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This past weekend marked the twentieth time I have locked myself out of my own vehicle.
Admittedly, that’s a rough estimate. But it’s probably not all that rough.
I was going running (sixth week of Couch to 5K, by the way, thankyouverymuch), and decided that I would tuck the key to my car in a tiny zippered compartment right above my jiggly bum. This tiny contraption is courtesy of the super awesome pants that Dave bought me for Christmas. But since it’s so tiny and located directly above my rearend, I thought it best to cut down on bulk and take only the key to the ignition and not the little button pad that locks and unlocks the doors.
Mark: this was a conscious choice.
You know that fleeting moment when you wonder if something will pose a problem for you and that you might want to pursue it to ensure that you are wrong but you convince yourself that you’re being illogical and choose to ignore it? I think it’s called laziness. Or apathy. At any rate, for a moment I wondered whether or not I needed the button thingamajig to get back in my car but told myself that was silly and that ignition keys always open doors as well. I locked the button whats-it in my car, tucked the ignition key into the secret ass pocket, and took off. I ran, I succeeded, I got back to the car, and the key failed.
Failed hard.
It’s unfortunate because I was hot off the victory of my week 6 run and excited to get back in the car and go take a much-needed shower. I’m not a natural-born exerciser. You know, one of those dames who can fun 5 miles and have a soft, beautiful glisten? I was bred to sit on couches and play video games and eat potato chips. When I perform a task any more strenuous than brushing my teeth, I immediately break out in a coating of sweat not unlike the look of a sloppily glazed donut. I needed that shower. Instead, I was outside my car fumbling around at the keyholes in the cold. I decided to conquer the situation with my mind. I deemed it a logical impossibility that my ignition key would not also lock and unlock the doors, and prayed to sweet baby Jesus to please do some sort of automobile miracle for me on this 28 degree day.
That also failed.
I was visiting my hometown and only knew one person in the area that I still kept in touch with on a regular basis and was within walking distance. Unfortunately, I hadn’t seen her in about a year and didn’t want her first impression of me to be fresh off a 2-mile, just-out-of-bed-and-now-a-glazed-human run. But I had no choice: I needed someone with AAA and someone in her house had to have it. I didn’t know that for a fact. I just knew her family, and her family was chock full of folks who would really need something like AAA.
The sister was my winner. In fact, I cashed in on her third and final lock out call of the year. Score.
I finally got in the car and got to my cell phone to call Dave and tell him about how incredibly stupid I am, which I am apt to do on an almost-weekly basis. I like to remind him that I need him around because when without, I can’t really function easily like other human beings. Without his assistance, I’d be wandering the streets of the city barefoot and coat-less with only a kittens and slices of leftover pizza in a knapsack to accompany me.
Actually, that doesn’t sound so bad.
As it turns out, David had told me only one month ago that my key pad was absolutely required to open the car and I said that was no problem and why would I ever not just use the key pad. Though I pretended not to remember this conversation, I had a movie scene flashback to my exact location at the time of its happening. I was flippant. And I had just paid the price.
Sometimes I just don’t listen to Dave because I don’t feel like it. I tell him I won’t take a coat outside because I don’t need it and then I ask to borrow his only a few hours after. I tell him I don’t need to wear sneakers because sneakers look stupid with my sweater and then I ask him to stop somewhere to buy flats because my feet look like they were attacked by badgers.
And I also tell him to stop rambling on about using the key pad and then lock myself out of the car because I forget that I need it.
Therefore, I have deemed 2012 the year that Dave is always right. I’m boldly going where no woman has gone before. I’ve dedicated 2012 to blindly following wherever Dave will lead me. I have a good feeling it will involve more jackets, better shoe choices, and fewer lockouts. It’s a win-win. Either I find he’s not right and I can carry on henceforth not heeding his advice, or I’ll find that he’s almost always right and become a more efficient, more put-together human being.
Here’s hoping the latter also means less lockouts. ♣
The Jackie Blog 
Oh no! Glad you were able to find someone with AAA. And go Dave for being sensible (though, I think you are sensible, too).
PS – I also have AAA, so if you’re ever locked out in the DC metro area, call me 🙂
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It seems Peg’s idea to line people up in every major city to bail me out of this situation is working itself out nicely 😉
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And I have AAA so you can call me if you’re locked out in Illinois. Say, here’s a thought. Howsabout, instead of lining up friends and bloggers in every possible area you might travel, YOU get AAA? Might be a little easier.
Like you, I did not know that there were cars in the world that you couldn’t unlock with the key. We got a new (old) car a few months ago and Bill got the 1 fobby-deal and gave me just a key. Thank goodness we discovered it wouldn’t open the doors when I walked back to get something out of the car and he was standing only 1 block away.
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That’s a fab idea. OH a fob. It’s called a fob. Thanks – I couldn’t remember that word for the life of me.
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I have AAA and I live in the same city you do 🙂
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Expect phone calls.
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I have a bike. Don’t think we have AAA for these contraptions. So if you’re ever in need in southern california, you’re out of luck. :p
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You know, bikes just make a lot of things easier. I can’t wait til it gets warm again. Well… consistently.
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I think this rule change is going to make for an interesting year! Dave should be consulted for all choices: hair styles (You would look GREAT with pink highlights), Shoes, (What about thirteen inch heels?), and even accessories, (forget the purse, here’s a book-bag!). Here’s hoping…
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Oh man. I really just took for granted that he wouldn’t use his power for evil but you’re totally right. He’s kind of always wanted me to be a brunette. I wonder if this is the year…
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Hate it most when I don’t listen the that voice in my own head saying, “Not smart.” or “Maybe you shouldn’t do that.”
Cranky Old Man cranks louder than Cranky Old Woman and argues more, So I usually I do the “Yes, Dear” . biut without listening. But when I know I am right and he still instists he is, I get really cranky. Crankier when he says I am the boss of the house. If that is true, why am I the dishwasher?” Men. Women. People.
Great post. You are competing with Laughing Housewife for great place to find laugh.
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LOL@ dishwasher comment. Hey, thanks for the lovely compliment. And I was sure to check out the Laughing Housewife for the reference. I’m flattered!
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Ford has had an all-sum contraption on many of there cars for years… a keypad ON the door… enter a 4 digit pin, and unlock the car! how shweet is that?
No idea why other companies haven’t copied it… but I love it.
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Oh I always thought that was for people who had bad credit. When I worked at Ford, people would come pay their bill for the month and I would give them the code to unlock their car.
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They now have a system in cars that allows the dealer to press a button that will actually prevent the motor from starting until he turns off the lock out. Even more incentive for the bad credit people to come in and pay their bill for the next month.
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wow that’s intense. I wonder if dealers feel strange having to do that.
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I bet Dave is thinking up all kinds of wonderful ideas for 2012. He better get ’em in this year because I have a feeling 2013 will not be the year that he gets free reign with being right! 🙂
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He’s doing pretty well so far, but I think it’s because he’s not abusing the power. 😉
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I just decided what your replacement gift is going to be….an AAA card. LOL Anything but telling him he is always right!! He will turn into Art!! HA just kidding…well maybe… It could be like a virus slowly spreading between all the men in our lives!! Right or wrong WE as women are always right!! That’s why I have the “HON” shirt and Scott has the “YES DEAR” shirt. Scott just got a shirt from his sister for Christmas saying “if a man says something in the forest, and he is alone, is he still wrong?” And I say YES!!! YES is the correct answer!! Call me when you aren’t busy, we will set up that triple A!!
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Turns out Nationwide offers it and I didn’t even know. So, I failed. Also, I don’t know what a “replacement gift” is, but I reject it.
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Our key has both buttons and the key in the same item, much more sensible. I need to know one thing though – how did you lock the car?
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I opened the door, pushed the autolock button thingamajig, and shut the door. Then I cried.
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Excellent as always, Jackie. Although, if more women listened to me, they’d probably spend all their time distracted by daydreams, and walking into things because they’re looking up at the sky. Fortunately (or perhaps unfortunately) my girlfriend does that anyway. Not sure if this is going to be the safest relationship; It seems like every Jackie needs a Dave to cancel out their own stupidity.
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haha yes, indeed – every Jackie does need a Dave 🙂
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