Tag Archives: postaday2011

Reenacting the First Battle of Bull Run

26 Jul

Ladies and gentlemen, I have promised you epicness and I now bring you epicness.   Straight from the 1860’s. This past weekend, while nestled in the historic bosom of Manassas, Virginia, I proudly reenacted the First Battle of Bull Run.

Happy Lollipop Tuesday, ya’ll.

Getting into formation before heading out to the battlefield in the sweltering heat. Like this group, many chose to don the complete uniforms in spite of allowances made by the organizers for the elimination of jackets, gloves, and a variety of equipment.

It all started when a loyal reader casually mentioned her long and lustrous history of reenactment.  For those of you who are lost, reenactors are folks to trot from one famous battleground to another to reenact a historical event that took place there many year prior.  They don the clothes, they sleep in tents, and even the greenest of them know more about history than your high school teacher.  In fact, many of them can tell the story of a battle in such interesting and tremendous detail that it makes you want to be a history teacher.

Apparently, my reader has been donning crotchless pantaloons (and a host of other period-accurate items) since high school and wanted to share her joy with me.  And as if that weren’t enough, she also suggested I apply for a media pass on the grounds that I was covering it for my blog.

And to my surprise, it worked.

I drove in the evening before to get the lay of the land and conduct an “interview” with my friend.  I donned a dress with my bright red magical media lanyard sticking out like a sore thumb and in the parking lot stumbled upon a group of rowdy men in camping chairs, drinking beer.  I walked past and gave it a moment – considering the power of my magic lanyard, and whipped back around to actually, well, interview someone.  Without the quotation marks.

They greeted me happily with a camping chair and a beer – which in any other scenario I might have declined but I was on official business.  And if I had to stomach a can of fizzy urine to have an experience, then by golly I was going to make that the best damn beer of my life.  I asked them what reenacting was all about, what brought them there, and things like there they got their uniforms.  Out of respect for their privacy and for what they shared with me I shan’t go into further detail.  But suffice it to say they were a wonderful group of fellas who gave me my first glimpse into what an interesting mix of fun and sincerity goes into the life of a reenactor.   When I parted, I left them a bottle of Brandy for their troubles and decided that I had experienced something fantastic that weekend even if all the rest was a bust.

A reenactor in full uniform takes his horse to practice maneuvers with a view of the Union camp behind.

Which it wasn’t.

Because the next day when I walked onto the battleground, I was greeted by horses, muskets, canteens, and wool uniforms on every lad and lass in spite of the ridiculous death-taunting heat index.  Make no mistake: these people aren’t joking around.  One man brought his 2-week-old baby along.  (Fear not – rumor in the Union camp was that they were harboring a small AC unit in their tent for moments of dire need.)

As with any Lollipop Tuesday, I tried to get as involved as possible.  So when my reader offered a pair of crotchless pantaloons, a modesty skirt, a full button-up dress, and told me she could get me onto the battlefield if I donned them all and followed her command, I giggled like a little schoolgirl.

To be frank, it was awesome.  The entire thing.  With over 8,000 registrants, what could have been better than standing in the battlefield with the Pennsylvania Artillery as they rallied the horses to pull the canons forward, cried havoc, and let loose the dogs of war?  As they pushed their way farther onto the field and gun powder and dust overran them, I made my way  over to the official spectators area to see the fruits of their labor.

And my heart sank.

I saw real gunpowder, real formations, real charges, and real horses.  I saw men fire guns and others fall to the ground.  And while I knew it wasn’t real because I was just having a beer with those men or laughing as they shoved ice in their hats to fight the heat, I couldn’t ignore the fact that not long ago, men gathered on these fields to fight for something far bigger than themselves.  And when it was over, they did not retire to their tents to talk about what a good time it was or drive home to air conditioning, or – in most cases – get to rise from the battlefield and brush themselves off.  That’s what brought people from all over the world and the United States to reenact the 150th Anniversary this past weekend.  In fact, some of them took it upon themselves to represent a member of their own family who lost their lives that day in Manassas.

And even after the camaraderie, the thrill of a new experience, and a beer enjoyed with a great group of men, that realization is one that quiets my soul. 

To see professional photographs of this event, consider viewing the Richmond Times-Dispatch album here.  Their photographer, Kevin Morley, did a fine job of capturing the weekend.

My Blog Is Making Things Awkward.

25 Jul

I wish I knew how to make people stop apologizing to me for not reading all my posts. 

It happens all the time.  I’ll be in casual conversation and suddenly be accosted by a plethora of apologies for someone not reading my every written word.  It takes many forms, but the scenario almost always includes a reason they don’t read it every day (busy, see it in inbox and intend to read it later, don’t read much) followed by an excited recall of the last one they’ve read in striking detail so that I know they actually do read it sometimes.

It’s pretty painful.

Firstly because I don’t really care if people read it every day.  It’s certainly nice to have readers, and I’m floored by the folks who try to read every word.  But I don’t sit around my apartment, brooding over so-and-so who didn’t mention anything about yesterday’s post.  It actually never occurs to me to wonder which of my friends read and which don’t because, quite frankly, I don’t actually know most of my readers.  I’m quite startled when someone I actually know tells me I had a good post recently – because I forget that people I actually talk to could know that I’ve eaten a cricket or pole-danced the night before. 

I prefer to ignore it. 

I don’t know how to make people stop apologizing.  I’ve at least gotten to the point where I can spot the fear in their eyes and as soon as I hear the word “blog” I stop them dead in their tracks and emphasize that it’s really okay and that I really don’t mind and am flattered they even know I have a blog.

Unfortunately, they rarely believe me/accept it/stop talking.

As in any predicament, there is a flip side.  There are folks who read my blog every day or darn near close to it.  And those folks neglect to converse with me at all because they now have daily access to my brain and have no need of a personal interaction.  Which, to be honest, the hermit inside me is absolutely thrilled about.   I’d be pretty down for just conducting all social business online.  

I don’t really like people.  They disturb me.

Which is why I really have to find a way to stop the apologies.  It’s just too awkward; I can’t take it anymore.   I thought about sewing on “I don’t care if you read it” on the bottom of my jackieblog.com t-shirts, but that seemed overkill.  Besides, I can’t always anticipate when I’ll be accosted, so I’d have to wear the t-shirt every time I leave my apartment.   That will add up to some pretty frequent laundry loads and that’s unacceptable.

 

I could just start every conversation with someone who hasn’t already apologized to me by telling them not to apologize, but that’s even more awkward.  If they don’t read it, they’ll feel like I’m calling them out and drop their subscription because they’re scared I can track them with WordPress.com’s super awesome site stats and summary (for the record, I can’t).  If they do read it, they’ll be equally insulted by the accusation that they don’t.

I’m out of ideas.  Maybe I just have to accept that people will be forever apologizing to me for something which I don’t hold them accountable.  

Or maybe I can just order more t-shirts. 

 

The Making of a Manservant

24 Jul
sketchbook018

Apparently, I'm the lion samurai and Dave is the dinosaur pulling my rickshaw. ...With a..bra on his eyes? Image by "Wild Guru Larry"

I’ve recently noticed this terrible habit I have of asking Dave to do things for me that I’m perfectly capable of doing myself.

I don’t mean boy things like killing bugs and installing shelves and other gender stereotypes that I’m happy to burden him with.  I mean things like getting me a glass of water when we’re both comfortably sitting beside each other in the same room.  

Or sometimes I ask him where things are that I know he’s never touched or had any reason to touch.   Not because I’m accusing him, but because I’m enlisting him on a search in which he has no personal stake but to prevent me from warping into a frustrated, impossible beast.  I need him to be on my side and on the hunt.  Not only is it a good tactical step because it doubles  my searching power in the house, but I get some kind of personal relief in the knowledge that finding the item is not just my burden to carry.  

That, and he’s a damn good hunter.  It’s probably the man in him.  Or the common sense.  I lack both so it’s hard to gauge.

I’m not sure why I do this.  I was never specifically taught it.  And as far as I know I haven’t always done it.  It’s just something I’ve kind of noticed as he and I are together longer and longer….and longer… and longer.

Not only am I surprised at the realization that I do this, but I’m kind of shocked that it works.  Not that I intentionally have sought to make this a dynamic in our relationship, but now that I look back on it, it’s pretty obvious that it has a high success rate.   It’s alarmingly effective.  In fact, sometimes he elects to do things that I haven’t even asked him to do but he has a hunch I want.

That’s love.

For example, last night I ordered Take Out from the Cheesecake Factory because I’m apparently on a quest to spend all the money I make ever.  He went to pick it up for me and when he came back, I was missing the cheesecake. …Which is obviously the most important component of the entire transaction.

If you’re going to name your establishment a factory when it’s actually a restaurant,  you can at least have the good sense to be efficient at carrying out the business you appear to be so fantastic at that you can name yourself a freaking factory.  A manufacturer of cheesecake.  One that produces – and presumably delivers – mass quantities of cheesecake.

Anyway, after the realization that the slice was missing, Dave offered to go back and get it.  To go back and get it! He went to pick up food for me in the first place that he had absolutely no stake in and yet offered to do it a second time!?

In retrospect, I suppose doing so had two positive outcomes for him.  First, he didn’t have to see me transform into a frustrated, impossible beast (which apparently happens when I lose things and when I don’t receive cheesecake that is owed to me) and second, he could rest at night knowing that the local Cheesecake Factory didn’t hear me give them my shpeal on how they have no business calling themselves a factory.

I’m kind of concerned at the recognition of this power.   I would hope that I use it for good and attempt to stop asking Dave to do things I’m perfectly capable of doing myself.  But there’s also the slight possibility that I could use it for evil and see what I can get away with.

Imagine the possibilities.

 

I’m Being Thrifty and Autumn Is Coming

23 Jul

In order to achieve my upcoming super epic Lollipop Tuesday post, I had to pony up for a hotel room in the heart of good ol’ Virginny.   

It’s incredible how my experience of hotel rooms has changed as of late.  Since I’ve entirely nixed television from my life and I refuse to put air conditioning in the apartment, an evening in a hotel is like a venture into another world.  

A world where I’m not irritable and uninformed.

It might actually be kind of nice if I didn’t have to pay for Internet, didn’t always have strangers in the hall, and had a place to put leftovers.  Now that’s not winter, I can’t just throw them on the window sill.  It’s unfortunate because I love those opportunities.  It makes me feel like there are rewards to my intellect.

Really.

There’s always something I really need at a hotel that I didn’t bring with me and could really, really use.  Like last night when I ordered one of those freak pizzas that have a tiny little baby slice on one side and an enormous mutant piece on the other.   If I’m at my house and for some reason am without something I need, I can come up with alternatives.  I may not have Pepto Bismol, but I’ve got baking soda.  Or I can’t find a toothpick, but I’ve got a paper clip.   But when I’m in a hotel and I need a freaking knife, there’s absolutely nothing that can be done short of going down to the hotel bar and requesting one outright.    I have no ability to improvise. 

In a real fix, I could use materials from the complimentary Bible but that comes with a host of negative consequences.

air conditioner

Photo by Michelle Tribe. Click for credits.

Perhaps there was more refined improvisaiton, but I couldn’t think of it because my brain was in a state of shock from the air conditioned cold.

I’m not sure if I’ll survive much longer without the AC in my apartment if 1) the heat doesn’t stop getting all ‘hey look what I can do’ on us  and 2) I don’t stop visiting grocery stores/department stores/work/hotels that have air conditioning.   

I just have to tell myself I’m being thrifty and autumn is coming.

 

“I’m being thrifty and autumn is coming.   I’m being thrifty and autumn is coming.  I’m being thrifty….” 

Sequels, Captain A, and the Wild Blue Yonder

22 Jul

Out of the way world, I have a day off today.

A complete, legitimate, entire day off.  The world is mine, and I shall take it by storm.

Last night I put in an 11-hour day at work because I’ve completely lost my freaking mind and then went to see Horrible Bosses to make myself feel better.    It didn’t really work.  It started out all right but then went off the deep end with vulgarity and cheap shots.  That, and all the previews -the best part of most movie-going experiences – were incredibly depressing.  Not because they were bad – which they were – but becayse one was for a romantic comedy and the other five were all about dooming situations from which there was no or little to no salvation.

I’ve been doing this thing called ‘it’s stupid to pay for TV’ and refusing to pay people to bring advertisements, poor customer service, and terrible programming into my living room.  It’s been working out pretty well for me.  The only thing I still can’t get the hang of is not having any idea what movies are playing or what they’re about.   So when, from an outsider’s perspective, I noticed a lineup of movies that included Fright Night, the fifth installment of Final Destination,  and (my favorite) a weekend in paradise that takes a terrible turn with seemingly set up shark attacks in the aptly named Shark Night.

Of course, one could argue that the preview for the new take on Footloose is just as frightening.   With a movie year featuring 27 spin offs, remakes, and sequels, these are dire times indeed.  Really.  27.  You can read about it here.

Without constant contact with the television world, I was unable to anticipate the apparent hype of Captain America.  On my way out of the theater,  my eyes were accosted by the sight of a gentleman in the popcorn line in fully blue spandex and shield on his back to celebrate the opening.   I would have taken time to debrief on the experience with Dave, but I was promptly greeted by a variety of audience members who were sporting various shield shirts and American apparel of all shapes and sizes.

Apparently, I missed the memo that we were all going to get excited for this.

Anyway, yesterday evening was a somewhat failed attempt to kick off my 3-day independence fest.  I also somehow got suckered into buying a bottled water, thereby losing $4.50 of my hard-earned American dollars, destroying the planet, and demonstrating a complete lack of lesson acquisition from my recent post, Why I Stay Indoors Reason 129: Movie Theaters. 

Today I will do better.  I will sleep in this morning, head firmly suctioned to the pillow and thanking the Lord God Almighty for the autopost feature.  I will spend way too much money on gas, prepare for a complete mental shutdown, and drive into the wild blue yonder to Virginia.

Somewhere in its bosom lies a Lollipop Tuesday of epic proportions.

Prepare yourselves. 

Blue sky 2

Image by Fabio Marini. Click for more details.

Homelessness and Cocktail Napkins: the Seeds of Fame

21 Jul

I need to stop making bad decisions.

I keep doing this thing where I stay up late, reveling in my irresponsibility, then waking up early and hating myself.  I tell myself I deserve it.  I tell myself I work hard that what’s the point if you don’t get to enjoy life once in a while.  But let’s face it: once in a while is kind of like, every night.  And though I’ve never considered myself a coffee drinker, an unbiased review of my bank statement would reveal a large portion spent at late night establishments followed by a large portion spent the next morning at coffee joints.

That’s pretty hard evidence.

Last night I was out at one of said late night establishments waiting for Dave to finish playing his set so I could go home and pass out and began to write my blog on bar napkins.  The bartender made a comment about J.K. Rowling, author of Harry Potter craziness, and how she started out homeless writing her story on cocktail napkins as well.  And now, well, she’s richer than the Queen of England.

The seeds of fame.

I didn’t have enough alcohol in me to delude myself into thinking that staying up late and scribbling on napkins was going to get me anywhere based on the precedent J.K. Rowling had set.  First and foremost, I’m not homeless.  I feel like that’s an important part of the underdog story there.  Second (and perhaps equally important), I’m not J.K. Rowling.

Still, it would be nice to allow myself to think that recalling my late nights and early, zombie-like mornings this year of my post-a-day extravaganza would be looking back fondly on the blossoming days of my fame. 

But I think I’m just tired.  And I have been for many moons.    There’s nothing fame-endowing about that.

And so this weekend I shall drive into the heart of Virginia to 1) seek out a Lollipop Tuesday of epic proportions and 2) sleep so often and so long that I actually reverse my under-eye dark circles.    My under-eye area will be so light and fresh that people will assume I mismatched my concealer, but really I’ll be basking in the afterglow of Virginia sleep.  I like to think it’s better than Pennsylvania sleep.   At least that’s what I’ll tell myself this weekend when I’m sucking up the sweet nectar of hibernation.

You know, in between writing blog posts on scraps of paper.

A Trip to the Grocery Store Bathroom

20 Jul
Bathroom Signs - Hold For Effective Flush

Pic by Joanna8555. Click to check out her Flickr Photostream.

I don’t trust grocery store bathrooms.

I don’t know why, but I don’t.  It doesn’t seem right – folks relieving themselves in the same place they get their groceries.  It’s like peeing beside your pantry.  It’s wrong.

When nature calls while I’m grocery shopping, it is only out of absolute desperation and necessity that I will resort to the grocery store restrooms.  They’re often scuzzy, hidden, and almost always traumatizing.

Yesterday I got out of work a bit late and Dave came as a knight in shining armor to pick me up from the evil soul-sucking corporate castle.  I was afraid I’d tried his patience so I dared not stop for a bathroom break before heading to the elevator.   But when the elevator reached the lobby, the slight thud of a stop it made bounced my bladder just a tad and it became evident that my pee situation was becoming higher priority than I anticipated.

When I opened the door to Dave’s metaphorical steed, he casually mentioned we needed some milk and might consider stopping by the grocery store.   I grimaced at the possibility of resorting to using the restroom there.  Tucked back behind the meat coolers, the one-toilet  deadbolted room was no party.  I imagined toilet paper strung up around the ceiling and a variety of gag-inducing messes strewn about.  No doubt the employees do their business elsewhere so upkeep isn’t of much concern.

But alas, as I was in the cereal aisle debating with Honey Nut Cheerios as to whether they really were America’s favorite cereal or if they were just saying that, I could endure it no longer: the bladder needed drained.

I cautiously made my way to the back of the store and there in the bowels of the meat department between the antibiotic-free chicken and the precooked ham steaks, was several stacks of soda can packs and the steel door behind which lied my fate.   I took a deep breath and tried the door to find it locked and heard a woman heartily shout from inside “ALMOST DONE!!!”.

I’m never sure how to take a statement like that.  I don’t want to think about the fact that she knows how much more she has in her and is approaching the finale.  I don’t want to imagine her rushing.  It seems stressful.  And potentially painful.  But I don’t want to yell anything back to her to indicate that we’re now in a conversation while she is doing her duty.

So I told myself she must have meant she was almost done washing her hands.  Yes.  That’s what she must have meant.

When she finally came back from the depths of the cove and into the harsh, bright lights of the meat coolers, she looked me straight in the eye, exhausted, and said “I was in there a while.   You know, sometimes that’s good to know.”

I admired her straightforwardness but was absolutely paralyzed with fear.  How could I possibly venture forth with such a certain doom?  But there was no way I could make it through the after-work grocery crowd, back to the metaphorical steed, and home in time to save myself from a very public, very wet embarrassment.

So I took an enormous breath and charged forward, hoping I could squeeze my bladder empty fast enough to rinse my hands, skip the drying, and bolt out the door.

That never works,  you know.

I sat there, rushing, heart pounding, breath held – knowing what was waiting for me – absolutely certain that every squeak of a breath let out was inevitably a puff of putrid air that would have to be let in.  I held and held until I could hold no longer and slumped my shoulders in defeat.  Eyebrows furrowed, face bright red, and eyeballs strained, I forced myself to release the meat department air in my lungs and replace it with “I was in there a while” air.

It was everything I thought it would be.

I’m considering a detox today.  You know, an all raw diet of sorts.  There’s nothing like a huge, lung-swelling breath of stale bathroom air to make your very genes feel sullied.

I need an apple.

Yo Ho, Yo Ho, It’s a Pirates Life for Me

19 Jul

Last night, I became a true American.

There are many things I’m trying for the first time this year as a result of my Lollipop Tuesday series.   Some are surprising new forays into the underbelly of society, and some are just things I never experienced because I’m a crotchety old coot.  Last night I ticked another of the latter off the bucket list by attending my first baseball game.

Happy Lollipop Tuesday, ladies and gentlemen.

Pirates vs. Cardinals

Photo by "_rockinfree". Click to check out their Flickr Photostream.

I have to say — I was incredibly surprised at how much I enjoyed the experience.   For starters, up until this year the Bucs have sucked pretty hard.  Pittsburgh has some pretty hardcore (and admittedly obnoxious) fans, but even the steeliest ‘burgher had a hard time mustering an ounce of pride for the team with the longest consecutive losing streak in baseball history (18!) .

Besides being tickled to see the Buccaneers soar to the top of the division, the entire experience was littered with good times.  I arrived a bit after 7pm to see a few balls thrown before a torrential downpour brought the game to a long halt.

You’d think that in 2011 there would be some sort of high-tech method for protecting the ball field from rain, but there isn’t.  It’s just a an energetic pit crew pulling a huge tarp over the grass, and it’s highly entertaining.  What, with all the bright yellow boots and the raking and dirt buckets and puddle dispersing, who needs to watch the game to have a good time?

At about 10:00, the game got up and running again and I was privy to a host of activities I wasn’t expecting.  Like the Buccaneer Brigade: a team of women armed with canons that launch t-shirts and hot dogs at the audience.  Or a pierogi race.  Literally – 4 giant costumed pierogies racing each other around the field.  And watching the ocassional foul ball or wiener smack an unsuspecting patron in the schnoz never got old.

Who knew there was so much activity at a ball game that had nothing to do with actually playing? Not this girl.

I have to admit the food is pretty darn delicious.   Even with the national anthem at the top of the game and the fireworks behind the American flag when we won, I couldn’t cross the threshold to truly embracing my inner Americana until I chowed down on a footlong hot dog.

True Americans eat hogs.

Of course, I’m actually Native American so my idea of returning to my American roots should be more like eating a buffalo burger. But I digress.

To be honest, I really didn’t expect to have a good time last night.  I expected to sit there and pay my dues and try to learn a thing or two from the two baseball veterans I brought with me.  As it turned out, I learned a lot of interesting strategy hubbub about the game and was content enough to sit in the rain for 2 hours until it started up again.  In fact, I might go back.

After all, I’m curious as to what getting hit by a hot dog shot out of a canon feels like.

Why I Stay Indoors, Reason 129: Movie Theaters.

18 Jul
Iron Man2

The movie theater concession stand - selling disappointment at alarmingly high prices. Photo by "TheWanderingEye". Click to check out their Flickr Photostream..

Movie theaters have mocked me for the last time.

Yesterday I decided to bend over and take the Harry Potter ending like a champ at my parents’ local movie theater.  After all, I’d promised my dad I’d go with him and since he’s a hermit two steps away from swearing off any and all human contact, I felt it my duty to drag him out into the daylight.  Unfortunately, I was in a bit of a rush from place to place yesterday and failed to eat ahead.

‘Eating ahead’ is when you aren’t necessarily hungry at the time you eat, but rather eat because you know you’ll be hungry before  you have your next opportunity to eat.  It’s basic first-year Fat Girl coursework.

So unfortunately, I found myself about to digest a very long, very intriguing movie on a very empty stomach.  And though I almost always refuse to fall for concession stand inflation devilry, I was hungry and without defense.   I tried to make a somewhat well-balanced financial decision in spite of the fact that there basically was none -and ended up squelching my desire for a hot dog based on its $4.50 price tag and instead opted for nachos and cheese – which was just slightly less and seemed slightly more promising.

It wasn’t.  The nachos were terrible.  Terrible in that way that makes you feel filthy inside.  Like you’re gnawing on flavored cardboard that used to have something tasty in it but is now long gone.

I was in a bit of a predicament, as the  nachos were far too disgusting to eat, but that I’d eaten enough that I couldn’t return them.  And if I truly wanted any satisfaction I’d have to try for the hot dog or make it through the movie battling my hunger like Harry battled He Who Shall Not Be Named.

I was weak and sad and went back to the concessions to drop a few more of my hard-earned American dollars on terrible food.  I went for the hot dog, but was informed that they ran out of ones that had been cooked by a heat lamp and that the only way I could have one was if I wanted it microwaved.

Gross.

So I did it.  I paid $4.50 for a microwaved pig butt on a bun. Not even a foot long.  Just a plain old, stubby radioactive hot dog.

I was pretty disappointed in myself.  I should have just taken my money out of my bag, licked it, and thrown it in the trash can.  It would have been more satisfying.    But most of all, I was disappointed that I gave money to a business who does not have enough foresight to put an ample number of hot dogs on during at 1:00 matinee of Harry Potter.  Sell one, replace one.  It’s pretty straightforward.

When I finally threw everything away and settled in to the seat to wallow in my misery, I got slight pangs of excitement for seeing the previews.  After all, I’ve done away with television entirely and the only way I even know there are movies out there is if I get to see them at the theater.

Unfortunately there was some sort of silliness going on with the projector.  It flipped in and out on a whim and the sound didn’t play along with the clips.    While someone worked frantically in the booth to fix the problem, I watched a trailer for Planet of the Apes to the soundtrack of an upbeat teenage girl voiceover trying to tell me I could take college courses online in my pajamas.

It’s good to know that 15 dollars I dropped on crap food at least goes toward a well-run establishment.

But hey – that will teach me.  Stick to the old standard: make a queue on Netflix, watch them as they come, and visit Redbox to help squelch any sudden urges.

Stay inside, Jackie.  Just stay inside.  It’s safe there. 

Jackie Life Solutions: A New Product Line

17 Jul

I think it’s time I get serious about starting my own business.

Like my own product line.  Yeah.  I need to start my own business featuring a line of products to address problems I face on a daily basis.  I assume that since my problems are universal in nature, they’ll apply to everyone and I will instantly make money based on the fact that by making products to solve my life’s problems, I am also by extension, making products to address everyone’s problems.  And even if no one is interested in my super awesome life solutions line, it doesn’t matter.  Because I will have solved the  most nagging problems I face every day.  It’s a win-win with the happiness factor.

Things like excessive underarm sweat.  I’ve blogged about it before and I’ll blog about it again.  I shouldn’t need Botox injections or the removal of my sweat glands to help me get a grip on sweat and finally enjoy summer.

Then again, as long as bathing suits exist I probably won’t ever enjoy summer.

I also have a slew of other problems that today’s product development is failing to properly address.   Like underwear that don’t look like granny panties that are also comfortable.  What’s so hard about that?  Or a nude bra that doesn’t look absolutely and terribly boring and sad.  Or a pillow that doesn’t lose its super awesome fluff support after a few weeks of drool accumulation.

What’s so hard about this?

The key to true happiness and complete satisfaction in life isn’t some hidden secret you only unveil when you’re 60 and wish you could relive life again.  True happiness is having things like garbage bags that stay around the trash can instead of falling into it with the goopy leftovers from last night.  It’s things like self-cleaning cat litter boxes that save you from having to clean up after your own cat’s feces.  It’s pot holders that double as oven mitts and pens that glide on paper but don’t bleed

Perhaps this is a sign of my (ever-increasing) age: the simpler pleasures in life. 

Simple & Obvious

Photo by "ejhogbin". Click to check out their Flickr Photostream.

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