Please Hold My Butt

22 Mar

Ladies and Gentlemen, Happy Lollipop Tuesday.

Now I know some of ya’ll are new to this corner of the magical Interwebz, so feel free to access that link at the top right hand corner of this page explaining what all this silliness is about.

The last time I was Freshly Pressed, I felt a whole lot of pressure on the following Tuesday and braved an experience I’d thought about for years but never gotten the cojones to try: Ice Skating.  It was a glorious adventure in sucking at something.

This time was no exception, and at about 8:00 last night, I wandered over to try my hand at Rock Climbing/Bouldering- a reader suggestion that I really didn’t think I could pull off.  And hey – you know what I learned? Rock Climbing is freaking hard.

When I showed up, I immediately had to sign the ceremonial waiver of death, injury, and general responsibility for bodily harm.  In fact, the company was so intent on making sure their customers knew exactly how dangerous it was that they make them write out entire sentences instead of just signing.   Before being allowed to launch my pudding-filled bottom up a series of tiny wedges on an inclined wall, I had to first write out “Everything is my fault.  Even death.  Farewell cruel rock-climbing world”.

Well that was the  general idea anyway.

Death waiver signed, I eagerly entered the climbing gymnasium and into a world of secret rock climbing codes.  There were all sorts of arrows, colored tapes, and strange scribblings across an entire jungle gym of ridiculously small man-made wedges.

Apparently it isn’t enough to just  be willing to climb on these tiny amoeba-shaped pegs.   You have to be willing to commit yourself to only climbing only the ones that are in the same color code.  So if I’m at the bottom of a ginormous wall with no helmet (don’t worry – I wrote out “I know I’ll die if I don’t wear a helmet” ) and I’m looking up, I can’t just use any old hand hold to climb to God.  I have to only use the hand holds that correspond to the color I’m working through.

My color was red – the color of noob shame.

I don’t know about you, but when my lard butt is halfway up a steep precipice with no apparently safe escape, I don’t really care about whether the peg that I need to step on to not fall and crack my head open is the correct color. But I played along with the rules anyway because the Lollipop Tuesday gig doesn’t count unless I do things the way silly humans have decided they are to be done.

My high point was making it to the top of the red line on one section of the gymnasium.  My low point was directly after, when I backed down as far as I could without having a panic attack and asked Dave to hold my butt so that I could get down.

Oh yeah – Dave was there.  And make no mistake – he’s a beast.   I was piddling around with beginner level color codes and he was over on the advanced ones, doing full body extensions, leaping from rock to rock, hitting the top mark, and jumping down in style.

I swear I saw him hang from the ceiling once.

I, however, wilted quickly.  My Jell-O arms were no match for that gymnasium’s wrath.  There were incredibly adept people on every side – women with guns the size of my face and thighs that crack a man’s skull in two.  They were grunting and groaning and leaping to the tops of their color chains as I braced myself against the wall and prayed that my shaking (lack of) biceps didn’t give out and send me into head trauma and life long mental retardation.

It was a rough night.

But hey – I survived.  And there was actually one part I really liked.  Apparently rock climbing floors have super springy goodness in them so that when you actually do fall from the top wedge, you don’t automatically feel death – you get a little bounce first.  Walking around on the stuff was the highlight of my night.   You know what? I would pay the same amount of money I paid to rock climb just to be in a room full of it.  Hmm…

Next million dollar idea? 



14 Responses to “Please Hold My Butt”

  1. Seasweetie March 22, 2011 at 9:43 am #

    Hey, I did that exact same thing about a month ago and wrote about it!! And yes, our experiences sound quite similar.


    My daughter is really wanting for us to go again. She says it will make me buff and turn me into a sexy beastie. I liked in enough that I’m looking forward to it, but I’m doubtful about the whole sexy beastie thing.


    • Jackie March 23, 2011 at 8:55 pm #

      I think she’s right on. After a few decent attempts upward, my biceps were seriously struggling. Go! Get sexy!


  2. Sarah T. March 22, 2011 at 9:50 am #

    It’s ok, your brother isn’t very good at rock climbing either.

    But honestly, blame it on your boobs. Rock climbing is hard enough when you can flatten yourself against the wall to reach even further for the holds, but when you have several inches of flesh in the way… it’s damn near impossible.

    And wow, do I miss climbing…


    • SlackjackAastha March 22, 2011 at 9:59 am #

      wow… you can actually make ‘flat’ women feel good about it! 😀


  3. SlackjackAastha March 22, 2011 at 9:57 am #

    lol! I’m glad you survived Jackie… I have to try rock climbing once too… Happy lollipop tuesday! 😀


  4. close2bliss March 22, 2011 at 10:54 am #

    Jackie, perhaps you should issue a “Depends” warning on posts like these..if you know what I mean! You are my hero…is that what is expected of bloggers these days? I’m in trouble. Come on over to close2bliss sometimes and check it out!! Perhaps we could do some Q&A Blogger fest in the near future…might be fun!!

    Weak in bladder but strong in spirit,


    • Jackie March 23, 2011 at 8:59 pm #

      lol hey thanks, Close. I don’t think you’re in trouble at all – nice job updating regularly! I love that theme – I’m going to be doing a bit of spring renovating around here soon and I’m so tempted by other people’s sexy new themes.


  5. Patrecia aka Misswhiplash March 22, 2011 at 11:29 am #

    Jackie, that was wonderful. It made me laugh so much I cried and nearly wet my panties! What a great attempt , I loved and enjoyed every minute of it. Can we go again?

    Now that you have been Freshly Pressed ( Congratulations and a bit of Envy) you are expected to try all these things out. Given the prestige of FP, you should be able to do it with pan-ash

    Thank you my dear, you have made my day


    • Jackie March 23, 2011 at 9:00 pm #

      haha thanks, Pat. I’m so glad you enjoy my regaling you with my struggles in everyday life. 😉


  6. tiffynico March 22, 2011 at 4:54 pm #

    lol “the color of noob shame”.

    Love it.


    • Jackie March 23, 2011 at 9:01 pm #

      🙂 thanks! I moseyed over to your page because the title is just too irresistible to pass up – nice little corner of the web you have there.


  7. Michael Finocchiaro March 22, 2011 at 5:57 pm #

    LOL! I love rock climbing in gyms. It just has two disadvantages: you need a second person and you need 3h. The second person is occasionally hard to coordinate with and with 2 kids I never have 3h at any one time that are free. Other than that…
    Thanks for the excellent blog 🙂


    • Jackie March 23, 2011 at 9:03 pm #

      ugh it’s hard. I don’t know that this will be a repeater. Maybe if I get hella ripped between now and the future, I can head back over to incur my wrath on its noob pegs.


  8. The_Observationalist_NYC March 23, 2011 at 8:48 am #

    My brother insists that rock-climbing will change my life. He hasn’t convinced me yet, and I think you’re illustration (while really spot-on and funny) didn’t help…


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