Tag Archives: back to school

Tips for College Success, Lesson 1: Crosswalks

24 Aug

Figure One.

Yesterday  when I was out on my lunch break, Dave and I almost ran over a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, college student because instead of choosing to not cross in front of an oncoming car, she proceeded to slowly cross in front of the car, wincing while she walked.

Because wincing, as we all know, is the all-encompassing shield of protection.

Morons.  Walk when the walk sign is up.  That’s why it’s there.  You see, we should be intelligent enough to know when to cross the street but since we as a human collective fail at this, the government decided to guide us with an enormous, lit sign with a picture of someone walking to indicate when we’re supposed to walk.  It’s very straightforward.  Push button, see light, walk.

Otherwise, I’m allowed to hit you.  I’m allowed to.  Legally.

Actually I’m making that up, but it’s the argument I’m prepared to use in the event of a trial for vehicular manslaughter. Your walking around, staring at your cell phone and listening to your iPod while I’m trying to avoid you and your friends like a sick video game is giving me ulcers.

I wondered how anyone could be so mindless and then it hit me: it was move-in day for the college students.

There are seven universities in the immediate city area alone.  Move-in day is always a chaotic, hot mess. Meters are blocked off, carts are sloppily rolling up and down the sidewalks, parents are spinning in and out of the bookstores clinging to what scraps are left of their wallets while harboring a single, lone tear in the corners of their eyes.  Tables and booths and street vendors and temporary tents pop up overnight.   

Darn.  I was just starting to get excited about the whiff of autumn in the air but soon, I shall be confined to the walls of a prison cell for running over one of these poor, young lads or lasses. 

Come to think of it, I hope that if there’s some terrible accident, blogs aren’t admissible in court.  That would be an awful shame.

Listen: I have an important message.  If you are the parent of a college student, please take the time to teach them how to cross the street all over again.  I know you reviewed it once or twice in the early years, but once out of your grasp, children completely evacuate from their heads everything you’ve told them.  Please use flash cards if necessary.

If you happen to be one of these college students: you are in grave danger.  Every time you walk outside your dorm, apartment, or cardboard box (whichever your parents allowed you based on how terrible you were to them in high school), you are taking a terrible risk.  Please do not leave your place of residence until you call your parents and have them review with you the chapter titled “Standard Road Crossing Procedures” from your childhood.

And if you  happen to be neither of these and are instead find yourself swerving, wiping sweat from your brow, and nursing ulcers instigated by near-fatal experiences, please do everything you can to get this message out. 

Also, I’ll be forming a support group.  Details forthcoming.  ♣

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