The Jackie Blog

Yesterday someone got directed to my blog by asking Google how to take out their contacts when they have acrylic nails.

Google is good for all sorts of life problems.  Interesting developments on your body you’re not sure whether to see the doctor about, how how to try new things without all the surprise that typically comes with new things, and basically anything you didn’t pay enough attention to in school and suddenly find a need for.

I’m so proud that when folks are in need, they can be led to my blog for their problems.   Unfortunately, Acrylic Nails Girl came to my blog and found that I had nothing to offer but a story of pain and perseverance, but perhaps it inspired her.  Perhaps I’m going the wrong way with this blog.  Instead of musings and ramblings of all shapes and kinds, maybe I should be focusing on ‘how to’ guides.  After all, I’m a wealth of information.

Let’s take a look at some other ways I’m enlightening America:

How to Cross the Street  

How to Handle Emergency Situations 

How to Get People to Leave You Alone 

How to File Taxes 

How to Get What You Want 

How to Lose Weight 

They’re universal in nature and straightforward in approach.  How could my blog not be a booming success with a ‘how to’ angle?

I’ll probably have to change the header image at the top.

That Yo Gabba Gabba creature really throws people off. ♣

Tags: 365 Project, blogging, Humor, life, musings, postaday2011

I’m absolutely losing my mind.

Gone.  Out the window.  Never to be seen again.

This morning, I wrote up a pleading post on how I wanted the WordPress Wizards to fashion an Undo Button so that I could recover beautiful nuggets of writing that I keep losing over and over again thanks to an oversensitive touchpad and a bad case of trigger finger.

I have looked for this Undo Button several times, while attempting to restore sometimes entire paragraphs of text that gets accidentally highlighted and deleted thanks to my idiocy.

And this morning, directly after I posted my plea to WordPress, I found it.  Right up on the toolbar with a big arrow rotating backwards – the beacon of liberation from moronicness.

Do you have any idea how many times I’ve had to write entire portions of posts over again because I’ve lost them and convinced myself there wasn’t an Undo Button to save me?   Can you possibly fathom how many times I’ve searched over that toolbar praying to the blog gods for something to save me and have entirely missed it each and every time?

I’ve written over 250 posts so far this year and each and every time I’ve needed the Undo Button, my eyes and failed me.  Why? Because Microsoft Word puts it on the left side of the toolbar and WordPress.com puts it on the right. 

I’ve been conditioned to overlook it.

I’m disappointed.  First, because it took me quite a long time to draft a worthless post that went straight to the trash.  And second, because there are entire half-pages of text in the nether that could have been easily recovered if I weren’t so incredibly challenged.

…If I’m disabled, do you think someone will tell me?   Because I’m seriously starting to wonder.  Can I get tested?  Maybe I can go somewhere and have my brain examined.

Oh my goodness -what if I’m just stupid?!  I think I might be stupid and no one ever told me.  After all, I can’t trust good marks in school – schools are starting to grade with smiley faces and pictures of animals and comfort words.  Maybe they just didn’t want to tell me I was a failure.

But alas, I have discovered the truth.  Milk in the cupboard, cereal in the fridge, running into things all the time, and complete forgetfulness of where I am in conversation from time to time. 

I just stare straight forward, like a deer.

This is going to take a while to adjust to.  After all, I didn’t realize I was afflicted.  I saw all the signs, but given the nature of my affliction, I really need someone to just look me in the eye and tell me I’m a moron.

Thank goodness for my trashed post and the enlightenment it gave me.  This has truly been a life-changing day.

Oh, and now I don’t have to worry about not having an Undo Button.  You know, because it’s been there the entire time. 

Man, that’s a lot to digest before noon. ♣

Tags: 365 Project, blogging, Humor, life, musings, postaday2011

Hey – I’ve made it 2/3 of the way.

I’ve trudged and trekked and schlepped through the murky recesses of my brain to bring you a new post every single day of this year.

…so far.

Early on I spent a lot of time freaking out about how I’d think of something to write about every day of the year.  I don’t mean to insult you, but do you realize that’s 365 posts?! 365!

That’s a lot of posts.

And though my faith in the stupidity of people (and thus, fuel for my posts) is absolutely unwavering, I was pretty concerned about running out of fresh material.  But as it turns out, things tend to reveal themselves throughout the day.  And awkward scenarios, terrible experiences, and rage-inducing conversations are oh-so-much-more bearable when I know that if all else fails at least I have something to post about that night.

That being said, let’s review some pros and cons of being a post-a-dayer.

Pros

• An excuse to try new things
• A way to manage stress
• Improved command of the English language
• When I’m ‘in the zone’ and write what I believe to be a good post, it’s an absolutely fantastic feeling.
• My readers are incredibly funny and delightful
• It’s a great feeling to know that someone likes something you write enough to share or recommend it to others.

Cons

• Less sleep.  Really.  I’m a walking zombie sometimes.
• Sometimes I really just don’t feel like posting.
• …you know, I really thought there would be more cons.

I have this growing fear that I’m going to just start sucking really bad.  Like, really bad.  What can I possible have to say that I haven’t already said in the first 243 posts?

You know, when I first started out it was thanks to a friend of mine who took a photo every day of the year.   Seeing her dedicate herself to doing something every single day inspired me to do the same.  And when I was just beginning the journey, I asked her how I could possibly make it through the year doing something new every day.  I said the year seemed so long and so unsurmountable.

She told me I couldn’t possibly think like that and it was all about one day at a time.

When I remember that, I do all right. Because hey – I’ve gotta write tomorrow whether it’s entertaining or not.  So why sit here and fret? At least I can say I’ve done something every single day for a year without fail or excuse.

…So far.

Onward! ♣

Tags: 365 Project, blogging, Humor, life, musings, postaday2011

This week’s Lollipop Tuesday was a learning experience.  And a taste of how simple and sweet crime can really be.

Happy Lollipop Tuesday, folks.

After reenacting the Battle of Bull Run in Manassas, Virginia not long ago and then laying down some mad beats by rapping at a crowded open mic last week, I thought I’d switch things up a little this week and go graffiti.   Well, not graffiti so much as tag. I’d pick out a logo or icon, cut out a stencil, and go spray it in conspicuous places all over town.   After seeing it so long and so often, people would be inspired to search for the meaning of it on Google, which would inevitably lead them to my blog and shoot me into super blogger stardom.

Except not really.

In order for a Google search to be effective, you kind of have to be the most clicked-on result to show in, I don’t know, even the first hundred pages.  So that idea was a big, thoughtless bust.   But that’s all right, I thought – I’ll just write out “thejackieblog”.  Because when you search that on google, it’s one of the top results.  I’ll just tag that all over the place.  Which will then lead to people to my blog, and shoot me into super blogger stardom.

Except not really.

Because as it turns out, graffiti’s pretty illegal.  So I couldn’t just go make a stencil and grab a can of spray paint.  Though I would have loved to dress like a midnight ninja and market my blog in the wee hours of the morning, it was obviously a one-way street to arrest given that my blog has my name in it.   So I thought of something super genius: spray chalk.  Spray chalk! I’d spray it on stencils all around town and it would wash away with the first rain! It’s the ultimate balance between criminal genius and socially acceptable marketing tactics.

Except not really.

Because I didn’t actually buy spray chalk.  Instead, I decided to doom myself by not ordering it ahead of time online and instead resorting to a last-minute run to Dick’s Sporting Goods, which Yahoo Answers promised would have it.

Stupid Yahoo Answers.  You’re never right.

And since Dick’s didn’t have it (or Michael’s, or Lowe’s, or anyone within a 40 mile radius of my city) I decided to invest in powdered chalk, a spray bottle, and a dream.  A hopeless, wilting dream.

Surprisingly enough, I thought ahead enough to send a stencil cut-out to a print shop and get it put on some super heavy cardstock.  Then, I carefully cut out each any every little curve and tittle to “thejackieblog” with a little club over the “i” just for pizzazz.   After a few grueling moments with the Xacto knife, I started to doubt my entire plan.

What was I thinking? I can’t just throw powdered chalk in water and expect it to work.

And I was right: I couldn’t.  Because powdered chalk and water clogs even the mightiest spray bottle.  And unless I was headed back to Lowe’s to get myself a super awesome, super long, super-powered sprayer that people use to paint house siding, it was  unlikely I was going come out victorious.

I decided to resort to Google to find some homemade, trustworthy recipes for spray chalk and found that corn starch, hot water, and food coloring seems to do the trick.  But I was fresh out of food coloring and I’d just spent a large fraction of my paycheck on stencils, a spray bottle, and powdered chalk.  I know better than to ever attempt anything without consulting Google first.  Silly rabbit.

So I hardheadedly charged forward into the pit of despair with my 8 1/2 x 11 pathetic attempt at a tag.

Have you ever really looked at how big one single slab of a sidewalk is? Like, really looked? Because they’re big.  Really big.  Too big for an itty bitty 8 1/2 x 11 piece of cardstock to make a difference.  Even in landscape orientation.

Dave managed to dab powdered chalk on the stencil and get it to leave a light impression on the cement.  A small, barely-noticeable impression.  I, however, forged ahead with a sponge and a bowl of powdered chalk and water, intent on plastering my blog name at every major bus stop in the area.  But as I dabbed my sopping wet, maroon sponge onto the paper, it soaked through it entirely.  And when I picked my pathetic excuse for a stencil up off the sidewalk, it left one enormous blob of disgustingness in its place.  Which I then tried to turn into an enormous club (♣) so as to not leave, well, a hideous blob of disgustingness.  But I kept trying to round each of the little circles perfectly and you know when you cut a heart out of construction paper and you keep making it tinier and tinier because you’re trying to make it perfect?

It was like that but the opposite. I was left with an enormous maroon puddle that looked as if something had died there not long ago.  Like all my hopes and dreams, for example.

So this Lollipop Tuesday was a bust.  But I made pretty much every mistake I possibly could, so I can try it again and actually get spray chalk and a stencil on a piece of plastic that’s big enough to be seen after spraying.  I’ll be a tagging wiz in no time.  I’m determined to do this the crime-free way.

Though in the midst of my frustrations, I must admit a life of crime looked quite appealing. ♣

Proof of failure.

Tags: 365 Project, blogging, Humor, life, musings, postaday2011

Charming photo by Keith Parker. Less than charming edits by me.

Why do moms love my blog so much?

This is an increasing area of concern.  Not because I have anything against it – I love moms.  Particularly my own.  But I’m a little confused as to how the things I write about appeal to the average mom.  I don’t talk about what I would consider ‘mom things’.  

I can’t tell you how many times people tell me that their mom loves my blog.  It’s very strange to me to be given a passed down compliment from a surprising hit demographic.   The feedback has been building over time, but I think it hit an all-time high when I was forwarded an email at work today from my coworker’s mom that simply stated “Tell Jackie I put my underwear on backwards today.  I just noticed it in the bathroom”. 

It was followed by her professional business signature line.

My coworker’s mother is, of course, referring to my frequent posts about underwear malfunctions.  In fact, if you type ‘underwear’ into that little search box on the top right hand side of my page, you’ll almost turn up as many post results as you will with ‘cats’ or ‘food’. 

Underpants are a big part of my life.

I don’t know most of these people’s mothers.  And the people that have the mothers who love my blog don’t say anything in particular about the blog themselves; they’re just the messengers of someone else who likes it.

I have somehow roped a demographic I have no idea how to maintain.  

I’ve thought about what will happen to my blog after 2011 and whether or not I’ll keep posting. And of course if I do, eventually one day I’ll be a mother and I’ll have to try to do a Mom Blog.  I thought I’d be able to rope in a whole new cross section of bright-eyed, bushy-tailed moms.    But as it turns out, they’re already reading.  They don’t want to read about babies and barf and cute kid quotations.  They want to read about people who struggle to put their underwear on correctly and consistently.

This is surprising news.  Perhaps I can conduct studies on my blog and sell it to marketing researchers.  I’ll tell them to cut down on their references to baby products and support groups and fire up discussions on cats, hot apartments, stressed working relationships, and food.  I suppose it’s time to change my tagline.

TheJackieBlog.com: Life is Funny Your Mom Will Love It. ♣

Tags: 365 Project, blogging, Humor, life, musings, postaday2011

The other night I was out enjoying a drink and attempting to catch up on some posts.   I’ve been desperately attempting for quite some time to sit down and pound out some ideas so that I’m a few days ahead and not completely stressed out.

I’ve been terribly unsuccessful.

So I was out at a lovely establishment where Dave got called in to do a little last-minute bar help and took advantage of the awesome writing day I was having.  Words flowed so easily for me; I didn’t even have to edit what came out of me.  I had every intention of writing at least three posts before I left the bar that evening but my attempts were thwarted by a chatty activist and a surprise benefit. 

I arrived at 8:30pm and wrote with a fury, pleased that after a long dry spell things were coming so naturally.  At 9:00pm, a gentleman came to the bar and sat down beside me to chat.  

I’m not very good at handling these sorts of situations.  I used to just put out a really heavy hate vibe and hope that people were too intimidated to talk to me.   But over the past year or so I’ve been really trying to fix that and now I feel bad relying on it.  Which is why my writing attempt was thwarted by a discussion of pot activism.

Yeah, that’s right: pot.  Weed, green, cookies, Papa C’s Funky Space Boots.  Apparently at 10:00 that evening there was a benefit for a pot advocacy group.  Their goal is to legalize marijuana so that the country can regulate and tax it and so they can stop hiding it from their landlords.  The gentleman who sat down next to me (let’s call him Deeb) wanted to make sure I knew all the statistics, history, and details associated with their pursuit.

I just wanted to write.

It’s not that I don’t care about pot legalization – I do.  But Deeb doesn’t understand how difficult it is to write 366 (thanks a lot, Leap Year) unique posts when I also have a job, a second job, and do not have the benefit of being inspired by the creative properties of Papa C’s Funky Space Boots.  

I tried everything I had in my Polite Bag, including emphasizing that I didn’t know there was a benefit that night, that I sat at the end of the bar to be away from everything so that I could write, and that my boyfriend was working there (complete with a visual cue).   Finally I got  in the Slightly Rude Bag and pulled out my cell phone to text a friend and invite her to come.   If I was going to throw a great day of writing down the tubes, I was going to at least get good conversation with a friend in exchange.

At 10:00pm when I’d decided to dip into the Blatantly Rude Bag, a girl approached me and told me that the evening was a benefit for her group and that there was a cover charge of ten dollars.

You’re kidding, right?

I wanted to give her a full lesson on the concept of a cover charge.   No one starts an event and goes inside to tell everyone that’s already been in the establishment for an hour and a half that they owe them money.  I’m pretty sure that in any other part of town, that would have warranted a punch in the face.  But I was tired and annoyed and didn’t have any cash on me anyway so I decided to just say “Oh, I’ve been here since 8:30 – I actually came for dinner and didn’t know there was a benefit tonight.  I don’t have any cash on me, but I can talk to the bartender and see if he can charge my card and pass along the money.”   She replied “Well, we’re a nonprofit soooooo…”

Allow me to defer to a fellow blogger’s post on ending phrases with “so”.  Here, Pegoleg lays out her disdain for the unresolved phrase and considers the due consequence: killing offenders and hiding them in her floorboards.

You can understand why I’m an avid follower.

Of course, had I not read the post, I would not have been thinking about the variety of ways I could kill the person in front of me for her offense.  In fact, she had to die for a multitude of offenses being that she attempted to charge me a cover when I was already in the bar.  Absolutely, death was the only option.  

But just then, my friend arrived and beckoned me to the other end of the bar, where I dodged both Deeb and the fundraising zealot.  The stand-up comedians began to take the stage (oh yes, it was a comedy benefit) and I woefully waved goodbye to my inspiration and ease of language for the evening.

Maybe when Deeb and the zealot succeed in their quest, I can hit them up for some help with the dry spell they’ve caused. ♣

Tags: 365 Project, blogging, Humor, life, musings, postaday2011