The Jackie Blog

It’s Lollipop Tuesday.  Awwww Yeah.

I’ve gotta say: I’ve always been put off by fortune tellers, tarot card readers, and gypsies of all kinds.  I question their methods, I often label them hacks, and may forever wonder what mysteries are within their curious tents, shacks, and homes.

But hey, I’ve got a blog to keep.  So when I passed by one of the aforementioned gypsies at a local arts fest this past weekend, I moseyed on over for a Tarot Card Reading.

Photo by "aussiegal". Things I like about her: 1) She's on WordPress 2) She's done a 365 Project. Click the image to check out her blog.

I have to admit – the fact that she was positioned directly beside a hunched over old man who asked for donations as he enthusiastically mumbled along to his karaoke machine slightly affected her credibility.  But let’s face it: I didn’t give her much to start with.  What did she have to lose?

I expect tarot card readers to have a big scarf wrapped around their hair and to reek of incense, but this particular fortune-teller was a rather attractive brunette with a strong New York accent.  And she didn’t ask for anything but tips. So basically, I could have her do a reading and pay her 50 cents.  I was pretty down with that.

For the record, I did not pay her 50 cents.  In fact, I paid her well.  Especially considering she played cards for money.

When I sat down, I let her know that I had no idea how any of this worked and she could feel free to treat me like a kindergartener.   She told me to shuffle the cards but to not think of anything negative while I did.  So I shuffled, trying to fill my mind with thoughts of puppies and sprinkles.  

The first card she drew was a dead body with knives in its back.

Apparently I’m not so fantastic at sending good vibes into cards, but hey – she said I’d live a long and prosperous life so I’m all right.   I never really buy in to psychic business or astrology columns in the newspaper.  Of course everyone kind find truth in ambiguous generalisms and that’s usually all they amount to.  But in my “keep an open mind, try new things” mentality, I must admit that this woman was rather strikingly accurate in her relay of information.

I recently got a promotion, recently had my trust betrayed, and have always struggled getting to sleep at night thanks to a thought-burdened mind.  That was all in there, and it was pretty darn specific.  She even got the timeline right.

A friend (and blog reader) was with me and decided to dive in right after.   She was told there was a big move in her future and she just happens to be moving to The Big Apple in a few months.  Had she given me my friend’s reading and my reading to my friend, she would have been wildly inaccurate.

Interesting.

I’m  not saying I’m on board necessarily, but I actually thought it was pretty cool.  I didn’t have anything to lose considering she wasn’t charging me a specific fee.  And though her advice to stop carrying such a burden on my shoulders was probably more due to my terrible posture than a strong intuition, I have to admit that the experience was pretty groovy.   And eerily specific.

She did tell me I ‘needed my aura cleansed’, which she didn’t say to my friend.  I’m not sure what that means but I’m sure I can take care of it with a shower and a decent aromatic body wash.

There was one thing she said that I’ll be interested to keep an eye out for.  Something about a jealous woman in my life, an upcoming dispute with her, and her advice to walk away.  Since everything she said about my past was accurate, I’m curious to see whether she’s any good at the future.

I’ve got my eye on you, ladies. ♣

Tags: 365 Project, Humor, life, musings, postaday2011

Photo by "konradfoerstner". Click the image to check out their Flickr Photostream.

I need to be struck with a serious case of get-it-together.

My apartment is a horror.  I haven’t vacuumed in weeks, my dishes are stacked so high I have nothing to eat off, and there are things living on common surfaces that should have been tucked away in their hiding places long, long ago. 

In the meantime, my nails have disappeared.  I am talon-less.  My victory only one week ago is now null and void, as my nerves slowly scraped off the manicure, then slowly worked at the length, and finally destroyed my cuticles.   And yesterday I went for a long bike ride intended to work off some of the fatty fatness that has accumulated on me and clung like a barnacle to my sides and thighs, but I forgot that it’s Summer in the Springtime this year and came home tomato-red from head to toe.

No amount of aloe can help this.

I need some kind of clean-up crew for my life right now. I want to hire a power team of folks to whirl through my apartment and make it shiny and new.  A steam clean for the carpets wouldn’t hurt either.  And I could sit back on my couch, fanning myself and weaving an aloe-infused cocoon to help the healing process on my poor, crispy skin.

While the dream team is at it, they could work on setting up my checking account for automatic transfer into my savings and 401K.  They could find me a decent credit card offer so I can build my credit.  They could instruct me each day on what to eat and how to exercise so that I can be as hot as possible as fast as possible.  They could weed out my wardrobe of offending pieces and replace them with beautiful, flattering garments that distract people from aforementioned fat barnacles.  They could draft letters and thank you’s and hey-how-ya-doin’s to folks I need to connect with more often and maintain friendships that are dwindling now in my more-adult days.  They could also attend events on my behalf that conflict with events I’ve already committed to.  …And the ones that I just don’t want to go to.

Maybe  I could also get them to whip up a 5-year plan for me.

That seems to cover all the areas I need right now.  I’m sure I’ll think of more and I can just pile them on when the folks get here.  They can write it in on the bottom of the invoice.  Right under “General life clean-up and consultation to include (but not be limited to): Apartment cleaning, construction of aloe cocoon, financial consultation and account setup, nutrition and training advice, personal shopping and wardrobe consultation, letter drafting, relationship sustaining, event attendance, networking, and formulation of effective 5-year plan.” 

It will be the best money I’ve ever spent. ♣

Tags: 365 Project, Humor, life, musings, postaday2011

Super groovy pic by Ollie Olarte. Click the image to check out their Flickr PhotoStream.

Let’s do a little investigative work.

Now I know that I’ve used my blog as a forum to discuss my crazy theories more times than one.  There was the one about the cleaning lady at work using tissue boxes to run drugs.  And then the one about my dad being a drug dealer.  And well, now this.  But listen – these things come to me.  I don’t just walk around looking for evidence of an underground drug ring.  I’m telling you: I’m on to something.  

Bear with me.

So I’ve been frequenting this cafe lately that features wireless Internet because of a long complicated story that involves me losing my Internet.  Which has, in turn, made daily blogging even more of a challenge.  Super awesome.

The other night I was there until closing (around 10pm) trying to finish up a post and take care of every Internet need I could possibly have until the next moment I could get in touch with the magical Interwebz.  And just before 10pm, the worker put a black trash bag out on the sidewalk.  No big deal, right? Probably trash.  Let it go, Jackie.

But at 10:10, I was still there, mooching off the Internet from just outside the cafe because I had to finish a few things real quick-like. And at 10:11, a man pulled up in a dinky little car, got out, grabbed the black trash bag, threw it in his trunk, and drove away.

What?

Okay, what was it? What’s in there? I need to know.  It wasn’t just recyclables.  Recycling is free in the city – they would just put it out on recycling day.  Even if it were recyclables, there are far better business to pick them up from.  Because I don’t see one glass or plastic container in this place.  And if it were trash, it would go out on trash day.  And why would someone want either of those things anyway?

It’s drugs.  

It’s probably an enormous bag of drugs.  Or something.  I don’t know, but it’s fishy.

So here’s what I’m thinking:  I’ll continue to frequent the cafe right before closing hour.  And I’ll keep an eye on this to see if it’s a trend or anomaly.  If it happens once more, then when I come back the third time, I will grab the trash bag and replace it with a similar bag full of stuffed animals and a note saying “I’m on to you.”

Then I can take the bag I’ve recovered and see what’s inside and what all the fuss is about.  Best case scenario: it’s full of gold.  Worst case scenario: it’s poo.  If it’s somewhere in between (drugs), I can report it to the police and be the coolest drug sleuth in all the land. And then I can bust the cleaning lady and my dad with my new street cred. 

Cases closed. ♣

Tags: 365 Project, Humor, life, musings, postaday2011

I always expect big things to happen when I’m gone.

I left work Thursday morning and didn’t fully get back to reality until Tuesday.  No Interwebz, no phone, no non-face contact with humans of any sort.  I feared turning my phone back on because I was certain I’d be flooded with a monsoon of texts and voicemails.  The thought of checking my email almost paralyzed me for fear I’d have too many things to respond to and too many opportunities missed.

I was totally wrong.

Apparently, I’m not as popular as I would like to believe.  After 4 straight days of ignoring society, society made it clear that it doesn’t care if I don’t want to be a part of it.  Except for my mom.  Note to self: never venture into the woods to disconnect from society without first warning your mother. 

My work email, however, was a different issue entirely.  I was greeted by 60 emails in my inbox, all crying for attention.  My personal email? Thirteen.   That may seem like a decent amount, but I”m a Groupon and LivingSocial nut.  Subtract one email a day for both of those and you get 5 remaining. One was from mint.com and another was some kind of magazine email newsletter that I delete every single time because I don’t feel like clicking unsubscribe.

I should fix that obvious display of laziness.

Throw in a couple Facebook notifications, and all I had left was a big, sloppy pile of loser. 

I don’t know what I expected.  In fact my email is really just a place where I sign up to have specific things sold to me.  I don’t check in with people or write anyone.  I have one pen pal who drops me a line every three months or so (perfect for my type) and that about does it.  Even my own family doesn’t get back to me when I write.  

Facebook, however, greeted me like a warm puppy.  And then I realized – I don’t need to check my email nearly as often as I do.  I don’t know why I’m pouring over emails that are just companies showing me things I told them I like when Facebook is the place where people talk to me.  In fact, when I saw something I liked on the Internet last week, I immediately linked it to Dave’s Facebook wall instead of emailing it to him.  I could probably abstain from email for an entire week and pull out half an email I actually want to read instead of clicking “Mark As Read” and pretending I did.

Occasionally I’ll mark something with a star or flag that I intend to follow up on later, but let’s face it: I never do.  My email inbox is nothing but a bucket of starred and flagged good intentions.

Maybe I’ll go through them all this week and see what it is I wanted to accomplish a few months ago when I marked them.  I could have plans to conquer the world in there but I just never got around to the follow-up.

This could be epic. ♣

Just you wait.

Tags: 365 Project, Humor, life, musings, postaday2011