, I’d say things went well.  Nothing broke, nothing burned, and nothing got sent back.  And I got to learn a lot of pretty cool new stuff.  Like the fact that most of bartending is cleaning.  And since I’ve always kind of been interested in bartending, I’m thankful that this past week has shown me the error of my ways.  I hate cleaning.  Also, I totally suck at polishing stemware.

But allow me to leave you all with the most important thing I took away from being put through the ringer:

 Tip your bartender well.  You never know when you might end up on their side of the bar. ♣

*A hearty thanks to Jeff Holt of Papa J’s Centro in downtown Pittsburgh for allowing me to come threaten his crystal, his customers, and his good name.  Authentic Italian food, great service, and a super cool locale.  What could be better than drinking in a refurbished brothel? Nothing, that’s what.  If you’re in Western PA, you should do yourself a favor and pay the place a visit.  All pertinent info can be acquired here.*

Tags: 365 Project, Humor, life, musings, postaday2011

Okay.  It’s time that I address a longstanding problem in society.

This might be awkward at first, but it’s the tough conversations that really inspire change in folks.  So take your time, open your mind, and approach the following concept with patience and acceptance.

Repeating the last lines of a story in several different ways does not make it funnier. 

I see people making this mistake all the time. It is painful for everyone around them and it personally makes me consider the repercussions of incurring severe head trauma on another human being.  There is little in this world as thoroughly annoying and shut-your-face worthy as repeating the plot line of an unfunny story over and over in slightly different ways, expecting to milk a laugh.

You know what I’m talking about.  Everyone knows someone like this.  They tend to show up in higher numbers in offices, schools, and overeager parties.  They tell you some amusing anecdote about their kid or their husband or some run-in they had with a lady at a grocery store.  Or – worse – they tried to memorize a joke for the sake of socializing and tell it in public to try to make friends.  And once you realize the story is over, you also realize they’re the only ones laughing while you’re left fixated on a piece of food stuck in their laughing, chattering teeth.

This is one of my toughest moments in my socially awkward anxiety.  

I don’t like to fake laugh.  To be honest, I’d prefer to never reveal that I’m amused by other people at all, for fear they mistake it for a desire to socialize.   On occasion I will have to endure such a situation where a modest, seemingly authentic pity laugh is in order.    I like to think of it as a touch-and-go operation.  I’ll breeze past the part where you expect me to laugh in a story and we’ll move on to the next subject.  

Touch and go.

When someone keeps repeating the last few lines of something over and over, getting louder and laughing harder at themselves each time – that’s when I can’t do the touch-and-go.  Instead I have to stare at them and try to smile through my teeth without them reading it as a grimace.  I’m waiting for the pain to be over.  I’m waiting for that moment when they realize it isn’t funny or they laugh themselves to death or they spontaneously combust.  I haven’t been lucky enough to have the latter happen yet.  In fact, that’s a great rule.  If you try to milk a laugh where a laugh is not due, you will burst forth in a fury of flames and hellfire. 

So hear ye, hear ye.   We’ve been warned on a massive and public scale.  There will be absolutely no tolerance for milking laughs repeatedly and awkwardly where laughs are not due.   Violators will be subject to corrective action to include but not be limited to spontaneous combustion.

thejackieblog.com: addressing social anxieties one violent death at a time. ♣

Image by "jervetson". Click to check out their Flickr Photostream.

Tags: 365 Project, Humor, life, musings, postaday2011

I won yesterday.   I won all day long.  I won at everything.

There are days when I feel like I suck at the world.  I suck at breathing, at talking, at thinking – all of it down the pooper.  And on those days I think about what it might be like if it were reversed and instead of everything being awful, everything would be super awesome.

Yesterday, it happened. 

I woke up a little late, but managed to get showered and decent in time to be at work two minutes early.  I walked two miles.  I got a lot done at work.  My day blinked by so quickly that I actually stayed late because I didn’t really mind.  When Dave picked me up from work, he asked me what I’d like to have for dinner and I realized that I’d gotten a lot done already this week and I might be able to enjoy myself for the evening.  

All day I was in an awesome mood.  Nothing was a big deal, nothing made me freak out, and nothing made me stressed.  I handled my fashion-cape-wearing boss with ease and quickly tended to things that I could have let go until stress built around them.  I made some  good progress on several stressful projects and somehow things that were huge pains in my life worked themselves out on their own.  And to top the day off, when I checked my email last night, I was greeted with a confirmation for my approved ‘Media Pass’ to a ridiculous event I was hoping to attend for free on the grounds that I’m covering it for my blog.  Access granted – operation intense Lollipop Tuesday is in the works.

It.  was. awesome.

And then I got to thinking about how I should probably soak this day up because I can’t even imagine the hell karma that will pour down on me tomorrow as a result of it.  Or the week after.  Or whenever.  But somewhere, there’s quite a storm a’brewin.

And that’s totally fine.  Because if super terrible days mean that sometimes I can have a super awesome day like this, I’m all in.

Bring on the storm. ♣

Tags: 365 Project, Humor, life, musings, postaday2011