I Will Never Be Smarter Than I Was in Third Grade

21 Mar

I was the smartest I’ll ever be in 3rd grade.  I’m sure of it.

Well, you know… relatively. When I was just a wee lass back in elementary school, they had this thing called the CAT test, which was an aptitude test they gave kids every few years to see how things were cooking in their cerebrums.    And when I was in the third grade, I aced it.  I got every single question right and was rated in the top 1% of third graders in the nation.

That was the shining moment of my brain’s career.

It really didn’t have much to do with me.  It had a lot to do with bopping from school to school and being lucky enough to have the last be a step ahead of the next.  And it had even more to do with my older brother teaching me his homework after school, which was 3 grades ahead of mine.

I was a super nerd and it was glorious.

So that was my moment: there in third grade.   Suddenly there was all this pressure to perform – and by the time I made it to the 6th grade aptitude test and ended up in the top 2% instead of the top 1%, it was clear things were headed quickly downhill.

After all this time, I’m finally on to the culprit for my brainpower’s slow decline over the years: Awful 90’s Music.

The decline of my brainpower directly correlates with the decline in quality of 90’s music.   You see, it wasn’t just that the music was bad.  It was that the music was bad and I liked it. There’s only so many times you can sing “Boom Boom Boom, I want a double boom” and “She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck” before something very real and very stupid happens to your brain cells.  I’m not sure if I can sue the 90’s music scene for damages, but I’m looking into it.  In the meantime, allow me to share with you some of the terrible 90’s songs that I *shudder* actually liked.

This isn’t an “all time worst” list by any means.  These are simply awful songs that I am embarrassed to say I enjoyed at one time.  And their videos are all awkward, to boot.  Real awkward.


Summer Girls by LFO

There were a lot of bad boy band songs in the 90’s, but I give a gold suck star to LFO’s Summer Girls for lack of effort.  They use all the same arm and hand movements, have a bad video with no cool dance moves, and managed to stick out for their bad lyrics in a time when all boy band songs had bad lyrics.

Dr. Jones by Aqua

A lot of people think “Barbie Girl” when they think Aqua, but at least that song was making fun of something.  I’m not so sure this song is making fun of anything.  In fact, it might actually have been them giving songwriting the good ol’ college try. I’m pretty embarrassed by this one.  Because I seriously liked it.  Watch the video; I dare you.

Boom Boom Boom Boom by Vengaboys

This is just a mess.  A big ol’ mess.  Terrible lyrics, some strange lesbian thing going on, and bad dancing.   But it has an infectious beat that digs into the deep recesses of your brain and doesn’t let go until you’re seriously stupid.

2 Become 1 – The Spice Girls

At the time, I didn’t realize how sexual this song was.  I find it amazing that the lyrics are “I wanna make love to you” and I didn’t catch on.  Even better is the part near the end where Baby Spice says “Be a little bit wiser baby, put it on, put it on”.  Condom reference? I think so.

The Bad Touch by Bloodhound Gang

It may not even be fair to list this one because obviously a bunch of guys in monkey suits don’t take themselves seriously.  But it was still an awful song and an awful video.   Someone must pay.

Lonely Swedish (The Bum Bum Song) by Tom Green

This one takes the cake.  Not only because it was massively idiotic, but because I thought it was funny.  And for a time, I thought Tom Green was funny.  And that pretty much gives you a good idea of what I was like in middle school.



14 Responses to “I Will Never Be Smarter Than I Was in Third Grade”

  1. Patrecia aka Misswhiplash March 21, 2011 at 10:00 am #

    I was going to look at your 90’s songs but my computer is not fast enough. This is due to being in an area without broadband. never mind..
    The trouble with being ‘top’ of anything is that there is only one way to go and that is down unless you have the stamina to stay at the top but there is always someone chasing on your heels.
    So really it is better to be good average then you can go slowly up and no one really notices then when you come down , its ok.
    In England they had the 11 plus and I failed that but here I am at 72 and I have had a very successful life so it seems to me that childhood qualifications are of no real importance..Its what you do with what you’ve got that counts.
    Good post though, I enjoyed reading it and it gave me something to think about


    • Jackie March 22, 2011 at 12:12 am #

      It’s probably better for you that you don’t see them, Pat. Check out Paul’s comment above for affirmation.

      Thank you so much for stopping by and sharing!


  2. paulbeforeswine March 21, 2011 at 11:20 am #

    Thank you for making me just a little bit dumber.

    I was better off not knowing about or ever hearing The Bum Bum Song. I wish I had a time machine.

    Look on the bright side: better to be a third-grader in the 90’s (or 80’s like me!) than in the 2010’s…


    • Jackie March 22, 2011 at 12:11 am #

      I would have LOVED to live through the 80’s instead of popping in at the tail end. I think 80’s music is the bees knees.

      Apologies for offing my brain cell loss on you. I thought that if I could bring my corner of Internet traffic down a few pegs, I would be relatively smarter than I was before I wrote it.


  3. Sarah March 21, 2011 at 11:26 am #

    OMG the Vengaboys!!! I hadn’t heard them for so long.
    Those songs made the best summers of my frickin’ life. Thank you Jackie 😀
    Here’s one I was obsessing over : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-X0EjwF8o0g (the girls must have had some serious tanning action going on lol)



  4. Don't Make That Face March 21, 2011 at 3:31 pm #

    You must have been in the young end of the 90s? The parties I went to in the 90s (I was in high school) had everything from Snoop, to Nirvana, the Beastie Boys, Cyprus Hill, Pearl Jam and a little Dance Party U.S.A. for us ladies. These songs remind me of what my younger sisters listened to. They are victims, as well.


    • Jackie March 22, 2011 at 12:05 am #

      Oh there was definitely some good music in the 90’s – and you named a lot of it. But that wasn’t what I had the problem with. In the early 90’s, I was smart. It was toward that tail end that I really started to lose my grip. Most of these songs are late 90’s (middle school for me – the slow but certain death of brain cells).


  5. joeandharryabroad March 21, 2011 at 4:27 pm #

    I was the same as you. I was a smart kid, a REALLY smart kid. Now I think Africa is a country. 😦 damn that awful music


  6. Meanwhile, back at the ranch... March 21, 2011 at 7:16 pm #

    Thank you, I was firmly convinced I had regained some of the cells I lost during this time of my life. Damage redone. I am not sure if I should praise YouTube for giving us immediate access to this blast from the past or cuss it for reminding me…


    • Jackie March 22, 2011 at 12:08 am #

      I certainly do apologize for doing unto others what I hated to have done to me. But I needed a post… and I thought about how terrible LFO is. I’m so sorry.


  7. tiffynico March 22, 2011 at 12:27 am #

    so bad.. yet its so good…


  8. SlackjackAastha March 22, 2011 at 10:08 am #

    Even I liked some of those songs… * Embarrassed*
    But you know what? You should feel lucky that you didn’t have Miley Cyrus then…


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