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The Reckoning

15 May

Hello, beautiful people.

Today is the day I announce The Gauntlet winner. Isn’t that exciting? Well, maybe not. If you didn’t compete, I guess this can just be a post to read about people who have bigger balls than you.

Zing! That was harsh. I take it back mostly.

If you’re new around here, let’s catch up real quick: I do 365 challenges, I have a series called Lollipop Tuesdays where I blog about having tried something new that I totally suck at, and sometimes I have contests. The Gauntlet was a contest where I combined these things and challenged everyone to pick something they suck at and do it every day for 30 Days, no cheating. When they were done, they were to write to me about it so I could judge their awesomeness. The most awesome wins a $100 Visa Gift Card.

Behold, Judgment Day has come.

I should come right out at the start and say that most of you sucked at this. Which is okay. It’s hard to make time to do the same thing every day for 30 days. Work happens. Kids happen. Oversleeping happens. Lots of things are there to get in the way before your brain even has the chance to try to talk you out of it.

It’s amazing, the variety of things we suck at. Some of us suck at being more proactive about job hunting, others at taking time to be creative, and still some at keeping in touch with certain people. There were promises to be more social, oaths to wake up early every day, and the ever-popular commitments to exercise.

But most of you failed. Kind of pathetically so. I received confessions of all kinds – texts, calls, in-person confrontations… people treating me like their priest, walking me through the things that tend to hold them back, the thought process that led up to stopping… humans are strange creatures.

I should note here that establishing habit is attempting to break your will, discipline your mind, and change the way you’re wired in order to redefine comfortable. People sell all their things, go to India, shave their heads and join monasteries to do this. This is not an easy task.

That’s why I was impressed by every single submission I got from readers who completed the challenge. And while I appreciated every single one of them and could see how hard each person worked to overcome obstacles, I’m fortunate that one submission was a clear standout to make the job easier.

The winning submission logged each day of their Gauntlet participation in a journal detailing activities, dedicated their participation to a cause, and is hoping to use the winnings to donate even more. Isn’t that ridiculous?

Michelle Laurie initially joined The Gauntlet quietly. She didn’t tell anyone, she didn’t even email me – she just made up her mind to do something for at least an hour every day to help animals, educate herself, or call others to veganism. But when she realized that a $100 gift card could really help her cause so she raised the bar and spent the next 30 days watching documentaries, ordering campaign materials, compiling and distributing information packs, working at Vegan Society bake sales, and even sponsored a hen named Scrags.

Like I said: ridiculous. You can read all about it here.

So here’s to you, Ms. Michelle Laurie. You’re the clear winner of The Gauntlet and I’m inspired by the depth of your commitment to a cause and your ability to go all in. You’ll be hearing from me shortly.

But I’m not done. I mean, I’m done with Michelle but I’m not done talking about awesome people. Though I’m far too poor to be establishing award-receiving runners-up, I would really like Annette Padfield over in this corner of the Interwebz to take a nice big bow.

Though Annette technically failed because she missed one day of the thirty,  she managed an enormous feat of a different kind: she completed the contest anyway.

So many people say they’re going to do something, mess up, and take the energy that could be spent on trying again immediately on focusing on their suckiness.

We all suck. There’s no need to get all inside yourself about it. It’s okay. 

Annette treated herself to a needle felting machine and let it gather dust in the corner for a long time until she challenged herself to make something with it every day for 30 days. There was one day within that span that she produced absolutely nothing.  She could have given up, because that was a pretty big bummer and she’s tried to commit to things in the past and failed. Instead she just pretended that day didn’t happen when she woke up the next day, finished the challenge, and in the spirit of being a finisher, emailed me her update – confession and all.

So that’s pretty awesome. Also, I didn’t know a needle felting machine was a thing. It’s a thing. Take a bow, Annette. I’m too poor to give you a real reward, which is good because people who did their challenge without missing a day would probably resort to violence, but you’re awesome for making a way instead of making excuses. 

This concludes The Gauntlet. There will be no more tweets or posts or hounding about it, and there will no longer be an enormous picture of a gauntlet in my right sidebar. It’s been replaced instead by an updated layout, buttons to stalk me, and a rabid bunny you can click on for a random post. Enjoy.

Thanks to everyone who entered; I’m impressed by all of you. Some of you started year-long challenges, some of you inspired others to join, and some of you simply learned a little more about yourselves. All impressive things. If ever you’re feeling down on yourself for missing a day or not putting forth as much effort as you’d have like, just remember that just by continuing to try you’re getting closer to your goal than all the people who are still paralyzed by their most recent defeat.

And to all those paralyzed people, remember: any day is a good day to get back on the train. ♣

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Behold: The Jackalope

8 May

Ladies and gentlemen, IT’S LOLLIPOP TUESDAY!

Man, it’s been a while since I’ve said that. I think that has a little do to with the fact that I’ve been focusing on the 5K (read: rocking myself to sleep in the fetal position while clutching my training schedule) and forgetting that the whole ‘get out of the house and try new things’ thing can’t come to a hault because of a longterm goal. I’ll do better. Really.

In the meantime, I’m sure it’s been so long that you can’t even remember what a Lollipop Tuesday is so instead of directing you to the top of this page where it says “What’s Lollipop Tuesday?” as I am wont to do, I will let you stay right where you are and tell you that Lollipop Tuesdays are an occasional series here on the jackie blog wherein I challenge myself to get out of the house and try new things in an attempt to stop my hermity old cat lady ways in their tracks.

Or at least slow them a bit.

Anyway, I’m evading the point, which is that on May 4th of this, the 2013th year of our Lord, I chugga chug chugged my tubby tub tub across the great urban plains of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania in an attempt to run three point one miles without stopping.

For someone who got winded a few months ago just walking to the bus stop, this is quite a feat.

This was one of the hardest things I’ve done in a while. Not only because it took several weeks of preparation, but also because there was no way to wiggle my way out of it. I signed up, I told a bunch of people; I was locked in. For weeks I’ve wanted to quit and for weeks I’ve had to tell myself to suck it up. That’s why when I was about halfway through the race and I looked longingly at the people who were taking a walk break, I could tell myself to stop being such a baby and to pedal my jelly rolls onward toward the goal.

Actually, halfway through I struck a deal with myself that if I finished the 5K, I could back out of the 10K. Because let me tell ya – after doing all that, the only thing I was certain of was that I was not, no way, ever going to run a 10K.

Unfortunately, I’ve already publicly committed to the 10K and paid the registration fee so I’m roped in, squealing and kicking and all. 5K Jackie was tricking non 5K Jackie. It was a dirty, dirty trick indeed.

When I first started the whole thing and I found out that you get a medal at the end, I was kind of annoyed. It reminded me of when I used to chair Model United Nations in college *pushes up glasses* and the organizer always made me give every kid who talked a certificate. It made me livid. Just because you talk doesn’t mean you’re contributing to the conversation. I don’t care if you’re 14 and need encouragement. You know what’s encouraging? Getting a trophy next year when you actually decide to say something worthwhile.

Okay, I’m obviously still harboring a lot of unresolved resentment about this. Let’s move on. My point is that I may have disagreed with the “everyone gets a medal!” mentality before the race, when I was finished I grabbed that thing with both hands and threw it around my neck whilst furiously gargling my spit. Because when a chubby girl with asthma runs three miles without stopping for her inhaler or a lollipop, you give her a damn medal.

Seriously though, I’m glad I did it. The whole point of starting Lollipop Tuesdays was to stop defining myself by the things I hadn’t done and start defining myself by the things I had. I couldn’t ever imagine running a 5K and now I have. So now I get to raise the stakes and try to go for the 10. It’s good for me. I hate to suck at things, and there’s nothing like watching children half my age and their parents twice my age running effortlessly ahead of me while I struggle to maintain a 12-minute-per-mile pace. It keeps me humble. And by humble I mean self-deprecating.

I think I also unearthed a nugget of self-knowledge here. Even though months ago I would have been thrilled to run for 3 miles without stopping, as soon as I crossed the finish line I started to think about how I should have been more tired and that I must not have pushed myself hard enough. I thought about how a 5K was okay, but what was actually impressive was something big like a marathon. I thought about how maybe if I did a 10K and I could shave two minutes off my mile that I would really achieve something.

In a way, that’s a great thing. The want to constantly get to the next thing keeps me moving and keeps me interested. But in a way it’s absolutely awful because no matter where I get, I fail to appreciate my arrival. Dave, who listened to me groan and moan for months about hating my body and how I was constantly tired and miserable, saw me cross the finish line, took a bunch of pictures, and took me out to celebrate. He was at least four times happier than I was. When he went on and on about how proud of me he was, I started to feel like he was mocking me.

Of course he wasn’t. He’s Dave the Great. I’m the sucky one.

So I guess my goals are now twofold. 1) Take time to appreciate the getting there before going elsewhere 2) Remember to continue to do little new things while attempting to do one big new thing.

Nay, threefold.

3) Run a 10K. ♣

Here I am, medal and all. Just in case you suspect I make these things up. I'm talking to you, Jules.

Here I am, medal and all. Just in case you suspect I make these things up. I’m talking to you, Jules.

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For the Love of All Things Holy, Please Don’t Take My Lollipops

1 May

I’m developing a problem.

Okay, I’ve had a problem for a while and I’ve only recently watered down my stubbornness enough to taste the truth of it: I have a serious affinity for sugar.

I know, I know – big surprise. I suppose my love letters to Cap’n Crunch, Ben and Jerry, and anything white, doughy, and delicious over the years have made it obvious to everyone but me. The truth set in last week, which was just one of several completely ordinary weeks in which Dave suggested I had a sugar problem. I don’t really pay attention to him but it was something like “snarfle snarfle diabetes snarfle”. It wasn’t until I was in the midst of pouring chocolate syrup from the economy-size jug onto a table-size spoon with a course set directly for my belly that I actually heard the whole “diabetes” thing in between the snarfles.

It occurred to me that it might be helpful to know what the daily recommended maximum of sugar is for a human such as myself. The answer is the amount equal to the spoonful of syrup I was about to swallow. That doesn’t count the other spoonful from earlier in the day, the yogurt I had afterward, the lollipops I suck on to keep myself from aggressively attacking people when I’m angry, or the bag of M&Ms I would sneak into my bag at the store later.

Apparently this is not an acceptable way to go about my daily activities, in spite of the fact that instead of supplementing my sugar dosage with pizza and kids’ cereal, I’m now rocking whole grains and vegetables. And I’m running and stuff. But now I’m starting to get ever-so-slightly concerned. I’ve been under the understanding that working out, meeting a calorie count, and making healthier choices was going to put me on the track for being in the best shape of my life by the end of the year. As it turns out, those things will help, but I’m supposed to only have one lollipop a day, and that’s only if I really, really must. The chocolate syrup injections should probably inch their way out of the equation as well.

I’m pretty upset about this. It’s like the time I read Skinny Bitch and spend 8 months as a vegetarian (until Thanksgiving, thankyouverymuch); I don’t want to hear this truth but I’ve heard it and I can’t unhear it and NO ONE TOLD ME THEY WERE GOING TO TAKE AWAY MY SUGAR.

Honestly, people – isn’t a couch potato committing to a 5K and eating more broccoli enough anymore? 

Last night I rebelled, like a kid at camp in Heavy Weights. I went to the store, bought an entire loaf of Italian bread, a bag of M&Ms, a bag of lollipops and more milk in which I can pour even more chocolate. 

So this Saturday I run my very first 5K (or attempt to, rather) and that will wrap up April’s fitness focus. It appears May is going to focus on sugar. Which means I’m probably going to get less done, be grumpier while I do it, and attempt to fill these gaps in my life with some other terrible vice. Who knows what it may be. One lollipop less per day could mean one more serious act of violence. One forgone spoonful of syrup could translate to cussing and profanities of all kinds. It’s possible that the only thing making me a marginally pleasant, somewhat successful human being is my affair with sugar. Without it, I’m quite certain I’m just a regular, exhausted, pessimistic schlump of a thing.

I’m worried about May, people. Real worried. This could be the month I fall off the wagon.

…and dive into a swimming pool of sugar in literal sweet rebellion.

Growing up is hard. It’s always just so hard. ♣

Image

Me, circa next week.

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Showerheads. Furries. I’m Tired.

24 Apr

I have lived in my apartment for three years and have only just now discovered that this entire time, my shower head featured a massage function.

Well, “massage function” insomuch as an apartment shower head can offer. That is, with poor water pressure, constant fluctuations from scalding heat to shocking cold, and an overall lackluster performance.

A poor person’s spa treatment, if you will.

I’m sorry I said that just now. Not the poor people thing. We allow ourselves the pleasure of mocking our own class and race so I’m going to go ahead and cash in on the Poor  Cracker category.

No, I’m referring to the use of the phrase “if you will”. I’m pretty sure it’s a result of grad school. It’s only in my brain because I noticed it used several times in the last two weeks by people attempting to explain tiny concepts with many words. That phrase makes no sense to me. It only goes to great lengths to make you sound desperate. Unless you’ve said it with a somewhat British accent, in which case all is well by me.

Last night in class, while I was noticing the excessive use of the phrase “if you will” in class, I successfully inserted the word “poop” into the conversation.  You know, to balance things out a bit. Also, the professor was discouraged by our lack of feedback on each other’s public relations plans so I took a note and decided to get involved.

My classmate’s plan wasn’t poop. Rather, her plan was centered on a downtown hotel’s ineptitude at attracting convention center visitors. And as you may or may not know because I may or may not have spoken emphatically about it before, our downtown convention center is utilized for a major Furry Convention.

I watched as the scene played out before me. One student looks confused at the term and half the class pretends to know. The other half recognizes the one confused face as an opportunity to witness the first-time reaction to the description of a Furry.

And I’ll tell ya – it was a darn good thing I was there because wouldn’t you know discussion in the room drove right to how all furries dress up like cats and use their hotel rooms as a litter box.

This is our world. These are its issues.

So, having no other motivation to speak prior to the mention of furries, I sought to clarify the definition. I didn’t want virgin ears to be polluted by these allegations.  I apparently leaped to the defense of furries everywhere and was sure to inform the class that furries range from fan kids in costumes to fully-fledged hotel-carpet-soiling cathumans.

Right, so poop.

Look! There's one now!

Look! There’s one now!

 

Where were we? Oh, the showerhead. Yes. I’ve made a discovery today. It wasn’t so much about the shower head (or the furries) as it was that I’m beginning to notice I’m a bit tired. I suppose I thought that if I were awake and paying attention, I’d have noticed this detail. Then again, that seems to insinuate that I’ve been tired for the last three years.

…Which, now that I’ve said it out loud, actually sounds kind of accurate.

But hey, the semester is coming to a close so now’s not the time to quit over a little shower head confusion. I’ll admit that I’m tired. And before when I got this tired I could choose to lose sleep, drink coffee, and carry onward. But I’m already doing those things and it’s still not enough time.  But there are places I can squeeze it from.

When I think of all the time that accumulates over the course of several years for personal grooming alone, I go insane.  If I’d just give in to bushy brows, chin hair, woolly armpits, and year-round leggings, I could sneak in a few more hours of rest.

You know, it’s a shame we’re so far from No Shave November.

Here’s to the home stretch. ♣

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A Good Night for a Drunk Run

17 Apr

I shouldn’t really say I update on Wednesdays if I’m not going to get off my rear and post before midnight, right?

I was off my rear, though. I’ve been off my ass since 7 this morning; I just wasn’t typing. Typing has, however, been the only thing I’m doing every other day of the week, all the time, always. I have had so many papers due for school in the last few days that I’m not sure there are any more thoughts in my brain.

For those of you just recently joining the jackie show, it would be helpful for you to know that I am currently enrolled in a dual masters program while also employed to pay the ba-dillios.

Those are bills. Ba-dillios are bills.

So anyway, I’ve been a little busy. But good busy. I’m happy busy. I’m just also out of things to say that are worth saying. Sometimes I stare at the screen for an hour and nothing gets written. Last week, I wrote a paper 3 different times because the first two attempts were a total fail.

I am not failing, however, at my 365. We’re rolling up to the 1/3 mark for my fitness 365, wherein I resolved to do something active for at least 20 minutes a day and have since conquered two Jillian Michaels DVDs and almost finished training for a 5K. No, I’m rocking that party hard. Allow me to regale you with a glimpse of Jackie Present (that is to say the current Jackie who is motivated and no-excuses and trapped by her own very public announcement to not fail or make excuses.)

It was yesterday. I woke at 7am to try to finish a research paper due that night, I went to work, I came home, I tried to finish the research paper again, I went to class late and turned it in, went back home to start a research paper due the next day (idiot) and instead decided to go celebrate my hard work by attending Dave’s open mic.

There, I had a few drinks in the fashion and manner typical of a classy lady. And just when I had almost freed my cares from thoughts of finals and writing and taxing schedules, I realized: I hadn’t run yet.

It was 2am.

You see, I specifically set up my 5K training program (wherein I transform from human Cheez-It disposal to competent jogger in several weeks) so that my final day of training is the day of the race and the first official time I actually run 5 english semi-miles. That means that if I skip a day, I am seriously in danger of being unable to achieve my goal. And if I fail to achieve the 5k, I seriously endanger my ability to finish the 10K in September, thereby bringing my 365 to a dramatic and successful semi-conclusion to ride the home stretch into the end of the year.

It’s an elaborate and volatile plan and my sudden decision to enjoy a few classy lady drinks was putting it in danger. So I ordered several coffees like a champ, left the bar at 3:30am, and went home to put on my running gear.

And proceeded to run. Semi-sobered and exhausted, I launched my flailing limbs across the great pavement plains of my neighborhood. Also, I brought Dave. He’s the best.

I came home, thoroughly pleased with myself and thoroughly exhausted at the realization that I had been up for nearly 24 hours, fell asleep in a pile of sweet satisfaction, and fell asleep until the next afternoon.

When I woke, I celebrated with chocolate. And hot dogs. It was a slippery slope; I’m now cuddled up in bed with an empty plate of pizza to my right and staring at the bottom of a bag of chocolates I’ve just obliterated.

A girl’s entitled to a little visit to Fat Jackie’s Paradise as a proper celebration, isn’t she? Maybe not. But I’m doing it anyways. Leave me alone.

So listen: to all the ducklings attempting The Gauntlet 30 Day Challenge right now, you’re about halfway through. If there hasn’t been a day like this already, there soon will be: you’re going to have a day when your schedule spirals out of control and before you know it, you’re holed up in some bar somewhere, drinking in celebration of your dedication only to find you’ve failed to remember to do your 30 Day Challenge activity.

And when that happens, you’re going to have to suck it up and go drunk running at 4am. Or work to better your small business. Or read a new book. Or cook a challenging meal. Or apply to a job. Or whatever it is you crazy kids are doing out there.

Oh, and congratulations. You’re halfway to being filled to the brim with awesome sauce.

Puppies and Sprinkles,

Jackie ♣

Oh. I couldn’t find a picture appropriate for this so instead here’s a picture of a human feeling up a cat. Warning: Not suitable for work.

cat

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Me and Miss Bojangles

10 Apr

bojangles cute

If you were avoiding my blog posts because they were all about The Gauntlet and, like church on Sunday, you stayed away for fear of true conviction, I have good news: it’s over for now. Business as usual until further notice.

So I went ahead and got myself a puppy. I’d like to talk about it.

Well, it’s not my puppy. It’s my neighbor’s puppy. They’re going away for a while and are going to need someone to dog sit. As many of you know, I have a serious puppy problem. I want a dog very badly but for several responsible adult reasons, I have avoided the urge to adopt one (no money, no yard, no time). In the meantime, I have nursed my desire in other, somewhat unhealthy ways. For example, I fantasize about opening up my own Puppy Amusement Park. Also, I stalk them when I’m out for a jog. Frequently I will talk to them through cages at dog adoption events all about our futures together while crying tears of hope married with shame. 

For all these reasons and more, I’m glad to be all set up to dog sit in several weeks and that I have a lot of time to plan out her stay with me. Oh yes, the dog is female. And as is The Jackie Blog standard, names are changed to protect the innocent. Henceforth we’ll call her Miss Bojangles. 

Miss Bojangles will be staying with me for quite a few days. Puppy fever sets in pretty heavy in the springtime because a lot of glorious furballs are out for a walk and it can be really easy to forget that dogs are money-gobbling, excreting, puking, whimpering pains in the ass when they look so cute and happy in the sunshine. This is why I need some quality time with Miss Bojangles.  She’s got big ol’ Basset Hound eyes and jowls so big you could hide jars of jam in them. I have plenty of time to soak up that adorable, droopy face while simultaneously being reminded that trying to coordinate a drive-by to the apartment every 5 hours to tend to her bodily functions is an inconvenient, gas-guzzling, never-ending truth. 

It will be good for me. Like puppy boot camp.

I’m taking note of things I’ve always wanted a dog for so that I can take full advantage of them while I’m dogsitting. Mostly, that means I plan to carelessly drop a lot of food on the ground while I’m cooking. And to encourage her to chase Hobbes around in the hopes that the sight Miss Bojangles’ flappy, wavering jowls chasing him will inspire a few pounds of fat to be exorcised from his fat, fleeing body. And walks. There will be lots of walks.  If she weren’t so old, I’d put a reflective puppy vest on her and bring her running with me.  

I may or may not include the use of public puppy parks where I may or may not pretend that her name is really Miss Bojangles and that I am her owner.

Of course I have my concerns. Like that she’ll eat my cats while I’m away, or take an enormous dump in the middle of my living room out of homesickness or that when it’s time to give her back to my neighbors, I’ll  instead rent an RV and go cross country with her, claiming that we were always meant to be together and that no one can understand our love.

Then again I can’t really afford an RV at this time in my life. So I guess we’ll have to steal one. Which I guess would make Miss Bojangles an accomplice. Which is pretty great since I’ve already hooked her up with an awesome criminal name.

 

Come to think of it, I’m going to need a decent criminal name myself. And a good article on how to hot-wire an RV. And probably some disguises for our getaway.

Good thing I’ve got a good head start. 

costume♣

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You’re Gonna Miss the Train

3 Apr
This is the awesome train. It's leaving soon.

This is the awesome train. It’s leaving soon.

I’m sure that you thought since we’ve passed April 1, I’m going to leave you alone about the whole Gauntlet thing.

But I’m not.

This is my last chance to convince you that in 30 days you could be better at something you suck at, proud of your progress, and filled with hope for a future full of sunshine and unicorns.

You know this. You’ve heard this. And there’s something already on your mind that you might try but you’ve filled your head with excuses, tried to talk yourself out of it, and generally been a big, sucky baby. Haven’t you? You big, sucky baby.

I was a big sucky baby once. Actually, I still am. It’s why every once in a while I still get out for a good old fashioned Lollipop Tuesday. In fact, I have something incredibly embarrassing and pee-inducing coming up this week.  And then after that I have to run a 5K. And then after that I have to run a 10K.

These things are not easy for me. They’re not easy for lots of people. Everyone is working, not getting enough sleep, needs more time to relax, and all those other things that get in the way of taking care of your own needs and desires. Let me assure you that even though I’m in the midst of a fitness-related 365, every day is a challenge. The good news is that all you have to do is 30. And even though the intrinsic rewards should be plenty to make you feel like it was worth your time, I’m throwing in the chance to win a $100 Visa Gift Card just for participating. 

Today’s shout out for joining The Gauntlet goes to Georgia’s Bath Products, who has decided to spend a little bit of time every day for 30 days doing something to improve her small business. That’s pretty fantastic. You can follow her journey here. Or you can just drop by and tell her how awesome she is.

In addition to Georgia, I’ve had people contact me to share stories of their challenges and the ways they’re going to get involved. They include:

  • Reading every single day to help conquer a pile of books that have accumulated on the wish list but have never gotten lovin’
  • Writing of all shapes and sizes – novels, paragraphs, blogs, poems… Did you know April is National Poem Writing Month, also known as NaPoWriMo? How perfectly aligned this all is. 
  • Fitness, fitness, fitness. This comes in a variety of forms – yoga, stress relieving activities, doses of sunshine – people everywhere are using The Gauntlet as a good excuse to take care of themselves and see what sticks after one month.
  • Job hunting.  What a great idea, right? If you’re unhappy with your current money-making situation, why not do one thing every day to better it? People are vowing to browse job boards every day, apply for jobs and internships, and work on projects that will better their positions in the workplace.

So what’s the thing nagging you? Is it a house that needs spring cleaning? Is it a project that’s sat in the corner of your room forever? Is it something you’ve been all-talk and no-walk about for an embarrassingly long time?

The Gauntlet was set up so that you could easily start April 1st and end April 30th, with over a week to spare to contact me to tell me you completed it. But you can start any time. And you can start up until April 9th and still be on board for the $100 Visa gift card and a host of other folks supporting your endeavor out there in the blogosphere.

So comment below or click that link on the top of the page or on the right sidebar that lead to the rules and deadlines for The Gauntlet. Drop a line about what you’re going to commit to, or find your favorite form of social media and tell me there. Use #TheGauntlet for me to find you on the Twitter Machine.

This is my last push for The Gauntlet – next week I won’t be trying to convince you of anything. I’ll be talking about my cats or something. And hopefully you’ll be 1/4 of the way toward being infinitely more awesome.

By the way, once upon a time I was a big fat whiny baby with a lot of excuses who ate a lot of pizza and didn’t get any physical activity aside from walking from my front door to my car. And then I logged into Sparkpeople yesterday and was greeted by this:

sparkpeople update

 

You know, just saying. Progress can only happen if you start. 

Peace out, kids. I hope to hear from you. And thanks for all your cheerleading thus far. ♣

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Board the Awesome Train

28 Mar

There is no room in your brain for new content from me today. 

Because it should be filled to the brim with ideas for how you might best conquer The Gauntlet.

That’s right: The Gauntlet. I told you all I wanted to have a contest wherin I give you an incentive to better yourself from the lazy pile of slop that you are now by bribing you with American dollars. I polled you about how you’d best like to be challenged and you said I should  incentivize you to a 30 Day Challenge. I threw down The Gauntlet, gave it a hashtag, announced the rules and prize, and set you about brewing up a plan.

Have you been brewing?

I’ll tell you about some of the people who have been. There’s Samantha Owens, who feels like she needs to relax, balance, and organize her brain.  She’s going to knock those out by doing yoga every day for 30 days. She blogged about her throwdown here. There’s also Grace Bell, who is pregnant, achy, and having trouble getting enough time outdoors. She’s afraid that as she gets more pregnant and more achy, she’ll just be more and more unlikely to go out.  So for 30 days in a row, she’s committed to getting 20-30 minutes of time outside her house.  To make sure she sticks to her guns, she even dedicated an entire page of her blog to it so that she can give regular updates, and others can give her regular encouragement. Follow her journey here. 

Everyone has different goals, is at different places, and needs different things. So pick just one little sucky thing about yourself and see what happens when you battle it head on every day for thirty days. Maybe you need to improve your physical, emotional, or financial health. Maybe you need to get more sun. Maybe you need to find more time with your kids or read more often or be more creative. Whatever. You can start any time, but the timing is such that you can easily start April 1st, end April 30th, and then still have several days to submit your entry. That means you still have plenty of time to cook something up and go for it. While you’re working all those cobwebs out of your brain, go check out Samantha’s and Grace’s attempts at awesomeness.

I want to do my part, too. So here are a few tips to get you started and keep you going. If you’ve been following for even a short amount of time, you know that I struggle.  I frequently finish my day to find that my underwear was inside out all along, I take on too much with too little time, and I will always prefer a box of 50 Munchkins alone in my bed to going outside my apartment. A gal like me doesn’t conquer a challenge without some built-in motivators. So here’s some lovin’.

1) Use The Gauntlet Rules & Discussion Page 

If you direct your pupils to the right side of this page, you’ll see an enormous Gauntlet. If you click it, you’ll go to a magical page buried deep in the recesses of this site that lists the official rules, deadlines, and has a section for comments where you can discuss your own progress and connect with others. Go, read, encourage and be encouraged.

2) Make a Motivation Board 

Nothing like staring at the several measures of my fatness to get me moving.

Nothing like staring at the several measures of my fatness to get me moving.

I have no patience. I can’t even wait for people to finish their sentences so I have to refrain from finishing them. It’s a serious and chronic issue. So as one might imagine, I don’t like to wait for results. To help ease my anxiety and keep me looking forward, I made a motivation board and threw it on the back of my bedroom door. I house all sorts of information there, like before/after pictures, weight and measurement tracking, current workout programs, an envelope full of rewards, and a current short-term goal. On days when I don’t feel like working out, I look at the board, stare at the before and after, remind myself of the short-term goal, and think about the beautiful rewards in that envelope that I can draw from when I complete it. You can make this for any challenge; a motivator board can be made of inspirational pictures and quotes or a calendar where you cross off your accomplishments, or post interesting articles.  It’s whatever you want it to be and it can be your most helpful tool in this process.

3) Tell a Bunch of People

It makes all the difference in the world to know you’re accountable. I frequently want to back out of things after I sign up for them so I try to talk about them as much as possible. On difficult days, the embarrassment of writing a post about how I gave up is enough of a motivator to get me moving. Do whatever works for you; post on Facebook, throw it on Twitter, email a friend with progress updates – whatever you need to do. 

4) Get Inspired

If you need some motivation, tweet at me. Email me. Go to The Gauntlet page and talk to others. Look up articles about what you’re doing, about other people doing 30 Day Challenges – about anything. 

5) Freaking Do It Already

The whole point is to stop  making excuses and accept that there are ordinary people with regular struggles just like you all over the place doing more than you are with what they were given. Someone out there wakes up earlier than you, goes to bed later than you, and has more responsibilities than you who isn’t using those things as excuses. This is an experiment.  You’re not committing to a year.   You’re committing to 30 Days. Every single day, for 30 Days. What’s stopping you?

So that’s the deal, ladies and gents. The next time you hear from me, you will almost be out of time to join the challenge. Remember to let me know what you’re up to by tagging #TheGauntlet on Twitter, emailing me at jackiemarie@gmail.com, or commenting on The Gauntlet’s page. 

After all…I just signed up for my first 5K. Don’t leave me hangin’ here. ♣

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The Gauntlet

20 Mar

gauntlet

The time has come, the walrus said, for you to do something with your damn self.

Actually, the walrus wanted to talk about many things like shoes and ships and sealing wax and cabbages and kings. But I want to talk about you. And how it’s go time.

I’m throwing down The Gauntlet.

Let’s start with the nitty gritty, for those of you just tuning in. In 2011, I launched a 365 Project and vowed to post every day of the year. All I wanted was to accomplish a resolution and point to a black and white goal to say I achieved it, but in the process I became an accidental advocate of 365 Projects for how the deliberate, applied effort at something over the course of time can help you eliminate excuses, set yourself up for success, and get you closer to your goals. Because the postaday challenge in 2011 did so many wonderful things for me (even though I hated it very, very much, very, very often), I decided to use 2013 to do another 365 Project. I’ve dubbed it Project Fatass 365 and have vowed to work out every single day for at least 20 minutes, culminating in a 10K at the end of the year.

To put things in perspective, I used to eat an entire Freschetta pizza and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s after dinner. With no shame. At my lowest point, I hid delivery boxes of pizza under my bed and went unshowered for several days while encasing myself in a protective layer of lard.

So I’m about 1/4 of the way through my second 365, and I’m feeling pretty frisky. A few weeks ago, I told you all I was in the mood to issue a reader challenge and asked you what you would prefer: A Lollipop Tuesday Challenge or a 30 Day Challenge. Much to my surprise, 60% of you were willing to participate in a 30 Day Challenge, and 40% a Lollipop Tuesday Challenge.

Really? Most of you would rather do something for thirty days in a row with no cheating than go do one daring thing in thirty days? I find that surprising. And impressive. So I give you: The Gauntlet.

Here’s the skinny, kids. I’ve posted the rules below and will later add them to the right hand side of the page for easy access. Check them out. Complete before midnight, EST on May 10th (that’s 11:59:59 EST on May 9th, people) for the chance to win a $100 Visa Gift Card.

That’s money. That’s real money. Shoes or food or a puppy or anything at all can be yours. You can focus on the intrinsic rewards of becoming a more awesome person, less of a pathetic weakling, and acquiring a far superior set of conversation topics, but it might help to picture the puppy around Day 15.

Oh, and of course I’ll feature the winner in a post about how awesome they are here on The Jackie Blog in May.

So that’s the deal. I wrote a blog post every single day for 365 days in a row and now I’m agonizing to Jillian Michaels workouts every day for 365 days in a row. Lets see what you can do over there on your end in 30. I’ll bet it’s spectacular.

I’m so looking forward to this. You’ll be beautiful, I just know it. ♣

The Gauntlet

1) Think of the thing that you sincerely suck at that you want to improve. It may be writing, being physically active, spending more time with your family, reading, cooking – whatever.

2) Identify one thing you can do every day that will get you closer to that goal. Examples: to get better at writing, write for X amount of time every day or X amount of pages every day. To get more physically active, commit to X number of minutes working out each day. To be a better cook, commit to cook a full meal at home every single day. You can take photos, call people, create things – the world is your oyster. But pick something measurable. At the end of the day, you should be able to clearly state that you either did or did not complete your activity that day. No gray areas.

3) Conquer the monster. 30 Days in a row, no cheating. 30 Days. No. Cheating. We take the honor system very seriously here.

4) Share your experience and any related pictures or evidence with me in 1000 words or less via email at jackiemarie@gmail.com with the subject line: 30 DAY CHALLENGE. You can either email me about your experience directly, or post about your experience on another platform and email me the link. Deadline: Before midnight, EST on May 10th, 2013 (that’s 11:59:59 EST on May 9th, folks).

5) Winner will be determined by degree of sheer awesomeness and win a $100 Visa Gift Card and a feature on The Jackie Blog. Good luck!

Tell me how it’s going on Facebook, or on Twitter using hashtag #TheGauntlet (@thejackieblog). I’d love to encourage you. Or openly mock you. But mostly encourage you.

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I Am Adult; Hear Me Roar.

13 Mar

Tonight I had a bit of a chocolate craving and I didn’t want to give in so instead I went out for frozen yogurt and then bought 5 bags of M&Ms and ate 3 of them.

It happens.  I don’t like it, but it happens.

I still have to do the last day of Level 3 from Ripped in 30 tonight, so right when I’m going in and out of Table Top and my triceps are screaming bloody murder and the pot of jelly I store in my belly is rattling around on top of my human table, I will certainly regret this.

Oh, and there’s a string cheese wrapper right beside me too, I just realized, so I guess I ate that too.  I must have trance-chomped that to death. Add that to the jelly pot as well.

Roar.

Roar.

I’m having one of those days where I don’t want to do anything but I have a lot to do so I only pick the things that are fun and leave the rest “for later”.   That means that in a few days when I’m really under the wire, I’ll slam out all the things I have to do like super woman and then retire to play video games as a reward until I pass out in a pile of my slobber and Doritos crumbs. When I wake, I will question my ability parent another human being in the future.

For example, I needed to do laundry today. Like, really needed to.  Like, wearing my last pair of even remotely acceptable underwear needed to. Tomorrow I’ll have to wear a skirt and keep a no-underwear secret all day, fashion a new pair out of some scrap fabric, go to the store to get more underwear, or go out tonight after Jillian Michaels, get cash from an ATM, go to the store and get quarters, and then come home and do laundry.

Instead of doing any of those things, I’m watching Pretty in Pink. Poor Molly Ringwald and her thrift shop taste. If she only knew that a few decades later, Macklemore and Ryan Lewis would validate her opinions on secondhand clothing and rich schoolboy Blaine’s friends would find her quirky and cool in a topical sort of way.

I also need to do the dishes.  I’ve been neglecting them for so long that they are starting to develop a funk. I will continue to neglect them until I am unable to feed myself without first washing dishes. Then I will curse my childish ways, wish I would maintain a stricter dishwashing regimen before they get overwhelming, and again question my ability to parent another human being in the future.

My days are full of self-doubt. Underwear and clean dishes and trying to eat less than 5 bags of M&Ms a day: adulthood is a high calling.

Well, now I’ve put it out there.  I’ve just pushed it into the magical world of the Interwebz and now I look like a big, unambitious sloppity slop.  I feel all accountable and whatnot.  So here it goes – I’m going to close this laptop, do Jillian Michaels, get so angry from my jelly belly and her constant yelling in my face that I take out my rage on the tower of dishes in the kitchen, and then I will clean the house until I find enough quarters in the cracks and crevices of my hermit nest to do a proper load of laundry.  

And tomorrow I will wear my clean underwear and eat off my clean dishes and rub my less gelatinous stomach in pride.

I am Jackie. Hear me roar. ♣

P.S. I’ll soon announce the details of the 30 Day Challenge or the Lollipop Tuesday challenge for you all to take part in. I’ll also announce a prize related to said contest. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go here to read more and vote on which adventure you would prefer. Polls close soon.  Try not to pee yourself with excitement. If you have any questions, I’ll be in the kitchen.

 

 

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