I’m Living with a Terrorist

17 Mar

My cat is making me doubt my ability to be a good mother.

I sometimes think about killing my cat.

I’m having a really hard time dealing with my cat’s dependency issues.

She used to just be a very loving cat who would rub up against me to see if I was interested in her affection.  If she deemed it appropriate, she would launch into an all out love fest all over my lap, legs, feet – wherever she could maneuver herself for my attention.

But now she’s a monster.

From the moment I wake up, she’s there – staring at me.  She follows me into the bathroom, follows me from the shower to my bedroom, and from the bedroom to the door.  I used to think she did it because she was hungry, but every time I rush to feed her in the morning, there is still evidence of her meal from the evening prior.

Sometimes I get so creeped out by her watching me get dressed that I put her outside the door until I’m finished.

When I come home after work she goes into full attack mode, tripping me while I walk, lurking over me while I cook, and sometimes ramming her head into my hand so forcefully that I have actually spilled things on myself.   She’s insatiable.

I thought her new attitude was a symptom of loneliness.  I thought that perhaps I wasn’t spending enough time with her.  But regardless of whether I pet her for an hour straight and follow it up with a rousing game of “chase the laser” or I ignore her all day, she cannot be tamed.  I’ve fed her treats, massaged her, pet her nicely, pet her harshly, picked her up, taken her for a walk (yes, I took my cat for a walk), and let her lie on me even when it’s incredibly inconvenient.  None of it helps.  If I want to read something, I have to do it standing up or my book will get forcefully nudged out of my hand, and she will spend her time putting her body between me and the page I am reading.

She has been known to lie down directly on top of something I have in my hand as I read it.

At night I’m so terrorized by her that even when I’m not yet asleep, I slow down my breathing and fake it so she moves on.

I’m living in fear and I can’t take it anymore.  It’s a wonder I can even do a blog a day without her putting her litter-laden paws all over the keys and foiling my attempts.

Recently, I’ve been feeling slightly maternal.  I don’t know if it’s the soon-to-be-aunt in me or the ticking of my own biological clock,  but babies are starting to kind of grow on me.    But now I’ve got this insatiable cat and I’m starting to feel like my entire life revolves around her and her ridiculous requests and I just can’t do this.

I can’t be a mom if my cat is introducing me to what I can expect from motherhood.  I fear I may become violent. 

She stared at me like this the entire time I wrote this post. ...help...me.....

 

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379 Responses to “I’m Living with a Terrorist”

  1. Brandon Dollar March 20, 2011 at 11:01 am #

    Whether you realize it or not, you have trained your cat to behave this way. If you want her to act differently, you will have to train her to act differently.

    Step one is keep a squirt bottle of water near your keyboard to squirt her when she gets on the keys (and only when she gets on the keys). If she learns to associate being squirted with the keyboard, she might be able to hang around you without bothering you at your computer.

    Like

    • Jackie March 20, 2011 at 11:06 am #

      Yes, I’m starting to see after all these suggestions that I’ve allowed her to be this way. I rarely chastise her for her interactions with me. I’ve got her trained to not claw up the house and to not knock things off surfaces, but I never considered training her to not put her butt in my face and walk on my keyboard.

      Thanks for the tip! 🙂

      Like

  2. misfit120 March 20, 2011 at 11:09 am #

    Try living with five terrorist cats, each one taking turns plotting their next move in the bathroom, on the dinner table, on the couch, butts constantly in your face, as one comedian once said, “How come cats are only a foot tall but their butts are always in your face.” I used to think my computer came with a fur monitor until I discovered it was cat fur. HAIRBALLS….geez…I could make a new cat from those. The litterbox is like a public restroom and feeding time is cafeteria style. So don’t feel bad with one cat, just multiply that times five.

    Like

    • Jackie March 20, 2011 at 2:09 pm #

      There’s no way I can increase my cat population. Two already feels like I’m starting a collection and several friends and family members have instituted a “no more strays” policy with me. Kudos to you for being able to manage that many critters.

      Like

  3. tambourina March 20, 2011 at 11:18 am #

    oh its so nice to know that we’re not the only ones being bullied by our cat. I burst out laughing when I read about you having to stand in the middle of the room to read because I had to do the exact same thing when I eat strawberries at home. Our cat will find every ways and means to climb up on me to get some of the strawberries that I eventually gave up and stood in the middle of the living room with no furniture nearby just so I could eat my strawberries in peace.and when I was pregnant, he tried to launch off my tummy to get at the strawberries! thanks for sharing your delightful story! your cat is such a lovely little terrorist 😉

    Like

    • Jackie March 20, 2011 at 2:14 pm #

      haha how funny! I’m glad Lola has no interest in human food. She always wants to check it out, but never wants to indulge. The image of you having to guard your strawberry stash is hilarious to me. Thanks for sharing!

      Like

  4. tinkerbelle86 March 20, 2011 at 11:28 am #

    totally feel you. my kitten headbutts me when im sleeping, always wanting to play, but in the day god forbid if i try to stroke her. she also has a bit of a hannibal complex as she loves chowing down on my toes. not good when you are sleepy and go to the toilet in the middle of the night, its quite a shock!!

    Like

    • Jackie March 20, 2011 at 2:15 pm #

      LOL I love all the ridiculous cat quirks I’m learning about today. So grateful to not have a toe chomper. Good luck with that 😉

      Like

  5. macleod1cara March 20, 2011 at 11:41 am #

    My cat is the same she always has mood swings at night she is annoying and wont leave me alone and just wants attension but during the day she is moody and attacks :S

    Like

  6. scribedoll March 20, 2011 at 12:24 pm #

    I love your post! My cat used to walk over my laptop keyboard as I was trying to write. Once, she managed to change the font of an entire script to Zapf Dinbats. Another time (I promise!) she typed “boo”.

    Like

    • Jackie March 20, 2011 at 2:19 pm #

      the “boo” thing is creepy. Lola doesn’t walk over the keyboard, but she certainly is right over my shoulder right now, mouthbreathing as I reply. 🙂 Thanks so much for sharing!

      Like

  7. Dr. W. H. Penewit March 20, 2011 at 12:39 pm #

    What you are describing is typical “tuxedo cat behavior” I have one as well and she does the same thing…they fear nothing and are the kings/Queens of all they purvey.

    Like

    • Jackie March 20, 2011 at 2:20 pm #

      It’s probably because they’re just so naturally well-dressed. Most people who look that good when they wake up in the morning feel a little self-entitled. I suppose cats are no different 😉

      Like

    • MamaWerewolf March 20, 2011 at 7:55 pm #

      This is exactly what I was going to say! My dashingly handsome tuxedo man was sadly abused and neglected as a kitten before coming to live in my home. It took him almost seven years to get to this point where he feels comfortable ordering me around and glaring at me menacingly (he is even able to purr menacingly, which I would list as a talent). I take his abuse and view it as a badge of honor that I have earned his trust and respect and (dare I say it?) love enough for him to treat me with disdain.

      Like

      • Louella March 20, 2011 at 8:06 pm #

        Sounds like a visit with Cat Psychologist Pam Johnson-Bennett (yes they exist) is in order…

        Like

      • Jackie March 21, 2011 at 11:48 pm #

        Aww – well I would be flattered too. Kudos to you for coaxing him into his newfound position of power 🙂

        Like

  8. nearlynormalized March 20, 2011 at 12:59 pm #

    Life would be so boring without them…Smart, controlling, true bosses. Why have TV’s if you have cats!!!!

    Like

  9. Katie Gou March 20, 2011 at 2:14 pm #

    Haha, this post killed me a little. Your jest transfers into writing perfectly! Animals can be such demanding creatures. I have a dog who is very much the same. Constantly pulling at my hands to stroke her, placing tennis balls in my lap or hiding things under furniture and then crying until you give in and get them back out for her. Maybe we should all turn the tables and start inflicting human behaviours on them!

    Like

    • Jackie March 20, 2011 at 2:38 pm #

      haha I love the idea of her hiding things and then demanding you retrieve them. It’s very ferret-y of her. Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing! 🙂

      Like

  10. arevikd March 20, 2011 at 2:23 pm #

    It’s OK about Reply thing) Main point is – do you see how many great comment you have? 🙂

    Like

    • Jackie March 20, 2011 at 2:40 pm #

      :D!

      Like

  11. ARTIFICE ATELIER AGENCY March 20, 2011 at 2:37 pm #

    Are you sure the “Terrorist” cat doesn’t think that you’re the invader? They can stare you down until you feel that you’re a visitor in your own home. Its uncanny. Really. YUP. very familiar to me, a fellow refugee in my own home!

    Like

  12. Missey Twisted March 20, 2011 at 2:47 pm #

    Oh, dear. I suppose the saying is true…dogs have owners and cats have staff. Great picture. What happens when you show some dominance or punish her when she makes you spill something? Jackie P’s advice seems really good…

    Like

    • Jackie March 20, 2011 at 2:51 pm #

      We shall see! I fully intend on implementing a few of these suggestions. I’ve never heard that saying before but it certainly does ring true. It’s a new day, however, and I will no longer be ruled by this dictator. I stopped by your blog – I like the theme and I couldn’t help but notice the pic of your own little guy. What a cutie! Hope he’s feeling better 😦

      Like

      • Missey Twisted March 20, 2011 at 3:07 pm #

        Thanks, Jackie. Oli is doing a bit better. His main thing is lying like a sandbag at our feet at night. Btw, my theme is Choco, and I love it!

        Like

  13. God Shuffled His (I prefer Her) Feet March 20, 2011 at 2:50 pm #

    Cats are great personally I’m a dog person. However with cats they always have the killer instinct in them which no person can remove

    Like

  14. Ladystou March 20, 2011 at 3:09 pm #

    I love cats, I had cats and now…I have dogs. So what you describe I’d love to have. It’s funny, your post. They are beautiful creatures, and them being so independent is what makes me crazy about them.

    Like

    • Jackie March 20, 2011 at 6:21 pm #

      I wish I could have dogs – I wrote a post on that today, actually. 🙂 Thank you so much for stopping by!

      Like

  15. Cat March 20, 2011 at 3:38 pm #

    Wow. This makes me a lot happier with my cat situation. My cat is pretty elusive and neurotic and he likes to hide all day. He’s pretty much threatened by anything/anyone that moves. He’ll only allow petting if he comes to me first. And he’ll only lay on me if I’m laying down (a non-threatening position). I used to be sad that my cat wasn’t very affectionate. But I’d rather have that than an overbearing cat.
    Yeah, sorry. I’m pretty bad at trying to make people feel better. Good luck with that. 😀

    Like

    • Jackie March 20, 2011 at 6:25 pm #

      Aww my parents used to have a real skittish cat like that. She would never come out from underneath chairs or couches and was absolutely terrified of company. In her later years, she started working up the gumption to come out into the real world and it was a shock to us all. I would much rather have Lola be too in my business than never come out. Though she does test my patience… 🙂 Thanks for sharing!

      Like

  16. covert March 20, 2011 at 3:47 pm #

    cats own people,not the other way around.

    Like

  17. Afrovenator March 20, 2011 at 4:05 pm #

    She is reincarnated.

    Like

  18. harkheindzel March 20, 2011 at 4:22 pm #

    Ha, that’s one heck of a cat you have. And the picture…lol…great post all the same. Congrats on being freshly pressed.

    Like

    • Jackie March 20, 2011 at 6:31 pm #

      Thanks for dropping by!

      Like

  19. tuan tanah March 20, 2011 at 4:40 pm #

    I like this post. It’s hilarious!

    And I even love her pose!

    Like

    • Jackie March 20, 2011 at 6:33 pm #

      I’m so glad she was proving me right as I wrote this and I could snap that pic. But I also found it incredibly disturbing haha. So glad you enjoyed – thanks for taking the time to share!

      Like

  20. Elli Writes March 20, 2011 at 4:45 pm #

    I’m afraid your cat has a horrible case of feline-itis. It’s this horrible disease that causes cats to believe the world revolves around them. Very common in the domestic species.

    Like

    • Jackie March 20, 2011 at 6:32 pm #

      lol yes, sadly I think you’re right. But I’m gonna get moving on these suggestions and see if I can whip her into shape 😉

      Like

  21. mctell2 March 20, 2011 at 5:22 pm #

    As a 2 decade + Cat manager/conductor. My conclusion is “Good Luck”. Apparently your love and nurturing has brought forth the most ancient cat gene of “Channeling your Soul”. She is now master of the universe, wisest of vision and seer of infinite wisdom.
    McTell…

    Like

  22. middleagedplague March 20, 2011 at 6:02 pm #

    What a brilliantly well written and extremely funny piece.

    What does the cat think?

    As a professional writer, I don’t subscribe to many blogs, because they have to be really really good for me to make the same long term committment that Amazon and I share.

    I’m ready to commit, and will sign up for e-mail notifications as soon as I post this.

    Very very funny. I’m looking forward to more.

    (By the way, we have six cats, all with varying levels of terrorism skills. How could we possibly make it through the day without them?)

    Like

    • Jackie March 20, 2011 at 7:11 pm #

      Oh man, Middle… there’s just a little bit of pressure there 😛 Thank you so much for clicking the button to read my brain every day. And I’m sorry – SIX CATS? Out of all these comments, you’re officially the second place winner for cat collections. Theresa took first with nine. Thanks for stopping by and sharing. There may not be a super amusing post each day, but there will certainly be a post.

      …I hope 😛

      Like

  23. sanjapanja March 20, 2011 at 6:15 pm #

    My cat has been stalking me this past month, it’s like he can’t get enough of me.

    Like

    • Jackie March 20, 2011 at 7:12 pm #

      It must be something in their brains… a switch that’s gone off at the same time in all of them. The mission is probably something like Kill All Humans.

      I might start an army to unite against them. You in?

      Like

  24. threadbaroness March 20, 2011 at 6:39 pm #

    My cat alternates two weeks of this kind of behavior with two weeks of a very F*** you sort of attitude.

    Like

  25. marylisa March 20, 2011 at 6:49 pm #

    Bahaha…this is a great post! Even in the picture she looks kinda like a stalker, as if she’s saying, “What are you doing? Are you writing about me?”

    Like

  26. Louella March 20, 2011 at 7:50 pm #

    Last Wednesday, we fostered a Kitten from the RSPCA. After reading this post, I’m convinced they are from the same blood line.

    We take her back in 10 days time. I might print out this post and suggest that shes is adopted out with a disclaimer.

    Like

    • Jackie March 21, 2011 at 11:47 pm #

      Well hopefully someone will be up for the challenge 😉

      Like

  27. bmat10 March 20, 2011 at 8:25 pm #

    we have six cats and a Siberian Husky, the husky believes the cats are all prey so the cats and the dog are never in the same place at the same time. It is a delicate balance. It gets worse, the cats do not really like each other. They argue for our attention. We have waterbottles stationed all over the house to break up the cat fights that get out of hand. There are times I’m tempted to let the husky have her way with the cats, (of course I never would). In the end they give a lot more than they take, I love them all and some are getting up in years and I don’t look forward to the time we begin to lose them. I wouldn’t have them any other way.

    Like

    • Jackie March 21, 2011 at 11:50 pm #

      oh man – dealing with animals not getting along is a toughie. When our dog was still around, he would absolutely terrorize the cats in the house. Nothing like cats with eyes the size of saucers and big ol’ raccoon tails. It gets wild!

      Like

  28. TasteofTampa March 20, 2011 at 9:16 pm #

    Maybe something is going on while you are not home that is totally scaring your cat and she is trying to tell you the only way she can. I don’t have any cats but I have always thought of them as mischievous creatures.

    Like

    • Jackie March 21, 2011 at 11:53 pm #

      Yeah I’m starting to wonder if my other cat is laying down the law on her while I’m at work. I’ll be doing some investigating in the next few days 😉

      Like

  29. acleansurface March 20, 2011 at 10:50 pm #

    Wow, it does sound like parenthood, only with fewer questions and less cooking. Good luck!

    Like

    • Jackie March 21, 2011 at 11:55 pm #

      ugh thanks. haha 🙂

      Like

  30. countoncross March 20, 2011 at 11:44 pm #

    Soooo funny 🙂 Love the picture! I think I would be a little scared….what is she thinking? Love your blog.

    Like

    • Jackie March 21, 2011 at 11:55 pm #

      Thanks! I appreciate you stopping by.

      Like

  31. YouGetWellSoon March 21, 2011 at 12:26 am #

    I’ve got a pair of Siamese and they were very affectionate and well annoying until we had kids. They stay away from babies and run from toddlers – leaving us in relative peace.
    I don’t know how this helps you but it really helped my cat-dependency issues.

    Like

    • Jackie March 21, 2011 at 11:57 pm #

      hmm… trading inexpensive but sometimes overly demanding house cats for expensive AND overly demanding kids… not my idea of a good solution. But I’m so glad you made the trade and it works for you haha

      Like

  32. Ana March 21, 2011 at 12:42 am #

    This post is hilarious! =) And she is adorable!! lol my sister’s cat was taught to kind of punch people in a way and definitely stares

    I don’t know if someone has made a reference to it but this reminds me of a comic called How to tell if your cat is plotting to kill you ^.^
    http://www.catswhothrowupgrass.com/kill.php

    Like

    • Jackie March 21, 2011 at 11:58 pm #

      that’s funny – you’re the second. My favorite is that when they bring you dead animals they aren’t gifts “but warnings” 🙂

      Like

  33. indahnyabersabar March 21, 2011 at 1:21 am #

    dodol lapet

    Like

  34. ninainai March 21, 2011 at 5:52 am #

    you can sent it to otherse,sounds so Terror

    Like

  35. wovenstrands March 21, 2011 at 6:36 am #

    Scary. I’d be freaking out :/

    Like

  36. Deb March 21, 2011 at 10:08 am #

    Ha ha – Micestro used to wake us up at 4:30am, lookin’ for luv! Problem solved, the 11 month boxer-lab mix, Apollo, sleeps with us now! Micestro bonded with me at first, but now our gay-lover kitty prefers Hubby. IF he graces me with his presence, the minute Hubby sits down, Micestro is off my lap and is up in Hubby’s face. It’s disgraceful the way they carry on! If you have ever seen the lolcats poster entitled “Intimidation – I’m 1/10 your size and fuzzy. But you’re still scared.”, that’s what our Micestro looks like, attitude and all. He has yet to exhibit Terroist behaviors, but he and Apollo go at it, well.. like cats & dogs!

    Like

  37. Emily R. March 21, 2011 at 10:26 am #

    Aww,I kind of wish I had this problem! My cat is extremely standoffish and doesn’t even like to be in the same room with me most of the time. She’s not mean, she doesn’t bite or hiss or anything, she just “vants to be alone”.

    Like

  38. mcreek March 21, 2011 at 3:23 pm #

    This made me smile because it reminds me of the odd things my cat, Ollie does. She doesn’t follow me around, but “attack” must be her middle name. She is a tortie though so it’s to be expected. Your story also reminds me of the FedX commercial where the little clown doll is “alive” and sneaking up on everyone, lol.

    Take a deep breath and if the cat’s behaviors continue and are causing serious concern, I would have her evaluated…

    Like

    • Jackie March 22, 2011 at 12:03 am #

      I’ll have to google the commercial and see if I can find it.

      A lot of folks have suggested having her checked out – physically, mentally… but when you’re in love, you’re in love. 🙂

      Thanks for stopping by!

      Like

  39. Belfire Botanicals March 21, 2011 at 4:39 pm #

    LOL…sorry, I just had to laugh a bit. I have had cats all of my life and yes, some are more attention seeking than others. It sounds to me as if she’s lonely. Despite what many folks tell you “cats are loners, they don’t like company” that’s a bunch of hooha. Get her another kitty companion. A kitten. It could be that her maternal instincts are raging too and you are the one she has chosen to mother. I have always found that 2 cats are much better than one!

    Like

    • Jackie March 22, 2011 at 12:07 am #

      She has one – it doesn’t go well. He’s even younger than she is! I think she’s just hopelessly in love with me. 😉

      Like

  40. cindy March 21, 2011 at 11:18 pm #

    My “cat” too senses when I am ready for the daily ritual of waking, bathing, and toileting. I have learned not to fall for her meows of hunger, the beast cries wolf. Alas, I am no match for her “I know you’re faking being asleep” cat senses. If I close the bathroom door, like T1000 (google it kids) she attempts to ooze her way in thru the gap at the bottom of the door. But I refuse to let the literal ankle-biter dictate my daily itinerary, and so with a head held high I chug forward hoping that my life expectancy will not be cut short..

    Like

    • Jackie March 22, 2011 at 12:09 am #

      LOL I love “google it kids”. This is a great comment – thanks for the laugh!

      Like

  41. The Compulsive Writer March 22, 2011 at 2:07 am #

    Maybe she’s going through menopause. I had a cat for 4 weeks (long story) and really can’t offer any kind of opinion other then the ridiculous. Menopausal Terrorist! Sounds good.

    Like

    • Jackie March 23, 2011 at 8:54 pm #

      LOL I’ll buy it.

      Like

  42. Baby Favors March 22, 2011 at 3:38 am #

    I like conversation here.Like angry cats.lolz

    Like

  43. Charlotte March 22, 2011 at 5:39 pm #

    Your line about killing your cat is creepy but otherwise cute article.

    My dad once sent me an article about how cats conspire to kill us.

    Like

    • Jackie March 23, 2011 at 9:02 pm #

      No worries – I would never harm her. Just fantasize about it sometimes when she’s untamed and digging her claws into my legs out of desperate love and affection. 😉

      Like

  44. Desiree March 23, 2011 at 2:23 am #

    this was such an interesting post to read! I love it. I want to see more blogs on wordpress like this…. COMMON!!!! I’ll take the cat for you 😉 jk

    Like

    • Jackie March 23, 2011 at 9:03 pm #

      Hey, thanks! I really appreciate you stopping by. And I’ll put you on my backup list in case I give up on her. 😛

      Like

  45. fornik09 March 23, 2011 at 10:52 pm #

    I love cats 🙂

    Like

  46. alittleteteatete March 24, 2011 at 12:50 pm #

    hahahahahaha this is hysterical! I love it! 🙂 She does have kind of a creepy stare.

    Super cute blog… 🙂

    Like

    • Jackie March 26, 2011 at 11:39 am #

      thanks for stopping by!

      Like

  47. whatstheuse March 24, 2011 at 10:30 pm #

    That picture looks like she’s saying, “You aren’t writing about me… are you?”

    Like

    • Jackie March 26, 2011 at 11:42 am #

      she found out I did and then backhanded me.

      Like

  48. Sarah March 26, 2011 at 3:42 am #

    I also have a tuxedo cat who is overly needy. It can be charming at times, but most of the time, he wants to sit and lay on me all the time, follows me around and so on. I try to just humor and ignore him, or I will think of ways to annoys him, like push him over and play “baby” with him. Take that Panda! Works like a charm.

    Like

    • Jackie March 26, 2011 at 11:54 am #

      Your site is amusing. Particularly the action shot you got of your cat in mid-lick.

      Like

  49. thetick900 March 28, 2011 at 10:35 pm #

    I wish I had a kitty that craved attention. It seems that all my cat wants to do is play with a string that a gave her. She hates being held or petted. So, its quite the opposite relationship, its me that is needy and not the kitty! I think that if you become overly needy yourself, she will not bother you as much anymore!

    Like

    • Jackie March 31, 2011 at 10:32 pm #

      I’m in the midst of the tough love suggestions – next I’m going to move on to the super needy tactic. Something’s gotta work, right?

      Like

  50. Well, I lived with a cat-terrorist for 19 years…lol… in the end, when they eventually do go to the big cat heaven in the sky… your life feels completely empty without them….lol…. love the pic of your cat! Thanks for cheering up my day- loved reading this!

    Like

    • Jackie April 9, 2011 at 11:01 am #

      So true – I have no idea what I’ll do when she retires 😦

      Like

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