Today I was informed that in Tokyo people pay money to enter cafes solely based on the activitiy of cat-petting.
Actually, I was told this piece of information a long time ago but I’m so soaked, wringed out, and soaked again in cynicism that you couldn’t have actually expected me to believe it.
But yesterday I was at work and amongst the filthy ruins of my corporate emails was a gem- a precious gemstone in the wastelands: a YouTube video featuring a Japanese “cat cafe” where visitors pay up to $16 for unlimited petting privileges of a variety of felines. The Cafe was lined wall to wall with perch stands, where cats were lined up like items on a shelf for the picking.
Do you understand what this means?
All this time I’ve just been trying to figure out a way to do theater, pay my bills, and absolutely nothing else. I’ve come up with clever inventions, hoping they would be my one-time payoff to fame. Like Oscar the Elephant, a children’s cartoon about an elephant who was unpopular because he was overweight.
A lot of my ideas seem to revolve around the creation of a children’s cartoon featuring an animal with a glaring physical challenge that accounts for its being ostricized from the rest of animal society, e.g. Larry the Lump-Necked Giraffe.
But it turns out that all I’ve had to do all along is open the door of my apartment to vagabonds and prostitute my cats.
Hey. Don’t judge me. One of my cats is antisocial and the visits could do him some good. My other cat is absolutely insatiable. I can pet her for an hour and she will still ram her head into my hand like a black rhino. This will be good for them both.
Except this could seriously interrupt my constant watching of Arrested Development and my playing of Fat Princess. So I’m going to have to divide the apartment into people I would be okay hanging out with all the time while they pet my cats and people that I really don’t want in my house at all but need money from.
The only thing stopping me is my questionable neighbor down the hall. She, like all crazy ladies, is incredibly fond of cats – present company inluded. In fact, upon spotting my cat in the window of my apartment, she has since requested to visit simply to pet them.
What a brilliant marketing tactic: I’ll be like Subway and Starbucks and stick my merchandise right in the window. And I’ll have Questionable Neighbor there, demonstrating proper petting techniques.
No. …No I can’t possibly play Fat Princess and watch Arrested Development with crazy cat lady in my window. It would be super weird.
I guess it’s Oscar the Elephant and Larry the Lump-Necked Giraffe: a children’s cartoon about love, friendship and above all, acceptance. *cue music* ♣
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